Nigel quotes from Xena: Warrior Princess

But what you're saying is that most of these passengers are here because of Xena?

Raw numbers? Nah. She's a drop in the bucket. But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters: Elynus of Mycenae, Marc Antony, Velasca, Callisto, you can even make a case for Caesar himself. These people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight.

Hey! Sometime this eternity!

Unlike this guy who's just been asking for a one-way ticket to the Underworld, if you ask me.

Please, try not to cover anything up.

Cover anything up? I'm the Devil, you idiot! I'm really bad. I'm evil incarnate. What do I have to cover up?

You're a real pain. I can't wait to get you down here.

Uh, with respect, sir, that's not going to happen. I'm not a murdering warlord. No, no, no. I'm an award winning investigative journalist. I'm a member of the fifth estate.

Like I said, I can't wait to get my claws into you.

Then why is Xena trying to steal the Golden Apples? And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli while your mother stood by and did nothing.

Eve

You want to know about my mother? [gives him a good shove] I will tell you about my mother, you little sh*t! If my mother is with Ares, you can bet she's got a pretty fucking good reason!

Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?

Eve

[being held back by her fellow Elijans] You fucking brat! Stay the Hell away from my mother! You stay the fuck away from me or I will kick your fucking ass!

Not the kind of words you would expect to hear from Eve, the Messenger of Eli. [following in Eve's wake] Whatever happened to walking the path of light, Eve?

Eve

Fuck off!

You want your mother on Olympus, don't you? You want to see the God of War put back on his throne so Xena and Ares can continue your bloody ménage et trois? [gets decked by Eve then turns to camera] Tell me you got that. You got that, didn't you?

Calling number 27! One Thor's Hammer! We'll make you feel like the God of Thunder!

Ares

27! Yo, I got 27!

Ares, the former God of War!

Ares

No, I'm not … crap! [runs out of the tavern]

We found Ares, the former God of War, half naked and stinking of booze in a bordello.

Ares

I'm trying to get laid! I'm not a criminal!

Wait! Hold it! [to camera] And now, ladies and gentlemen, a world exclusive -- for the first time anywhere, Xena and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship. Gabrielle, Xena, are you two lovers?

Xena

You want the truth?

That's right, Xena, we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth.

Xena

It's like this, technically... [the camera begins to fade in and out and then finally the screen has only two words on it: STAND BY]

What?! It's dead?! The battery! This is the world's greatest story and you're telling me the battery is dead?! I don't believe this! Oh, man!