Autolycus quotes from Xena: Warrior Princess

Autolycus

Ah, another day, another defilement.

Autolycus

Choose the one drink you wouldn't give your worst enemy, and give me a double.

Autolycus

I'm not as dumb as he looks!

Autolycus

Alright, Xena, you've been waiting for this moment since we started. Some good old-fashioned kick-butt - that's my warrior princess-action.

Autolycus

[hits Joxer on the head] Just as I thought, it's hollow.

Xena

We need to talk.

Autolycus

Talk is cheap; I have an expensive ear.

Autolycus

Malthus...I don't steal from him.

Gabrielle

(laughs) He's afraid.

Autolycus

No, we have an arrangement. I don't steal from him, he doesn't gouge my eyes out with hot pokers. It's worked out very well so far.

Autolycus

You're trying to use my ego against me.

Gabrielle

I didn't think it would work.

Autolycus

No, it worked. I'll do it.

Autolycus

Ah, Xena, I think I found your disguise. The assistant of Sintares would wear no less. (holds up skimpy outfit)

Gabrielle

Any less and there wouldn't be.

Xena

What do you think you're doing? Concubine?

Autolycus

Oh, come on. Do you really think those people would believe someone like Lord Sintares would have someone like you without, well, having someone like you?

Xena

Just you watch it.

Where´s your woman, did she drown?

Autolycus

No, no, she didn´t drown. She should be here momentarily. She´s nearly conquered territory, you know how it is...

Virgin grounds, whoa.

Autolycus

Yeah, you see, a woman´s chastity is like a new hat. A beautiful thing that´s...(Xena appears)... going to kill me. Oooh, what took you so long my dear, finishing up my laundry?

Xena

Yes, you left something hanging on the line.

Xena

Magmar told me that his boss has a big ego, almost as big as yours.

Autolycus

Nothing is as big as mine.

Autolycus

Um... can you put that hand here (gestures to Solari's right breast)

(Moves hand to support her right breast, raises an eyebrow)

Autolycus

And... can you put that hand there (gestures to Solari's left breast)

(Places hand to support left breast)

Autolycus

Now this is purely business, not pleasure (place hand between Solari's breasts)

(Shocked look come over her face, stares down at his hand, a look of "did he just? he really just put his hand there. WOW)

Autolycus

(regarding Joxer)Why is he here?

Gabrielle

He knows Jet.

Autolycus

No, I mean on a grander scale, why is he here?

Gabrielle

Autolycus, an innocent person is going to die.

Autolycus

No he isn't, because he is leaving.

Gabrielle

It's a chance to do something really good.

Autolycus

Ha.

Gabrielle

And get a really big reward.

Autolycus

Oh, she had to say the 'R' word.