Jim Ross[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]: Can Vince make the cover? [suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince] Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! [The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds] And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!
But whose side are they on?
JJim
They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, [Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face] and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride] ...a Last Ride! [William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind] But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, [Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker] and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. [the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal] And there's The Rock!
PPaul
But whose side is he on?!
JJim
Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! [The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom] And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! [out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin] Oh God! There's Austin!
PPaul
I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, [Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner] punishing The Rock!
JJim
Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!
PPaul
Austin just stunned The Rock!
[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]
JJim
And here comes Kurt Angle!
PPaul
Whose side is HE on?!
JJim
[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair] Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - [Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead] Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! [The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well] Oh my God! My God, what is this?! [Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair] Oh my God, don't tell me! [Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well] No! No! Kurt Angle! No!
PPaul
It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!
JJim
My God, it can't be!
PPaul
It is! It's true! It's true!
[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]
JJim
Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!
PPaul
Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!
JJim
[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]: Oh no! That son of a - [as the referee successfully counts to three] No! No, dammit! [the bell rings] Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?
Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!
PPaul
Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!
JJim
[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]: Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!
PPaul
Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!
JJim
Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!
I have a little story I'd like to tell. And Stone Cold Steve Austin, I hope you're listening. There was once a group of extraordinarily talented guys, who had a chance to make history. Had a chance to win it all. But it all got put in jeopardy due to infighting, backstabbing, and lack of leadership. What was once a group that had everything, became now, a bunch of losers with nothing. Of course I'm talking about the 2001 Boston Red Sox. Oh it's true!
And Austin, when you stunned me last week on SmackDown!, it was the same as Pedro Martinez and Nomar refusing to play with their so-called "injuries". [crowd boos] And this Sunday, The Alliance has the chance to win it all at Survivor Series. And Austin, we better, because when the Boston Red Sox loses each year like they do, big deal! Because they always have next year to screw it up again! Well Austin, there is no next year for us. There is no tomorrow. If we don't win this Sunday, it's over! And I'm not ready for my hall of fame career to end. So Austin, I want you to come out here right now, [to a fan] Shut up! I want you to come out here right now and I want you to apologize for stunning me last week! And I'm not going anywhere until you do.
Jim Ross
Kurt Angle calling out Stone Cold Steve Austin, another member of Team Alliance. [Edge's music hits] Wait a minute, that's not Stone Cold's music, Paul.
No, Stone Cold hates Rob Zombie. [Edge comes out]
Ross
Here comes Edge. Edge, not Stone Cold.
What the hell is Edge doing here?
Ross
I have no earthly idea. Apparently we're about to find out. It was Angle who was wanting Austin out here, demanding an apology. Instead, here's Edge.
I'm not Austin, and I'm definitely not here to apologize. Kurt, I'm here to tell you one thing. You're a selfish bastard! [crowd cheers]
Ross
Wow.
You had it all. You had the respect and support of all of these people, your peers, and this entire country. And you threw that all away because deep down inside, you're a red, white and blue, but most importantly, yellow coward!
What the hell are you talking about?!
Oh you know what I'm talking about! And on behalf of the entire WWF locker room, which you abandoned, I wanna challenge you for that U.S. title. Not tomorrow, not later on tonight, but right now.
Ross
Edge has thrown down the gauntlet.
Hold on a second! You want a title shot from me right now? I taught you everything you know, you ungrateful snot-nosed bastard! If you want this title, [puts the WCW United States Championship down] you come get it.
[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]
The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!
What the hell are you talking about?
I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But [to Kurt Angle] Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.
So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.
You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! [takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince] The consortium was me, and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! [embraces Vince briefly]
Jim Ross
Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?
Well Edge, first of all, congratulations on defeating William Regal last night at Vengeance. And if you don't mind me saying, you totally reeked of awesomeness.
Thanks Coach, but I can't take anything away from Regal. He's tough, and he brought it last night. He almost escaped with my Intercontinental Championship. But you know what? He didn't. And I have a message for Mr. William Regal. [mock English accent] You don't have one of these to hold up your trousers, do ya? Have you kissed any bums lately? You bum kisser! You cheeky monkey! [makes kissing sounds, then William Regal knocks Edge out from behind]
Jim Ross
Oh wait! Regal, God!
WRWilliam Regal
Not so bloody funny now, are you?
Ross
With the brass knucks! Regal just cheap shotted Edge with the brass knucks!
What? What? What? What? Y2J is the undisputed champion? Y2J was declared the winner at Vengeance? Vince McMahon and Booker T screws Stone Cold? Vince and Booker T screws Stone Cold? I said Vince McMahon and Booker T screws Stone Cold? After last night, I sat there and I thought about it and I said, "Stone Cold, there's no use in sitting there crying, whining, pissing, moaning." So I asked myself, I said, "Stone Cold, do you want Y2J or do you want Booker T?" So while I was trying to make that decision, I drove over to the Sonic Drive-In, ordered a jalapeno burger, a chicken-fried steak sandwich, a chili cheese dog with extra onions, french fries, tater tots, washed it down with one beer, two beers, three beers, a shot of whiskey, a margarita, and a Bloody Mary, and I said, "Stone Cold, why have one when you can have them both?" Booker T, you show up tonight with Vince McMahon and you got security guards. You got your guard dogs. You got your pepper spray. So you can sit up there in your stupid little skybox and you can watch Stone Cold Steve Austin kick the crap out of Y2J in a steel cage. Y2J, you said you're calling Stone Cold a little trooper? Tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin, I ain't gonna be no little trooper, and since we're right here in Anaheim, California, Hollywood is right there in the road. So tonight, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna make you a star. No, he's gonna make you a superstar. No, just like you said, he's gonna make you a super-duper star because you're gonna get the starring role in the movie I'm directing, and the name of that movie is, "My Name is Chris Jericho, and I'm Getting My Ass Whipped in a Steel Cage." And when it's all said and done, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna take his undisputed championships and walk out of this ring. And that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so.
[Big Show and Stone Cold Steve Austin are facing Scott Hall and X-Pac in a tag team match]
Jim Ross
Austin's gotta make the tag. He's close to the Big Show. [Austin tags in Big Show]
Ross
Austin makes the tag. The Big Show gets the tag, and here he comes. And look at the nWo, they want no part of... [Big Show pulls down the straps from his singlet as Hall and X-Pac get on their knees]
Oh no! [Big Show suddenly grabs Austin by the throat]
Ross
Hey, wait a minute!
Ross
What the hell?! What the hell is this?! Oh my God! [Big Show lifts Austin in the air for a chokeslam]
Ross
My God, the 500-pounder! Big Show... [Big Show chokeslams Austin]
Ross
The big bastard just chokeslammed Austin all the way to hell!
His own partner! [Big Show raises hands with Hall and X-Pac, signifying he has joined the nWo] Look at this!
Ross
What the hell is this?! My God, has the Big Show joined the nWo?! My God the Big Show!
I can't believe what I'm seeing, but JR, I think you're right!
Ross
What a no good bastard, the Big Show chokeslamming Austin! My God I cannot, can you imagine what this means?!
Yeah you got that right, oh my!
Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the old rasslin' show, look who's back in town! The boys who were rebels before being a rebel was cool, D-Generation X!
With that said, [crowd chants "DX"]
Oh here we go! That didn't take long did it?
Jim Ross
Not long at all.
These people remember DX!
You damn right. ARE YOU READY? [crowd cheers]
Ross
I don't know if we are or not, but we better get ready.
They're ready! I don't know if Eric Bischoff is ready.
Then, for the thousands in attendance, and for the millions watching at home, LET'S GET READY TO SUCK IT!
Oh ho ho there it is! [Triple H suddenly kicks Michaels in the gut]
Ross
Hey wait a minute!
Ross
What the hell?! [Triple H pedigrees Michaels] No!
Ross
Triple H with a Pedigree on Shawn Michaels! Good God almighty!
Ross
What the hell is this about?!
What is this about, look at this!
Ross
Shawn Michaels has not been in the ring in four years, he is, he, what the hell is this about?!
And I love each and every one of you people too. [crowd boos]
Jim Ross
He really means it folks.
Ross
Yep.
Hey hey hey hey hey. But tonight, Big Show's going to find out what happens when you lay your hands on Eric Bischoff. And at Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon is going to find out what happens when you try to out-promote Eric Bischoff. Now make no mistake about it, that Hell in a Cell match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, it was a spectacle.
Ross
Great.
No, it was a bloodbath. No mistake about it. But it is going to pale in comparison to the match that I have in mind. You see, at Survivor Series, you're going to witness an ingenious creation. One that could only come from the mind of Eric Bischoff.
Oh boy! This'll be good. [camera shows a sign that reads "ERIC BISCHOFF SUCKS"] Hey.
At Survivor Series, you will bear witness to the Elimination Chamber.
Ross
What the hell is that?
Sounds scary. Look at that look.
Jim Ross
Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw here in Knoxville. Raw general manager Eric Bischoff, chief of staff Chief Morley already in the ring.
What are these guys doing out here?
CMChief Morley
At this time, Mr. Eric Bischoff and I, Chief Morley, are out here to address two men. Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the Titantron. [Shawn Michaels appears on the Titantron] The first man we would like to introduce is the World Champion, Shawn Michaels. [crowd cheers] The other is the challenger to the World title, Triple H. [Triple H appears on the Titantron and the crowd boos] Mr. Bischoff.
Thank you, chief. You know, Shawn, Hunter, after everything that you two have been through, it's clear to me that your World title match at Armageddon cannot be just a regular match. Absolutely not. Which is why I, Eric Bischoff, have decided that your World title match at Armageddon will be two out of three falls. And that's just the beginning. You see, you two have so much history together, that I've devised a way to encapsulate everything that you've been through. And here's how it's going to work. The first fall, just like your match at SummerSlam, is going to be a street fight.
MMorley
The second fall, just like your match at Survivor Series, will take place inside a steel cage.
Ross
Wow.
Oh. And if it goes to a third fall, well then Hunter, you're gonna have a chance to compete in a match that Shawn Michaels made famous. A ladder match!
Ross
Wow.
You see, this issue between you two is coming to an end at Armageddon. And with Armageddon less than a week away, Shawn, Hunter, the end is near.
Ross
What, man I'll tell you what King, that is no truer statement I don't think can be spoken regarding the end is near. Can you imagine this Sunday at Armageddon in Fort Lauderdale, on pay-per-view, a best two out of three fall match. The first fall, just at SummerSlam, a street fight. The second fall, inside a steel cage. And what about that third fall if necessary?
Well, if necessary. as he said. The fall is gonna consist of a match that Shawn Michaels made famous, a ladder match.
[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]
Jim Ross
Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
GGoldust
Question is, after last week's beating, how are you feeling, JR?
JJim
Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
GGoldust
Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
JJim
Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that "good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right". Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
GGoldust
There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being "right". As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - [twitching] ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
GGoldust
Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
JJim
Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
GGoldust
Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
JJim
If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
Goldust [staring into the camera]: Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will never forget the name of - [inhales] - Goldust. [chomps]
Jim Ross
Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
Ross
That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!
Now Shane, I know you're here, but don't come out. For once in your life, just listen, because I think that you will find what I'm about to say very interesting. Shane, this all started with your mother. She thought she could stop me. She thought she could control me. Just like everybody else throughout my life thought they could control me. But Linda found out differently when I grabbed her by the throat, and I looked into her eyes, and I saw pure fear. And then I hoisted her up on my shoulder, and she squirmed! She squirmed to get free, she SQUIRMED FOR HER VERY LIFE! And then she started to whimper and begged, no, no, no. But I learned a long time ago, that no really means yes.
Jim Ross
No means yes?
So, I drove her head into that steel, and I felt her body go limp as her vertebrae compressed and yet, FELT GOOD. 'Cause you see, inflicting pain turns me on. So now, you think you're gonna stop me Shane. A burning dumpster didn't stop me. Crashing me into a tractor trailer didn't stop me. Don't you get it? There is nothing that can stop me. But I'll give you one last chance. That last chance is at Survivor Series. But Shane, you won't stop me either, because there is nothing that I won't do to you. There is nothing I won't do to anybody. There is no line that I will not cross. There is no amount of suffering which I will not inflict in order for you to feel my pain. I won't hesitate to reach inside your guts to rip out your intestines, AND THEN TO JAM THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT! Shane, Survivor Series will be the end for you! But your pain, your pain has just begun.
It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.
Jim Ross
Oh my god!
AAustin
Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!
[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]
Jim Ross
Hey wait, what the hell?!
What? [Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin] Oh my god!
Ross
My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!
Ross
[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders] Stone Cold up!
Ross
Lesnar! [Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin] Brock Lesnar from SmackDown! just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not SmackDown!, this is Raw!
What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!
Ross
What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!
[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]
That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. [Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]
Well. look out! He's loose!
Jim Ross
Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.
Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!
ENOUGH!! [everybody stops] At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!
Ross
Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!
[Jim Ross brings together Triple H and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]
Jim Ross
Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives.
[on commentary as Triple H and Shawn get closer and JR distances] I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn [Shawn reaches out] You think this should happen? [Triple H moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]
WWE Raw · 371 quotes
