You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?
MMick
Yes, I do!
That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!
MMick
How you figure?
Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?
Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!
I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours?
[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]
I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
Cmon, so you're telling me-
He's my son!
You're telling me-
You don't believe me?
You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
Well, I nailed - nailed - I [Lawler scoffs] Okay.
KKing
Tell me how that...
Jerry, can I trust you?
KKing
I'll tell nobody.
I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been [Lawler begins to laugh] don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda [fixes up tie] studly.
KKing
Oh yeah right?
I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
KKing
Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
No no, in the kitchen floor.
KKing
Oh no!
Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the [slaps thigh] funeral home.
KKing
[starts to giggle and laugh] Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
KKing
Swear to God.
I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. [as Lawler laughs] It's true!
KKing
Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, [Lawler laughs] and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! [they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]
KKing
Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?
[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]
I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than Godzilla recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!
[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]
Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now [points to chair] There's the chair. Come on, come on, [as Mick picks up and they go around the ring] make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. [Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve] COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? [closer to Mick's face] All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. [later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]
[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]
What about it, Austin? Kane...
Look, look... [Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]
It's not Kane! [Austin is surprised] It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... [the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin] the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!
[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]
YSYamaguchi-san
Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! [gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]
[stunned] That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
YSYamaguchi-san
I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!
[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]
What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
TMTaka Michinoku
[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san] Sister! My sister!!!
What did he just say? My sister?
Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family!
[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]
Are you still hanging in there?
Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
JWJohn Wayne Bobbitt
We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
BBobbitt
Yeah they found it.
Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
[to Yamaguchi-san's wife] Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. Adios! Goodbye lady!
[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]
Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, The Preacher's Wife. [TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]
[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed] Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. [Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]
TRTerri Runnels
Hi Dustin. [goes back under]
and again, and again... [laughs]
DRDustin Runnels
[mouths off] My God... [breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]
[laughs] I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!
[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]
Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
That's right.
So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! [Undertaker glares at him]
What? What is he saying, J.R.?
You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
MMcMahon
...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
Oh my God in heaven.
What?
Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
MMcMahon
And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
Can you imagine that?
MMcMahon
However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching Raw gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
Three?
MMcMahon
...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
MMcMahon
And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical [referring to Kane] and the other is mental [referring to Undertaker]. Good luck to you both.
[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]
You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, you're gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]
Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker [sees Taker raising the steps] NO NO NO!! [Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! [Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain] Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
Don't move it, don't move it!
McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
[sad and concerned] How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
PPPat Patterson
[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince] ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?
NNurse
[to Mr. McMahon] It looks just fine to me. [to a doctor] How about you, doctor?
[disguising as a doctor] I'll take it from here, nurse.
NO!
[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]
MMcMahon
Get him off me! Get him off me!!
AAustin
[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt] How about your foot? [attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain] What do you think about that?
[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]
AAustin
Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- [manhandles Vince back to bed] Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!
MMcMahon
No, NOO!!
AAustin
[sets up defibrillator] Everybody clear [shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]
MMcMahon
[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip] No! No please no!! No, help me, please!
AAustin
I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! [kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly] You piece of trash!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's WWE Raw pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.