Vince McMahon quotes from WWE SmackDown!

Vince McMahon

Now, I understand, that there are a number of you... [hears "Asshole!" chants] I understand that there are a number of you... I understand that... I understand that some of you feel as though that the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, last Monday on Raw, just wasn't fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though, since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the Intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn't fair. Well, that's just too damn bad. Because, if you don't think it was fair Monday, you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up, you wait in line, waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself, very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say, "Wait a minute! That's not fair!" And what about the parking lot, we've all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car - Oop! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say "Wait a minute! That's MY parking space, that's not fair!" What about, what about on those few occasions, when you will honestly and objectively, look into the full-length mirror? [senses reactions] Alright, now we're getting somewhere. And you women, look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves, and you say "Ewwww, eeeeh. Look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks! That's not fair!" And you men, you men won't come close to the mirror! But on that occasion where you might take a quick glimpse, you say "Oh, That can't be me. No, that can't be me with the pot belly, and the small genitalia! Oh no, that's not fair!" And you look at yourselves. Go ahead, look at yourselves! Look at the person sitting next to you, yeah, look at ‘em! Look at the person sitting in front of you! Go ahead, look at all of you! You look at yourselves, and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring, and you say "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And, forget about the looks, what about [makes money gesture] the money, huh? What about the money?! Uh-huh! You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can't afford what you really want? "That's not fair!" It's not fair that some people are rich and you're not! "That's not fair!" And you know, you have to face the facts, that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. And you say "It's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!" but you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts, that life is... not... fair. And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy, for some of you, and that is that - Life sucks, and then you die!!

Vince McMahon

Allow me to introduce to you the greatest WWF Champion of all time. Allow me to introduce to you the man, who'll lead Team WWF into Invasion. Allow me to introduce you to the man, who'll lead the Undertaker, Kane, Jericho and Angle into Invasion. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Stone Cold Steve Austin! [Austin heads down to the ring] You know Stone Cold, they say that since WrestleMania, you've changed. You maybe have. They say, that since WrestleMania, you've become more selfish than ever before, you've become uncaring. Matter of fact, many individuals feel as all, you've changed so much since WrestleMania, quite frankly you've become a very proficient brown-noser. [Austin reacts] Wait a minute, wait a minute. That's what some people say, they say, you've changed and I think you have changed. As far as the WWF Champion is concerned I think you've changed for the better. But quite frankly, when we approach the single greatest threat to the World Wrestling Federation ever at Invasion, you know, I'm not so sure that, we don't need another change Stone Cold. I mean, quite frankly, the man that I need to lead Team WWF, even though I've appreciated it, is not the Stone Cold Steve Austin who gives me hugs. I don't need the leader of Team WWF, the Stone Cold Steve Austin that... that gives me gifts, cowboy hats and... and Steve you had your wife Debra make me cookies. Steve, I don't need the kind of Stone Cold Steve Austin, that strums a guitar and sings to me to lead me and lead Team WWF into Invasion, that's not what I need, Steve. Dammit, you know what I need? You know who I need? I need the old Stone Cold! I need the Stone Cold Steve Austin who's a beer-swilling, foul-mouth SOB! I need the kind of Stone Cold Steve Austin who don't take no shit from anybody. I need the kind of HELL-RAISING, HELL-RAISING Stone Cold Steve Austin! I need the kind of Stone Cold Steve Austin, who not that long ago that would look at Mr. McMahon and if I parted my hair the wrong way, you would knock me on my ass! That's the kind of leadership I need from you Stone Cold! I need you to lead Team WWF into Invasion, I need the OLD Stone Cold! Are you listening to me, dammit?! Huh? Do you want to knock me on my ass now? Huh? Come on, I can feel it, I know I can feel it can feel it in my guts! COME ON, COME ON, NAIL ME! COME ON, KNOCK ME DOWN! KNOCK ME DOWN! If you want Stone Cold Steve Austin to beat THE LIVING HELL out of Vince McMahon, give me a HELL YEAH! [crowd chants Hell YEAH! in response]

Vince McMahon

The WWF...is going to die. I know that. The WWF has cancer... because of Ric Flair. Flair's gonna kill it. And the kind of cancer Flair gave the WWF, is the slow, eating, kind of cancer. It's not quick. I'm not gonna let Ric Flair kill what I created. Me. The WWF is mine. It's mine. I created it! I'm not gonna let Ric Flair kill what I created. Because I'm going to kill what I CREATED! I'M GONNA KILL IT! I'M GONNA KILL MY CREATION! I'm going to inject the WWF with a lethal dose of poison. If anybody's gonna kill my creation, I'm gonna do it. [turns his chair revealing "nWo" on the back] Me...and the n...W...o...

Vince McMahon

All right, don't start that crap! I'LL WALK RIGHT OUT OF HERE! Last week, my daughter, Stephanie, said she had a, a big surprise for everybody on SmackDown!. Boy did she ever, that was a whopper. Stephanie announced the return of Hulk Hogan. [crowd cheers] I know that uh, a lot of you people were surprised and certainly, I was surprised as well because all of a sudden, there I found myself in the ring, standing next to the Hulkster himself. [crowd cheers] Even though I could tell that Hulk Hogan was intimidated by my presence, I tried to be nice to him. Although quite frankly, I made a statement that may have been a bit inaccurate. [crowd chants "Asshole"] And I would appreciate it if you people would be nice to me. Last week, I explained to Hogan that I thought Hulkamania was a lot like the recently departed Al Wilson, that they were both dead. All right. I was wrong. How do you like that? Hulkamania's not dead. [crowd cheers] But I think most of you would agree with me, my personal assessment of Hulkamania, even though it's not dead, Hulkamania is on life support. [crowd boos] And it is because of each and every one of you, that Hulkamania still lives, is because each and every one of you, who blow your hot air into the respirator of Hulkamania that keeps Hulk Hogan's lifeless body alive! [crowd cheers] But you know, you people don't know who you're cheering for, you don't know Hogan. You don't know him like I know him. Let me tell you that. I know Hulk Hogan better than anyone alive. As a businessman, Hogan is a cold, calculating, manipulative, man-eating predator. But as a human being, as a human being, Hogan is a depraved, twisted, blood-sucking bottom feeder. [crowd boos] Hogan is so practiced in the art of deception, that you people actually believe in him. [crowd cheers and chants "Hogan"] I don't get it, I, I don't understand it. I, I don't get it, I don't get the red and the yellow. I, I don't understand that. I don't get the, the training and taking your vitamins and saying your prayers and all that crap. I don't get this "Hulkamania will live forever" stuff. I'm sorry, I don't get it. See, Hulkamania may still be barely alive, but mark my words, I, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, I will kill it. [crowd boos] You people are so gullible. Hogan himself doesn't believe what he said. He didn't believe that crap! And neither should you! [crowd chants "Asshole"] Listen, Hogan, Hogan owes me. [points to the audience] Each and every one of you people, you owe me as well. I created Hulkamania! You people owe me. Hogan owes me! How, how dare Hulk Hogan, last week to walk into my ring? How dare Hulk Hogan to challenge me to a match? [crowd cheers] How dare Hulk Hogan strike me down with a sucker punch? [crowd cheers] And how dare each and every one of you cheering Hogan on supporting him for doing it? [crowd cheers, then chants "Hogan"] All right, Hogan. Hogan wants an answer to his challenge to me? You people want an answer from me as it relates to Hogan's challenge? [crowd cheers] Well I'll tell you the way it's gonna go down. There's no way out for the Hulkster. No no. There's no way out. Because at No Way Out, in one corner, you'll have Hulk Hogan and all his Hulkamaniacs. [crowd cheers] By God, in the other corner, you'll have none other than...The Rock! [crowd cheers] So, what ya gonna do, Hulk Hogan? What ya gonna do, Hulkster? What ya gonna do at No Way Out when The Rock runs wild on you?

Vince McMahon

Well I got some bad news for you tonight! That's all right, because not only do I have bad news for you, also I have some good news for you. And the bad news is that tonight, The Rock, The Rock will not be here tonight. Whoa whoa whoa ho, the reason The Rock won't be here tonight is because The Rock himself has earned the right to go to whatever show he wants to go, whenever he wants to go. So therefore The Rock has chosen to leave SmackDown! and go to Raw. Now then the good news. No no no no, this is good, hang on. This is really good. That tonight, Hulk Hogan, [crowd cheers] the Hulkster himself will not be here tonight! [crowd boos] Little disappointed in that, are you? Not as disappointed as I am. Hogan is using the flimsy excuses to why he's not here tonight. He's using the flimsy excuse, [crowd chants "asshole"] Hogan is using the flimsy excuse of a family emergency. Yeah. Imagine that one, that's a whopper huh? Something to do with his son. Nick, I think that's his name. Whatever the hell his name is, Nicolas. Is Nicolas short for, it really doesn't matter, because let's face it. There's only one reason why Hulk Hogan is not here tonight. And it's real simple. Read my lips, Hulk Hogan is a coward. [crowd boos] Hulk Hogan is afraid of me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. The hell he's not. It started about a month ago when Hogan challenged me to a match. Hey look, it's like this Hogan. Hogan, you don't screw with me, Hogan. Oh no. You see, [crowd chants "Hogan"] Shut up when I'm out here! You don't screw with me Hogan. I screw with you. And boy did I ever screw him huh? Ho ho! I screwed Hogan royally at No Way Out. Oh I'm damn proud of it, yes I am. You see, it went down like this. Hogan and Rock in the match. Hogan drops the big leg down on The Rock, hooks up The Rock, one, two and then, literally, the lights went out on Hulk Hogan. And when the lights came up, there's a bewildered Hogan standing in the ring and like The Rock's down, and the referee's down, what's going on and all of a sudden, down coming from the ramp is me to confront Hulk Hogan. And as Hogan, as Hogan is confronting me, little does he see, the appointed official, the appointed official, ladies and gentlemen, who I might add is a Canadian just like all of you. [crowd cheers] This Canadian, behind the Hulkster's back, slides the chair over to The Rock, who picks it up and then bam, Hogan goes down like one great big blivet. And then The Rock gives the Rock Bottom to Hulk Hogan and then the one, two, three. And if you don't believe me, if you don't believe everything I just said tonight, we're breaking tradition. Tonight you'll see it for yourself. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, you'll see the world broadcast premiere of exactly what I just described. And after you've seen it, after you've seen this footage, then you will agree with me unquestionably that tonight, it will be official. Hulkamania is dead. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. But there's a new mania here in the WWE. Oh yeah! There's a new mania, and that new mania is simply this. McMahonamania is running wild!

Vince McMahon

Good evening. My name is Vincent Kennedy McMahon. And tonight, finally, once and for all, I will personally seal the fate of Mr. America. And tonight, I present to you a special, two-on-one matchup, in which my daughter, Stephanie McMahon, teams up with the one-legged Zach Gowen. And collectively, they will face the mighty Big Show, in what will truly be, the first-ever handicap match.

Vince McMahon

Well, well, well, well. Lookee here, it's me, Vince McMahon. You remember me, Vince McMahon, chairman of the board? Yeah, I'm sure you do. And I am proud to stand here--next to Sable--proud to stand here and say to each and every one of you, that I beat the snot right out of my very own daughter, Stephanie McMahon. Boo all you want. Hey, boo all you want, it doesn't matter to me, hell, nothing bothers me. I know where I'm going when I croak. I know where I'm going when I kick the bucket. Hey, I'm going to hell in a handbasket. I know that but I'm not dead. I'm very much alive and... well, we're celebrating tonight. Matter of fact, maybe even kinda like, I celebrated after No Mercy. After I beat my daughter, after I shoved my wife down onto the mat, I celebrated unlike all the rest of you henpecked husbands and boyfriends who do exactly as you're told. You know, how I celebrated after No Mercy, you heard the expression, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Well, I assure you, I didn't spoil the child but I didn't spare the rod either, did I, Sable? Oh no, I used it all night long. Quite frankly, I accomplished the two things I wanted to accomplish. One: Stephanie McMahon is, as we speak, unemployed. And the second thing I accomplished, equally important, if not even more so, is that Brock Lesnar remains your WWE Champion. Hey, listen, I admit, Brock needed a little assistance in this match but why wouldn't he? Brock's a professional wrestler. He's not a barbarian. He shouldn't have been placed in this biker chain match by my daughter to begin with. So, I mean, when Undertaker somehow was reaching up for that chain and Brock was down to the canvas, well, somehow conveniently the lights were turned out. And then, when Undertaker was reaching for the chain again, somehow someone told the FBI to come down and kick the hell out of the Undertaker. And then, when all else failed, and Undertaker got the chain and he turned around at the top rope, who was there rolling out from underneath the ring to give the Undertaker the ride of a life he'll never forget? Me! Me, Vince McMahon! You see, the Undertaker has to learn the hard way, just like some of these other superstars, although he has to learn even harder and that is that, and the one thing Undertaker learned is you don't cross the boss. You don't...you don't give grief to the head chief. Wait a minute, wait a minute. But you do have sex with the man who signs your checks. Oh, yeah, I'm on fire tonight! No doubt! Yeah! But, quite frankly, enough about the celebration, we now need to get down to business. I've thought long and hard about who should be our next general manager here on SmackDown!. But it's not you, Sable, that's not your job. I have some other jobs suggested for you. No, as a matter of fact, the person I'm about to name as your new general manager, well, he's someone who quite frankly tried to put me out of business. He's someone that if he's around you for a lengthened time, you find yourself reaching for his throat just so you could strangle him. But... but, nonetheless without a doubt, this person is one of the most ingenious, creative, and manipulative minds in the history of this business. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new general manager of SmackDown!, I give you Paul Heyman!

Vince McMahon

On a recent edition of Raw, the WWE presented a special tribute show, recognizing the career of Chris Benoit. However, the facts of this horrific tragedy involving Chris Benoit were not known at the time. Therefore, other than my comments, there will be no mention of Mr. Benoit's name in this program. On the contrary, this show is dedicated to everyone who has been affected by this terrible incident. This marks the first step of the healing process whereby WWE performers will now do what they do better than anyone else in the world: entertain you.

Vince McMahon

I'm not looking for trouble tonight. I'm not looking for trouble, I've had enough for one night. You don't even know what's happened here to me, all right. Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, I understand that and you should know, I know you're angry with me but the Undertaker, wait a minute, the Undertaker, he's the reason why you're not the WWF Champion. The Undertaker himself disqualified you for outside- it was The Undertaker's fault, that's why you're not the WWF Champion, but wait a minute, I know you're still angry with me, and this is what I want: just to show you there's no hard feelings, I want you to take the night off, Rock. I want you to take [Rock looks at Vince laying hand on him] Rock, settle down, please just take the night off that's all I ask. No hard feelings, I don't want anymore trouble, not tonight, okay? Please.

The Rock

So the Rock's got the night off?

Vince

The Rock's got the night off, okay? I mean it's about time.

The Rock

Night off for the Rock.

Vince

A night off for the Rock.

The Rock

The Rock doesn't go to SmackDown.

Vince

Not a thing, no sir, okay? Have a good night, Rock. [Rock gets back to limo; to driver] Driver, you take him anyplace he wants to go, alright? It's on me. Anyplace he wants to go. Allright? Gerald.

You did a good job.

Vince

Thank you.

The Rock

[calls out from window] Oh Vince, Vince, by the way, before you leave, before the Rock leaves, come here for a second, Rock wants to tell you one thing. [Vince is curious] Come a little closer, you don't want the driver to hear this, Vince. [Vince gets closer, close enough for the Rock to slap him]

Vince

[as he reels from the slap and Brisco takes him away] You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! [walks off] You son of a bitch!

Vince McMahon

Tonight - tonight, the spirit of America...lives...here...in Houston, Texas! On behalf of everyone here in the arena, and a worldwide television audience, we would like to extend our condolences to the victims, and the families and friends of the victims of the terrorist acts that occurred on Tuesday in New York City and Washington, DC. Our nation's leaders have encouraged us to continue to live our lives...the American way...they've encouraged us to practice and exercise our Constitutional rights. And, as such, tonight I believe this is the first public assembly of its size since the tragedy of Tuesday. Make - make NO MISTAKE about what - and make no mistake about the message this public assembly is sending to terrorism tonight. And that message, quite simply, is that we will not live our lives in fear. The citizens of Houston are NOT afraid...the citizens of Texas are, indeed, not afraid...and by God, the citizens of the United States are not afraid! For we are a proud people - proud of who we are, proud of our nation, and damn proud to be Americans!

[chanting] USA!

And we...and we will fight. We will fight for our families, we will fight for our rights, and we will fight for our great nation. America's heart has been wounded. But her spirit - her spirit shines as a beacon of freedom - a beacon of freedom that never has been, nor ever will be extinguished. The World Wrestling Federation would like to thank each and every one of you here in the Compaq Center tonight. The World Wrestling Federation would like to thank each and every one of you watching on television. We would like to thank you for the honor and privilege of performing before you here tonight.

Vince McMahon

Well well well uh, may I have your attention please? Hogan, Triple H, listen up. I mean uh, seems to me we have quite a dilemma here now don't we? I mean, Hogan and Triple H going over the top rope at the very same time with apparently no conclusive proof as to who actually won. So, I ask all of you then, who should face The Undertaker at the King of the Ring? Should it be, should it be Hulk Hogan? [crowd cheers] Should it be Triple H? [crowd cheers] Well I can tell you this. I'm not about to allow some hokey okies influencing my decision. [crowd boos] But I will allow one individual in influence me, as a matter of fact, his name is The Undertaker. You see, during the commercial break, I called The Undertaker at home. But quite frankly, he doesn't give a damn which individual he faces either. Because The Undertaker looks at both Hogan and Triple H, both of you gentlemen, as losers. And why shouldn't he? I mean, let's face it, Hogan, at Judgment Day, The Undertaker defeated you for the Undisputed title. And uh, Triple H, last week here on SmackDown!, The Undertaker beat the holy living hell out of you. So then, who should face The Undertaker for the Undisputed title at the King of the Ring? I'll tell you who it's gonna be. The winner of tonight's one on one encounter between Triple H and Hulk Hogan.

Michael Cole

Tonight?

Thank you very much.