Autolycus quotes from Xena: Warrior Princess

Gabrielle

That's what makes doing work like this worthwhile.

Autolycus

Yes, half naked men running through the square.

Autolycus

Don't tell me this is another one of virtue-is-its-own-reward jobs. Oh Xena, I thought better of you, I really did. You know, I might as well go back to Ormand. I've got a good thing going with the King's sister. I'm this close to the crown jewels and he doesn't suspect a thing.

Xena

He does now. I sent a second pigeon.

Xena

People of Peleos, may I present to you Philipon of Crete, Reformer of warlords, dancers and evil people. It's said that he once convinced the King of Thieves himself to do a good deed for no reward other than his own virtue.

The King of Thieves, that degenerate blowhard.

Autolycus

Beg your pardon?

Sinners like him never have the courage to be really successful. I'm sure he's just a fraud and an idiot.

Autolycus

Ha ha ha, no doubt. Would you excuse me? (to Xena) This plan of yours, does it involve humiliating that horse's ass?

Xena

Yep.

Autolycus

Then I'm in.

Autolycus

Xena? Ha ha ha! Hey, small world, huh? You have business here? Everything seems to be closed. Say, how'd you like to grab a bite to eat? I know this great little place, you'd ... C'mon, Xena, it's just a lousy little ruby. It's not even worth talking about. They won't even know that it's gone.

Look! The ruby! It's gone!

Autolycus

Oh, alright ... (throws the ruby over the wall)

The ruby! It's back!

Autolycus

I gave it back. You happy now?

What are ya? Stupid or something? That thing was worth a fortune!

Joxer

Look, Joxer the Mighty brings Xena Warrior Princess and Autolycus the King of Thieves ...

... a.k.a. Mr. Stinky ...

Joxer

... in chains.

Autolycus

In chains?

Joxer

Look look look, let me explain it to you. They're grateful. They make me a lord of the realm and ruler of the treasury. ‘More wine, m'lord?' No no. Ha ha! See? I sneak into the treasury, take the key from one of the guards, say something like, ‘What's that over there?!' You know? Then I free you two and we walk off rich into the sunset. What do ya think?

Autolycus

I think it's inbreeding.

Joxer

Whoa, Meg! Nice moves!

Autolycus

That's not Meg, you idiot! That's Xena!

Autolycus

Big job running a tavern. Lot's of things to keep track of, huh? Food. Drink. Keys. Hey, what do you know, there's a key to my room, and to Xena's, and to Joxer's. Of course, you'd have a key to every room in the place wouldn't you, Cyrene?

Cyrene

Meaning.

Autolycus

Meaning you must know every creaky floor board and squeaky hinge in the place. Why, you could float around like a ghost if you had to.

Autolycus

Bounty hunter checks in, and despite what she says, I think she knew it. You also knew that it was damn likely that your daughter would be on her list.

Xena

Autolycus, we've already had this conversation.

Autolycus

Then you must admit, no one has the means or a stronger motive than your own dear, over-protective mother. Sorry, Cyrene, tough break. Book her, Xena. I'm outta here.

Xena

He's an idiot.

You're telling me your horse killed her?

Xena

In self-defense.

Autolycus

You gotta admit, fits like a Trojan glove.

But I can't take back a horse. I don't do animals.

That's not what I heard.