Theodore Long quotes from WWE SmackDown!

Theodore Long

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great regret that I must inform you, that over the Memorial Day weekend, The Undertaker was found by his brother Kane, in a vegetative state. There is an ongoing investigation looking into who, or what, was responsible for this brutal, heinous attack.

Theodore Long

Excuse me gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, the reason I've called you all here tonight because I know you all have heard the rumors regarding John Cena. But I'm here to dispel those rumors and to set the record straight. John Cena will not be here tonight, and it's questionable when John Cena will return to action. Now, I wanted to respect John Cena's request in keeping this matter private, but since it has already been discussed several days ago on Raw without my knowledge, that I'm here to let you know everything that I know. Now last week after leaving SmackDown!, John Cena was involved in a melee at an after hours club. Now among other injuries, John Cena received several puncture wounds. Now one of the puncture wounds was to a vital organ.

Eddie Guerrero

Vital organ?

Long

One of his kidneys. Now I talked to the doctors, and they have informed me that a tremendous amount of damage was done, but they're fighting hard, and they're fighting hard every day to save his kidney. So the difficult task that faces me now is I have to move SmackDown! forward. Oh and by the way, John Cena, I received a message from him letting me know that the show must go on. And the hardcore fact of the matter is, is that this situation leaves an open question? Who will be the number one contender for the United States Championship? [the roster starts demanding to be named the number one contender] Gentlemen. Gentlemen, ladies, here's what it's going to be tonight. Here's what it's going to be tonight. Tonight, we will have an open invitation battle royal to determine who will be the number one contender for the United States Championship. Now are there any questions? If not, thank you all for coming, and gentlemen, good luck out there tonight.

Excuse me Teddy. You know those hip hop guys like Cena? They're nothing but thugs. Sooner or later, this was bound to happen. That's not cool.

Theodore Long

Thanks dog, for giving me the idea of this match. [Big Show is standing behind Long]

Big Show

Kurt. JBL. Come on, wake up! Get up! Over here! Look over here! Kurt Angle, down and out. JBL, down and out. What was it you guys said a couple weeks ago? What was it? I love it when a plan comes together? Boys, I will be at the Royal Rumble. And believe me, I will be the next WWE Champion.

Theodore Long

Last week, I made this SmackDown! championship match a six-man elimination match! Well, with The Big Show being drafted to Raw, you lose one and you gain one, playa. So the sixth man for this match will be the latest draft lottery pick. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, Christian! [Christian's music hits]

Michael Cole

Christian?!

Tazz

Christian? No!

Cole

Captain Charisma?

Tazz

[Christian comes out] Yeah there he is! Oh wait a minute! Christian!

Cole

Got a shot at the SmackDown! championship here tonight on his first night on SmackDown!.

Theodore Long

JBL, I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news for you, playa.

Michael Cole

What?

Long

Now, the bad news is, even though you won the match, you are not the SmackDown! champion.

Cole

What?!

Tazz

What the hell?

Long

You know something playa? Recently, I found out that there's no need for a SmackDown! championship. Now the good news is, that you have earned the right to be the new number one contender to this man. Now ladies and gentlemen, everybody get ready to show your love for the final draft lottery pick and World Champion, Batista! [Batista's music hits]

Tazz

What the hell?!!

Cole

Oh, my!

Tazz

Is this a joke? What the hell's going on here?

Cole

No, it's not a joke! He's the, the, the latest draft lottery pick!

Tazz

Where is he? I'll believe it when I see it [Batista comes out] and oh my God, I believe it! Holy...I don't, this is great!

Cole

SmackDown! has hit the jackpot!

Tazz

Holy cow!

Cole

The World Heavyweight Champion has come to SmackDown!. Oh my God!

Tazz

Pinch me! I can't believe it! Batista, the World Heavyweight Champion, on SmackDown!.

Cole

This is the man who, who four nights ago, beat Triple H in Hell in a Cell! This is the man, who three times, beat Triple H! This is the man who won the title at WrestleMania, and Batista is on SmackDown!.

Tazz

Shocking! Shocking! Amazing historic moment for SmackDown!.

Cole

And I don't believe anybody is as shocked as JBL, who moments ago, was elated at winning the SmackDown! title, only to find out that he's the number one contender for that championship, the World Heavyweight title. Oh my! Batista has come to SmackDown!. Good night everybody, from a historic night in Anaheim!

[confronting Theodore Long] I'm the most dominant talent on this program. I'm the big fish! I'm your meal ticket. So what I'm gonna need you to do, is I'm going to need you to take me out of this Elimination Chamber match and put me in a match for the World Heavyweight Title tonight with Daniel Bryan. [crowd boos]

Theodore Long

And if I don't?

So you're trying me now? Give these people what they want, you hear 'em. Give me what I want. Give me what I deserve.

Long

Let me tell you something right now. [repeatedly pokes his finger into Henry's chest] I don't know who you think you are. You understand? But I'm gonna give you half your wish! First, I'm taking you out of the Elimination Chamber, and second, there will be no World Title match for you tonight! Ya got that? [crowd boos]

You don't get it, do you? You're replaceable. Just like John Laurinaitis was on Raw. You have got to do the right thing. I'm not asking you. I'm demanding. [flips Long's tie in his face]

Long

Slow your role, playa. Now, I'm gonna tell you something. You see what you just did? It's gonna cost ya. I'm the general manager of SmackDown, and you just put your hands on me. So as of this moment, you are indefinitely suspended! [crowd cheers. Henry turns to leave, but then stops and grabs Long's tie]

If I'm gonna get suspended, then I might as well get my money's worth up out you.