Michael Cole quotes from WWE SmackDown!

Michael Cole

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This past week, we lost two beloved members of our WWE family: Hall of Famer Terry Funk, and the one and only Bray Wyatt. Tonight on Friday Night SmackDown, we will honor their legacy and celebrate their lives. The lives of two incredible men who have touched all of us with their passion, their creativity, and their spirit. Please join us for a moment of silence in our traditional ten bell salute.

The Rock

The Rock promised that Stone Cold was gonna be here tonight, and the Rock is a man and a half living up to his word, and always keeps his promises! Now all night long, the Rock has thoroughly enjoyed watching all your candy asses get confused, get paranoid. The beer, the rattlesnake, the only regret is that the Rattlesnake didn't bite one of you in your candy asses! Shane McMahon, beating up the cardboard cutout of Stone Cold. Real tough. Triple H, beating up the Stone Cold lookalike in a bathroom! Well, who do you think the Rock is? The Rock doesn't dress like Stone Cold, The Rock doesn't talk like Stone Cold, the Rock doesn't even look like Stone Cold... but [gestures to Smackdown screen] HE looks like Stone Cold. [Austin appears on screen]

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Hell, I understand you jackasses have been looking for me. Hell, I'm at the parking lot, I've been here in out all night long! Now there seems to be some concern over whose side Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna be on this Sunday at Backlash. Will Stone Cold Steve Austin be looking to favor Triple H or will Stone Cold Steve Austin be on the side of The Rock. That's an easy one for Stone Cold to answer, because the answer to that is, I'm gonna be on the side I've always been on and that's mine! But what I've got right now, is a little demonstration for ya, to any one of you little grubby bastards that thinks they're gonna get their hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, there's a lot of people out there that are good at construction, a lot of people good at building little things with their hands. Hell it seems the only thing I've ever been good at is tearing shit up. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm good at deconstruction, so what we got here [tears off label in crane, revealing AUSTIN DECONSTRUCTION] is my own little toy and Stone Cold Steve Austin's got just a little example of what might happen [gets in control booth] if anybody gets their little grubby meathooks on me!

Michael Cole

Where is he, King?

Jerry Lawler

He's in a parking lot.

Austin

[sets up controls] Oh that's what I'd like to hear.

Cole

What the hell is he doing? [sees Austin set up a concrete barrier over the DX Express bus] Wait a minute, that's the DX Express!! [Austin drops barrier on the bus and the bus explodes] Holy cow! Do you believe that? The DX... Express bus just exploded!!

Lawler

It's on fire!

Austin

And that's what's gonna happen to anybody that tries to mess with Stone Cold Steve Austin this Sunday at Backlash AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, 'CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!

Lawler

He's demolished the DX Express!

Cole

Oh hell yeah, Stone Cold is back! Austin 3:16 says, "I just wrecked your bus!" Sunday night, King, at Backlash, on pay-per-view could be the Rock's night 'cause Stone Cold said so!

Jerry Lawler

[whispers] Gerald Brisco is the Hardcore Champion.

Michael Cole

[whispers as well while Brisco is elated and is given the belt without speaking] You gotta be kidding me!

Lawler

Gerald Brisco has the Hardcore Title, so get them to tune in the music. It will wake up Crash. [Brisco and the referee try to sneak out] Gerald Brisco is - [but the referee stumbles on a chair, which wakes up Crash. Brisco scrambles]

Cole

Wait a minute!

Where's my belt?!? Hey you... [to ref] come with me [to Brisco] hey!!!

Lawler

[as Crash and the ref chase Brisco] Look at this!

Cole

King, Gerald Brisco had the Hardcore title from Crash while he was sleeping [Lawler laughs] and the chase is on!

Michael Cole

Wait a minute! Rhyno! Rhyno from The Alliance ambushing, attacking Jericho from behind! Where the hell did he come from?

Tazz

Well I guess Jericho's mouth will be shut finally.

Cole

Rhyno, on that steel ramp, [Rhyno suplexes Jericho on the ramp] suplexing Jericho! His back and head, bouncing off that steel!

Tazz

Shut his mouth, Rhyno! Shut it!

Cole

Wait a minute! [Rhyno is calling for Jericho to get up] Oh my God! What the hell's Rhyno doing?

Tazz

Can you feel it Cole? Can you feel it?! [Rhyno charges at Jericho and gores him through the SmackDown! titantron]

Cole

A Gore!

Tazz

YEAH!

Cole

A Gore! A Gore through the screen!

Tazz

Y2J just got Gored into the next millennium! Shut his mouth!

Cole

Rhyno with that devastating Gore through that video screen, and onto the steel behind, and Jericho grimacing in pain!

Tazz

That was amazing! I don't hear Jericho yapping now, do I?

Michael Cole

[as Rock holds down Vince] I think Rikishi's gonna give it to him!

Jim Ross

Give it to him! Give it to him!

Jerry Lawler

No, don't! [As Rikishi raises his mawashi to ensure Vince gets the full stinkface] He's a billionaire! HE OWNS THIS COMPANY! [screams as Rock shoves Vince's face up Rikishi's ass]

Jim

Oh Lucifer's lips on the biggest ass in the WWF! Oh hell yeah! [stands up as Jerry Lawler blows a raspberry and Rock lets go of Vince] Thank God, Thank God! THERE IS... THERE IS A GOD IN THIS WORLD!!

The Rock

The Rock says, On behalf of the millions, [crowd follows up "and Millions!"] the Vince McMahon Kiss-Your-Ass Club is officially closed, IF YOU SMELLL, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!

Jim

How does it feel to be humiliated? How does it feel to be humiliated in front of the whole damn world?!! How do you like that?!?!

Jerry

I think, I think Vince knows what Rikishi ate for dinner! [makes mock cough]

Vince McMahon

Well well well uh, may I have your attention please? Hogan, Triple H, listen up. I mean uh, seems to me we have quite a dilemma here now don't we? I mean, Hogan and Triple H going over the top rope at the very same time with apparently no conclusive proof as to who actually won. So, I ask all of you then, who should face The Undertaker at the King of the Ring? Should it be, should it be Hulk Hogan? [crowd cheers] Should it be Triple H? [crowd cheers] Well I can tell you this. I'm not about to allow some hokey okies influencing my decision. [crowd boos] But I will allow one individual in influence me, as a matter of fact, his name is The Undertaker. You see, during the commercial break, I called The Undertaker at home. But quite frankly, he doesn't give a damn which individual he faces either. Because The Undertaker looks at both Hogan and Triple H, both of you gentlemen, as losers. And why shouldn't he? I mean, let's face it, Hogan, at Judgment Day, The Undertaker defeated you for the Undisputed title. And uh, Triple H, last week here on SmackDown!, The Undertaker beat the holy living hell out of you. So then, who should face The Undertaker for the Undisputed title at the King of the Ring? I'll tell you who it's gonna be. The winner of tonight's one on one encounter between Triple H and Hulk Hogan.

Michael Cole

Tonight?

Thank you very much.

Michael Cole

Undertaker, we understand this is extremely difficult for you.

The Undertaker

Of all the things that I've been in my life, I've never been a liar. So I've requested this time so I can get a few things off my chest and set the record straight. When I was accused by this woman of being a cheater, well I lied. I do know her. But I mean, look, I knew a lot of women like her back then. But see, that was years ago. It was a long time ago, YEARS before I ever met my wife, Sara. So to say I was surprised last week when I got to SmackDown! and here's this woman accusing me of being a cheater, surprised would be an understatement. And man I had to make a judgment call, because all I could see was my pregnant wife sitting at home watching this woman accuse me of being a cheater. Truth is, I haven't seen this woman in about seven years. I don't know what she wants. I don't know if she's been paid off by Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. I don't know, all I know is the last week of my life has been a living hell due to Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. But let me guarantee you two something. The hell that I've been through is nothing, IS NOTHING compared to the hell that I'm gonna put you two through this Sunday in the Cell.

Michael Cole

And here in the parking garage of the Hartford Civic Center, there is a one-man welcoming committee for the WWE Champion, The Big Show and Paul Heyman.

Tazz

Lesnar ripped of his title by his agent at Survivor Series.

Kurt Angle

Well, here I am, Kurt Angle! [crowd cheers] You know, I've been the Tag Team Champion, Intercontinental Champion, King of the Ring, NCAA Champion, World Champion, Olympic gold medalist, and once again your WWE Champion! Woo! But I'm not out here to celebrate. Actually I'm out here to get something off my chest. You see, it may sound a little strange coming from me, but it's true. It's true. You see, all my life, I've earned every title I've set out to win on my own. And this one's different. You see, I'm not so sure I could've beaten The Big Show on my own. I may have, I may not have. But there was one man who lived up to his word, and kept his promise. Then did the right thing when it counted, and I'd like to personally thank him right now. [Brock Lesnar's music hits]

Michael Cole

Well it looks like Kurt Angle is gonna be able to personally thank Brock Lesnar in person. [Brock Lesnar comes out] At Armageddon on Sunday, Brock Lesnar promised to make an impact. And boy, Lesnar made an impact.

Tazz

Brock Lesnar, as everybody knows, is always impactful. Well this past Sunday at Armageddon, you're right partner. Big time impact.

Cole

Well Kurt Angle went to Stephanie McMahon, and had the suspension of Brock Lesnar lifted, and Brock Lesnar upheld his end of the bargain.

Angle

Speaking the devil. You see Brock, I always said I could beat any person on this planet. Any man on this planet. But I'm not so sure I could've beat The Big Show on my own, especially with Paul Heyman in his corner, if it wasn't for you. Now I know you don't want a thank you, I know you don't want a pat on the back, I know Brock. You want something different. You want what every person in this arena wants. You want what every person in this world wants to see. The most anticipated match in WWE history. Kurt Angle versus Brock Lesnar.

Cole

Oh yeah!

Tazz

Yeah no doubt, no doubt! That'll be off the hook!

Angle

One on one for the WWE Championship, am I right? Well Brock, I'm a man of my word, and I said if I won this title, you'd be the first one to get the title shot. So here it goes Brock. NCAA Champion versus Olympic gold medalist. The match that everyone wants to see, the most anticipated match in the world. Brock, you earned it. Anytime, anywhere, any place. You name it.

Brock Lesnar

I'm glad you feel that way Kurt. Because I want that match, here tonight in Tampa! [crowd cheers]

Angle

That sounds incredible, Brock. That sounds good to me. But it's not gonna happen.

Cole

What? [crowd boos]

Angle

You see Brock, I'm a little banged up as it is, but more importantly, I already have a match scheduled with Chris Benoit, non-title match. 'Cause I promised you the first title match. And Brock it's already been signed, my hands are tied. My hands are tied. But listen to me, listen to me. No one in this company, no one on this planet can understand the sacrifice and dedication to be the best in the world more than me. So if it's a title shot you want Brock, it's a title shot you want. The match everyone wants to see, Kurt Angle versus Brock Lesnar, next week on SmackDown!, what do you say?

Cole

Imagine Tampa won't like it, well they'll be happy in Tulsa.

Angle

Brock, Brock I said you'll get your first, Brock you get the first title shot. It'll be next week on SmackDown!. What do you say Brock? You earned it. [extends his hand, and after several seconds, Lesnar shakes Angle's hand]

Michael Cole

Earlier today, the arrival at the Mellon Arena of the challenger, the confident number one contender, Brock Lesnar. [cuts to Kurt Angle with Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin in tow] A bit later on, a somber homecoming for the champion, a concerned Kurt Angle.

Tazz

You're looking at a man in a trance. Is it focus or is it fear?

How ya doing Kurt? [Angle looks at him and doesn't say anything]

Cole

Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a match tonight and the WWE title is on the line. WrestleMania has come early. It's Lesnar versus Angle tonight!

Brock Lesnar

You know, last Sunday, I went through one hell of a match. One hell of a fight with John Cena at Backlash. I like fights. Kudos to John Cena. He gave me one hell of a fight. One hell of a fight he did. But I'm not here tonight to talk about that. You see, there's something else that happened that night that really disturbs me. You see, I came out here tonight. I'm looking for another fight. Big Show.

Tazz

Uh-oh.

Lesnar

That's right, Big Show. I came here tonight looking for a fight with you. You see Big Show, what you did to Rey Mysterio at Backlash, gutless. That's what I call it. Gutless! So I gotta ask you Show. I gotta ask you. From me to you. Why? Why Big Show? Did it make you feel, did it make you feel better, Show? Did it make you feel like a bigger giant than you are? Seven feet two, 500 pounds? You feel like a bigger human being, Show? Or was it, Show, that you realized that Rey Mysterio had a bigger heart than you? Is that what it was? Big Show, you can run all over the mat, you can run all over the locker room, you can come in this ring and bully anybody you want, but I ain't standing for it! You want to bully somebody, Big Show? Why don't you bring your big giant slobbery ass down to this ring and try to bully Brock Lesnar?

Tazz

Oh boy!

Lesnar

That's right Show! Bring your big giant ass down here so you can feel the pain! [Big Show's music hits]

Tazz

Oh we're going, we're going Cole!

Michael Cole

Here we go!

Tazz

Oh it's go time! [Big Show comes out]

Cole

The Big Show has been called out by Lesnar! Because the WWE Champion, you're the leader of the locker room. Brock Lesnar acting like that leader tonight. Echoing many of the sentiments of the other superstars.

Big Show

Bully someone? Bully someone is what you're talking about?! Bully? Listen, Rey Mysterio, he had exactly what he deserved coming to him, just like you're gonna get it too. You calling me out for a fight? Remember, I'll beat your ass just like I did at Survivor Series. Oh no no no. I'm not stepping in that ring until you put that WWE Championship on the line.

Lesnar

You want my title Show?

Big Show

Yeah!

Lesnar

You want this title?

Big Show

Yeah!

Lesnar

Come and get it!

Tazz

Big Show's in a land where he doesn't belong, on those ropes.

Michael Cole

[Lesnar punches Big Show on the top rope] And Brock Lesnar looks to take advantage.

Tazz

Here comes Brock now. Here comes Brock. [Lesnar climbs the top rope]

Cole

The champion...

Tazz

Oh whoa.

Cole

Wait a minute.

Tazz

No.

Cole

Oh my God. [Lesnar punches Big Show]

Tazz

No!

Cole

Lesnar with the, the clubbing blows to the back!

Tazz

No freaking way! [Lesnar prepares to suplex Big Show off the top rope]

Cole

Is he setting Big Show up for?!

Tazz

A superplex!

Cole

No he can't do this!

Tazz

That's a 500-pound superplex!

Cole

Brock Lesnar to the top rope!

Tazz

No! Top rope! A 500-pound superplex! [Lesnar suplexes Big Show off the top rope, and the ring collapses on impact]

Cole

A superplex!

Tazz

Holy --

Cole

Oh my God!

Tazz

Holy (beep)!

Cole

What the hell?! The ring just imploded! The ring blew up!

Michael Cole

Well ladies and gentlemen, tragedy has struck SmackDown!, one of the most courageous people I've ever met, Zach Gowen, the victim of a sickening, premeditated assault by Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar conducting this assault on Zach Gowen in front of Gowen's family. In front of his own mother, Colleena. You can hear Colleena in the background.

Tazz

Well that's exactly what Lesnar does, he puts Zach Gowen. Look at how Lesnar does it. God you see his, Zach Gowen's knee just torqued right around that steel post.

Cole

And that wasn't enough, this sick excuse for a human being, Brock Lesnar wouldn't even allow the paramedics to carry Zach Gowen out of this arena. You know, ladies and gentlemen, every week, we're paid to come out here and be unbiased. To describe the action, to explain to you what's going on and not take sides. But, tonight I gotta break tradition. What we saw moments ago was absolutely ridiculous, and for what? For what did Brock Lesnar do this for? It's not about the WWE Championship! It wasn't even about winning a damn match! Brock Lesnar was a bully; Brock Lesnar acted like an ass out here tonight, and for what? For what purpose?!

Tazz

Well I don't know for what. I, I, I thought I knew Brock Lesnar also. I, I guess I didn't know Brock. I remember Brock when he first came up in our company. And I knew Brock, we became friends and I, along with Kurt Angle, and I, I guess I didn't know Brock either. I'm uh, disgusted. I mean, he's gonna get himself blacklisted in that locker room, I'll tell you that.

Cole

Blackli - you think Brock Lesnar gives a damn about being blacklisted?!

Tazz

No, I don't, I don't think he cares.

Cole

He came out here tonight, vowed to break a kid's leg, took Zach Gowen and twice F5'd him into the steel post. The same move that required Kurt Angle to get knee surgery. You think he cares about being blacklisted?! He doesn't give a damn about anything except Mr. McMahon and that damn WWE title!

Tazz

With Mr. McMahon in the head of Brock Lesnar, this man, this manster as we call him, Brock Lesnar is capable of anything. A vicious, vicious, animal. That's what he is.

Cole

And all I can say, I'm gonna say it again and I've said it before. I hope at SummerSlam this Sunday, that Kurt Angle breaks every bone in Brock Lesnar's body. At SummerSlam, Brock Lesnar gets what he deserves.

Tazz

Well Cole, I don't think Kurt can do it. I mean, no knock on Kurt Angle, the most celebrated athlete in WWE history, and all that great stuff, Brock Lesnar is on a mission and it's a dangerous, raging mission.

Cole

Well somebody's gotta do something.

Brock Lesnar

Shut up and sit down, I got something to say! You see, ever since SummerSlam, everywhere I go, everybody keeps saying the same damn thing. "You tapped out". SHUT UP IT AIN'T FUNNY! People say it at the hotels, in the gym, in the restaurant, EVERYWHERE I GO! In the damn airplanes, they're telling me, "you tapped out. You tapped", I'M SICK OF IT! I'M SICK OF IT! [crowd chants "you tapped out"] SHUT UP!

Tazz

Yeah shut up, he's gonna go nuts!

Michael Cole

This crowd chanting "you tapped out".

Tazz

Yeah he's gonna snap.

Lesnar

Well I got news for ya! What happened at SummerSlam was a damn fluke. No wait, it was a mirage, that's what it was. Oh no no no! It was a miracle, that's what it was, because Brock Lesnar has never tapped out in his life! You see, I'm not a quitter damn it! No I'm not. I ain't like all of you people. Can't find jobs and if you can't find a job, you just quit looking for one. You see I never tapped out, it never happened! Well, maybe it happened but it really didn't happen you see. Hey, what happened to me at SummerSlam, I know it has to be the most embarrassing thing that happened to me in my entire life, period! That's all right, because I know what you people are thinking. I know what you people are thinking, you're thinking "hey Brock, there's no shame in tapping out to Kurt Angle. He's an Olympic champion." Well that's bullshit! Because I'm Brock Lesnar, and I'm special damn it!

Tazz

Well he's special.

Lesnar

That's right. You people might think that me and Kurt Angle, that we're over. But you're wrong. You're dead wrong. You see I'm out here tonight, I'm asking, no I'm demanding, I am demanding a title rematch, Kurt. You see Kurt, I know you're back there, I know you can hear me with those puny little ugly-ass ears of yours. I know you can hear me Kurt. So you better get your ass out here because if you don't, what I did to Zach Gowen last week,

Kurt Angle

[on screen] Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah! [mockingly] What's wrong Brockie? Want me come down and change your diaper?

Cole

Oh boy.

Angle

You know this is ridiculous. You know something Brock? You're right. You're not like anyone else. You're the most fearsome athlete that ever stepped foot in a WWE ring. Well you know something? You sound more like a [mockingly] baby that just lost his rattle. You know something Brock, that's not the way a WWE, no I should say, a FORMER WWE Champion's supposed to act.

Lesnar

Oh you're pretty funny Kurt hahaha!

Angle

See Brock, go ahead and act like an idiot, 'cause you know what? I was like you before. Whenever I'd lose, whenever I'd lose Brock, I'd hop in that ring and sound exactly the way you sound right now. Like a whiny little bitch! But Brock, I learned. You hear these WWE fans? I learned from them Brock. Because they're not impressed with bitching. They're impressed with action. You know all the kind of action like, when I beat your ass at SummerSlam! Woo! That kind of action. Which gives me a good idea. You know how you said you never tapped before and you'll never tap again? Why don't I just uh, mozie on down to the ring right now and, I don't know, beat you up a little bit? Hit you with a couple of German suplexes, nail you with an Angle Slam, and slap that ankle lock on you and make you tap out one more time, YOU BIG OGRE LOOKING SON OF A BITCH! WOO! Oh it's true!

Lesnar

Come on Kurt! Prove it! Come on loudmouth!

John Cena

Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! Damn y'all are alive tonight! [crowd chants "Cena"] This is my home. This is where I'm from. Y'all are my peoples. Hell, I used to buy tickets for the old Boston Garden. I could only afford the cheap ones where I was sitting right behind the pole. But that's real, and we gotta kick this off real. Now is Beantown here to represent?

Hell yes!

Cena

So let me hear the whole building make some noise! [crowd cheers] You see, uh, at WrestleMania, Big Show didn't think I was a fighter. I put him on an FU diet. He came out ten pounds lighter. The SmackDown! video games are only way he could me. I bring championships home like my name was Tom Brady. But there's some people out there, that think I disgraced this title's heritage. [crowd boos] That's 'cause your boy's causing more controversies than gay marriages. Cole, Cole, no offense bro, we still cool right? [Tazz laughs]

Michael Cole

What?

Cena

All right bro. All right. Plus, the FCC is crackin' down on me too. [crowd boos] Man, those people suck! Just like the Yankees do. [crowd cheers, then chants "Yankees suck"] But I'm still throwin' the W up, changing the whole industry, I'm like the big dick bro. Nobody can finish me.

Cole

John Cena all fired up tonight.

Tony Chimel

And his opponent,

Cole

His first U.S. title defense, [Paul Heyman's music hits]

Tazz

Oh whoa whoa!

Cole

Wait a minute, that's not Cena's opponent.

Tazz

The hell? [Paul Heyman comes out]

Cole

That's our general manager, Paul Heyman. Leave it to Heyman to ruin a great homecoming.

Paul Heyman

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. [crowd boos] The rumors are true. Brock Lesnar is no longer with Paul Heyman's SmackDown!. Brock Lesnar has left World Wrestling Entertainment. But for you John, that could be good news, because now that Brock Lesnar's gone, there's a whole world of opportunity for any SmackDown! superstar that wants to grab it. Which means you John, could be the new face of SmackDown!. But it doesn't have to be that way. You see, this coming Monday, live in Detroit, Michigan, every ungrateful member of that Paul Heyman's SmackDown! locker room will be at Monday Night Raw, including you John. And by order of the chairman of the board, Mr. McMahon, the representative of Raw is gonna pick out names. And if a member of the SmackDown! locker room happens to be one of those names, then that member of SmackDown! goes to Raw. And if I, John, happen to pick out a name of a Raw superstar, then that Raw superstar gets drafted to Paul Heyman's brand new SmackDown!. You see John, if I were one of the superstars, if I were in that locker room tonight, I would get down on my hands and my knees and I would pray to God that I get drafted to Monday Night Raw because those that get left behind are going to incur the wrath of Paul Heyman. So let me spell this out for you so that even you can understand it John. I'm very stressed out. I got stunned by Stone Cold because of that locker room, AND I WANT EVERY MEMBER OF MY LOCKER ROOM GONE! I WANT YOU OFF OF MY SHOW! YOU CONTEMPTIBLE PIECE OF BOSTON CRAP! [slaps Cena]

Cole

Oh ho!

Tazz

Man.

Heyman

DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M FINISHED WITH YOU! I'm, I'm gonna -- [tries to hit Cena but Cena blocks]

Tazz

Uh-oh! [Cena knocks out Heyman]

Cole

And a right hand to the jaw of Heyman!