Max Black quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Max

Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, it's just not really my thing, you know, man?

Sophie

Is this really not your thing? It's nobody's thing. You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, like bleaching your teeth or your anus.

Caroline

Thank God I'm off the list, 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.

Max

Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader. And then she was my maid of honor when I married him a week later, so... I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.

Max

I'll leave. You stay and do your thing.

Caroline

But we came together.

Max

Yeah, I know you guys did. It happened, like, the second he kissed you.

Caroline

I don't do this. I just met him.

Max

Look, Caroline, I haven't read the Bible, but I know that when Jesus returns, you must follow him... back to his apartment. Let go... Let God... get to third base.

Caroline

[to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.

Oleg

Look at all these—Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride?

Sophie

Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.

Max

Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes.

Oleg

Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.

Sophie

Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.

We did not steal your idea.

Yeah, we did not steal your idea. We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.

Max

Wait a minute... We have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn!

Ashlin, you talk too much. This is why everyone knows about my lap-band.

I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds over spring break.

Caroline

[to Max] It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.

Oleg

Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. And I'm also running a special on D batteries. Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy of Horrible Bosses 2.

Max

[as Han comes in] Here comes Horrible Bosses Too Small. Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?

Han

No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.

Max

[pause] Preach.

Max

[at Nola's photography exhibit] Look that title! "The Great Unwashed." Are Oleg's balls here?

Caroline

Max, it's the art scene. Class it up. At least say "testicles."

Caroline

Okay, Nashit, pay attention. These are the tables. This is the dessert bar.

Max

And these are my boobs.

Caroline

Max, be professional.

Max

These are my boobs, sir.

Caroline

Please, I have to make him a waiter.

Max

Fine, you make him a waiter, and I'll just make him later.

Caroline

[about Nashit] You can't seriously be into him. He looks like someone in a boy band.

Max

Yeah, and he's going one direction... Down there!

Caroline

But if you sleep with him, then Nashit is gonna hit the fan. How do you know you even like him?

Max

You know what I like? That we're doing it.

Caroline

Oh, my God. This the worst thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon on the sidewalk.

Max

Who are you calling a prostitute?

Han

Here ye! Here ye! I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner.

Max

Well, we'll miss you, Han.

Han

Nice try, Max, but like Ryan Seacrest, I'll be here forever.

Sophie

Well, it happened.

Max

Ryan Seacrest came out?

Sophie

Oh, Max, don't be silly. No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago. My biggest dream has come true!

Caroline

Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions?

Sophie

Okay, my second biggest dream. I'm pregnant.

Max

Oh, no, everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken parmesan here.

All the businesses on that block are gonna close. It's getting plowed for an IMAX theatre.

Caroline

Oh, my God!

Max

I know! Another Max is getting plowed on our block?

Max

Caroline reads everything. She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Caroline

Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed to be your roommate. Turns out, bitch do have my money.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.

Oleg

Dongs. The answer is dongs.

Sophie

C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.

Max

Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.

Max

Oh... my... God. It finally happened. Someone doesn't wanna have sex with me! He said he gotta be at work early. Isn't that weird?

Caroline

That you're dating a guy with a job? Yeah, that is weird.