Vince McMahon quotes from WWE Raw

Vince McMahon

Well, I suppose congratulations are in order for the WCW/ECW Alliance, for their victory at Invasion. I'd like to remind The Alliance, however, that victory was but one battle. I'm confident that we here in the World Wrestling Federation will win many battles and ultimately win the war.

Jim Ross

Damn right.

However I admit the stealing of Stone Cold Steve Austin was like dropping an atomic bomb. But then again, if it's nuclear warfare you want, it's nuclear warfare you're gonna get. Because tonight, I'm gonna drop a little bomb of my own. You see tonight, I'm gonna do something I should've done a long time ago. Tonight, I'm gonna lift the suspension of a certain WWF superstar.

Michael Cole

Uh-oh.

Tonight, tonight I'm gonna reinstate a certain WWF superstar. Tonight, I'm gonna reinstate The Rock!

Cole

Yeah! All right!

Ross

Listen to that ovation for The Rock!

I know, I know that just because, just because I wanna reinstate The Rock, I know that doesn't necessarily mean The Rock will come back to the WWF and come back to action. Because if The Rock, if The Rock chooses to come back to action, he does so not because of Vince McMahon, but in spite of him. But knowing that, Rock, I've got a challenge for you, Rock. You've never backed down from a challenge before, so here goes. You know Rock, should you decide to come back to the WWF, I've gotta wonder, Rock, can you still bring it? I've gotta wonder Rock, whether you can still layeth the smackdown. And Rock can you still raise the people's eyebrow, Rock? And, and drop the People's Elbow, can you do that Rock? Rock let me ask you, Rock do you still consider yourself the people's champion? Rock are you still worthy of being called the most elecrifying man in sports entertainment today? If you are Rock, then listen to me. Listen to me damn it, Rock, I know, I know you're watching this tonight. Now wait a minute. Don't listen to me. Listen Rock, in Buffalo, New York, Rock, Rock! They're chanting your name! They're chanting your name Rock! Can you hear it Rock? Can you hear it?! Well Rock, on behalf of the millions, AND MILLIONS, of your Rock's fans, Rock come back! Come back Rock, because once again, we want to smellalalalalala, what The Rock is cookin'!

Ric Flair

The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!

Vince McMahon

What the hell are you talking about?

Ric

I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But [to Kurt Angle] Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.

Vince

So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.

Ric

You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! [takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince] The consortium was me, and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! [embraces Vince briefly]

Jerry Lawler

What?!!

Jim Ross

Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

Vince McMahon

Ever since last Monday night, the question that seems to be on everyone's mind is, is Stone Cold Steve Austin really gone? Sadly, sadly the answer to that question is yes.

Jerry Lawler

Wow.

I know, I don't like it any more than you do. The other question on everyone's mind is, one day, will Stone Cold Steve Austin be back in action in World Wrestling Entertainment?

Lawler

That's the question.

I sincerely hope so. Quite frankly, I really don't have the answer to that question and I'll tell you why. See, Austin has a lot of explaining and a lot of apologizing to do before he comes back. Austin, when he walked last Monday, it wasn't the first time he walked out on us. It happened once before, the day after WrestleMania, when Austin packed his bag without notifying anyone. He simply packed his bag and went home. He was scheduled to be on Raw just as he was scheduled last Monday. Austin stayed home for approximately two weeks claiming he was burned out. All right, you can understand being burned out. We all have been burned out from time to time, and given the enormous contributions that Austin made, and has made to our company, all was forgiven, two weeks later Austin came back to work. Nonetheless, in my mind, Austin owes an apology for walking out to every superstar in that locker room. Austin owes an apology to the company he helped build. Austin owes an apology to each and every one of you for walking out on you. I don't know if Austin's ever gonna come back to action or not. [crowd chants "Austin"]

Lawler

You can tell JR, that the fans want him back.

Last Monday, Austin was in town, he was scheduled to be on Raw as I said, and a number of us attempted to speak to him on his cell phone. He refused to take our calls until finally, after repeated attempts, Austin took one call. That was from that man right there. [points to Jim Ross] Austin's friend, Jim Ross. JR pleaded with Austin, since you're in town, don't walk, simply just come to the arena. Sit down and discuss your grievances as a man. Austin didn't do that. JR's plea fell on deaf ears. And quite frankly, Austin's actions both personally and professionally are certainly uncharacteristic of the man we all know. Nonetheless, Austin, as an adult, should and will be held accountable. We have to move on as a company without Austin. And move on we will, we have to. We have no alternative. We'll develop new stars, new matches, new concepts, even this Sunday's King of the Ring winner will automatically face the champion at SummerSlam. Austin is gone, but clearly Stone Cold will never, ever be forgotten. I know that in Austin's heart, he wishes every superstar in the locker room well. He wishes all of you well. And I know Austin wishes even the company that he helped build well. So Steve tonight, wherever you are, I'd like to say on behalf of all the superstars, some of whom are riding your coattails for the trailblazes you made, I'd like to say Steve, to you, on behalf of the company that you helped build, on behalf Steve, of every single fan that you entertained throughout the years all over the world, on behalf of all of us Steve, I would simply like to say thank you. Thank you Stone Cold. Thank you for the memories.

Vince McMahon

You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of Raw - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!

Eric Bischoff

For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

Trish! [sees Trish Stratus in a towel combing her hair]

Hey Shelton.

What are you doing here?

Oh me? I was just taking a long, hot shower. And where you off to, looking so pretty?

Monday Night Raw? I got a six-man tag match. William and Eugene need me.

But what about my needs? What about Trish?

Oh sugar. Don't worry. You'll find somebody else. I mean, you are the biggest slut on Raw.

[scoffs] You're so uptight. You need to loosen up. And I'm just toweling.

Vince McMahon

What the hell's going on here?! [sees Benjamin and Stratus and is shocked] It's a woman in a towel. I mean, this is unconscionable. Th - this is scandalous. I, I can see the, the moral fabric of America disintegrating right before my very eyes. The sexual overtones, the, the racial overtones.

Excuse me?

Well Shelton, you, you may not realize this but, you're an African-American. And everybody knows African-Americans are attracted to Canadian white women with broken noses. [Stratus adjusts her face mask] No. I'm sorry, but the FCC is not gonna tolerate this, and neither will I. I mean, I'm not gonna have a locker room full of miscreants and deviants. This is the WWE. This is NOT the NFL. And it damn sure is not the NBA. Because of this kind of sexual titillation that will send you and other professional wrestlers up into the stands to, to attack the audience! And if that would've happened, that would be the downfall of civilization as we know it.

You know what? You really need to lighten up. [walks out]

But I have a board of directors to answer to. Someone has to uphold the, the, the, the virtue. Is he gone?

Yep. [drops her towel as the "Monday Night Football" theme plays]

Oh my God. [Stratus jumps into McMahon's arms] Oh, oh yeah. Are you ready for some wrestling?

Vince McMahon

All right. Well as, as promised, as promised, [throws the microphone]

Jerry Lawler

Well, looks like the sound man is gonna be fired tonight as well! [McMahon demands a new microphone] Oh ho! [A technician hands McMahon a new microphone] You hand Mr. McMahon a microphone, you don't throw it at him!

Jonathan Coachman

You don't throw it at all.

Well as promised, last week we took out the trash! [crowd cheers] That's not some sort of bait and switch technique, not some sort of adoration. Last week, I fired Eric Bischoff's ass. And I can tell you this, Eric Bischoff is gonna stay fired. Not withstanding that, I'd like to thank Eric for his contributions and I'd like to wish he and his family a very merry Christmas.

Coachman

That's very sincere.

Lawler

He's a very warm man.

Now of course everyone's been asking me, Mr. McMahon, who's gonna be named the new general manager of Raw? I have some suggestions on that matter. Matter of fact, a number of individuals come to mind who are imminently qualified. One might be um, my daughter Stephanie McMahon.

Lawler

Whoa!

My son Shane McMahon! It might be one of those individuals, it may not be. There was some guy knocking on my door all afternoon trying to get in for an interview. The hell is his name? He wanted to be general manager, Theo Epstein. Then again, maybe not. Hell if Ted Turner wants to get quite, quote, back in the rasslin business, it could be Ted himself. It could be one of you.

Lawler

Oh!

Just ribbing, it's not gonna be one of you. I can tell you. But nonetheless, tonight, the interview process begins to determine the general manager of Raw, or I can tell you, an individual has been, has been assigned tonight to be the interim general manager for tonight, and that individual is thought of as a business icon. He's thought of as a creative genius, and one handsome virile son of a bitch.

Lawler

Uh-oh.

And that would be me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Lawler

I knew it!

So tonight, I'm gonna take up where Eric Bischoff left off when Eric named the Elimination Chamber to be the main event at New Year's Revolution. By the end of tonight, we will know every member, every individual who will qualify to be in that Elimination Chamber. Because we're gonna begin with elimination matches here tonight.

Lawler

Uh-oh.

That's gonna be great.

By the end of the night, all five individuals will have qualified to be in the chamber and face WWE Champion John Cena. And with that in mind, we will start with our very first qualifying match right now, and by the way, you will note, during this individual's entrance, you the audience, will not be censored. Thank you very much. Have a good night.

Jerry Lawler

[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side] Uh oh...

Jim Ross

Oh God...

Vince McMahon

[violently kicks the car and screams] Dammit!! [holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]

Lawler

I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!