Joxer quotes from Xena: Warrior Princess

Joxer

I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too easy to follow. Any idiot could find you.

Xena

Evidently.

Joxer

Hey, wait a minute. Those villagers hired me, and only Joxer the Mighty is going to stop the Scythians.

Xena

Joxer, I once knew a warrior who tried to stop them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens and Carthage.

Joxer

What do you mean?

Xena

They buried him in Sparta ... Athens ... and Carthage ... think about it, Joxer.

Xena

I don't ask for much. I just want my pony back. Where's Gabrielle?

Joxer

Nature called.

Gabrielle

No, it screamed like a wild banshee.

You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard will scream out when he's about to ...

Joxer

... meet his maker.

Joxer

Look, Joxer the Mighty brings Xena Warrior Princess and Autolycus the King of Thieves ...

... a.k.a. Mr. Stinky ...

Joxer

... in chains.

Autolycus

In chains?

Joxer

Look look look, let me explain it to you. They're grateful. They make me a lord of the realm and ruler of the treasury. ‘More wine, m'lord?' No no. Ha ha! See? I sneak into the treasury, take the key from one of the guards, say something like, ‘What's that over there?!' You know? Then I free you two and we walk off rich into the sunset. What do ya think?

Autolycus

I think it's inbreeding.

Joxer

Whoa, Meg! Nice moves!

Autolycus

That's not Meg, you idiot! That's Xena!

Joxer

I still say it was Minya in the bedroom with a knife.

Would you can it! This isn't some sort of game, you know.

Cyrene

She's right. Discord has long ears. She could show up at any time.

Joxer

That's exactly my point. You keep talking about her ears and she will show up.

Joxer

I can't have you dying again and not have you know.

Gabrielle

Know what?

Joxer

Oh brother, I had this all worked out in my head and now...

Gabrielle

Joxer, will you hurry? Please.

Joxer

I love you. I'm in love with you.

Joxer

Here's the grub for the spud.

Xena

What's this?

Joxer

You asked for baby food.

Xena

Babyback ribs are not baby food, Joxer.

Xena

Leave us.

Joxer

[as a Roman centurion] But Caesar said...

Xena

...to enrage the Empress until she beats the tar out of you?

Joxer

I must have missed that one.

Hey, how did you get over the horror of finding out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer?

Hey, Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that's all. He was the producer's brother, for crying out loud.

At least you got to hang out with Xena and Gabby in a past life. We can't lay claims to anything that cool.

Speaking of the Warrior Princess and the Bard, what happened when your boyfriend, Harry, found out he was Xena in a past life?

And then your past lives counselor was none other than his beloved sidekick, Gabrielle.

[looking sick] They got hitched.

Decent. Xena and Gabby finally a couple.

Wait till we tell the rest of the fans.