Jesse Ventura quotes from WrestleMania

[during the invitational battle royal] Dr. Frank Jobe would have a picnic at this thing.

Hey, Uecker, know something?

Yeah, what?

With your lifetime batting average of .200, that means with every swing, you could only hit one guy out of five.

[After Ken Patera eliminated Nikolai Volkoff, he gets Boris Zhukoff out as well] Hey U.S.A is in! Yes sir!

[Bad News Brown eliminates Patera from behind] Yeah there went U.S.A., Uecker.

You know what'd be unique that just came to mind to me, Gorilla? Let's say if DiBiase advances here, and let's say Andre beats Hogan, that means that DiBiase and Andre would face each other...correct?

Not necessarily—if DiBiase's victorious here, he has to meet the winner of the Muraco/Bravo match.

Right, but let's just say that DiBiase wins twice, it could end up Andre/DiBiase; what will happen?

Well, money will talk, I think, Jess.

You think Andre'd step aside, or will DiBiase step aside and let Andre go forward, feeling he's the unbeatable man?

Well, it's possible, but he tried that before, and he knows that he can't get the belt without beating the champion.

What was your biggest weight that you wrestled at?

440. Superheavyweight.

440. The heck did you eat when you weighed 440?

Just about everything...

I know, you were on a see-food diet, right? You ate everything you saw.

It takes a man-and-a-half to do that.

What, to sit out there and pose?

Biggest tag team in professional wrestling today, bar none.

Well, I won't argue with that unless you've got a double, Gorilla.

Million dollar champion? Who did he beat?

I know who he beat. He beat the banker.

If you make a mistake in this league, it'll cost you the match.

But not the Million Dollar Belt.

No, definitely not, because the guy wouldn't put it up.

Yeah, but you know, you think about it Gorilla, what is Brutus putting up for collateral?

His reputation.

Aw, that's worth about two cents.

[on the Bushwhackers' walk to the ring] Gorilla, I noticed you the other night walking through the casino looking like that.

Me?! Walking through it looking like that?

Walking like that. Why is that?

Was I? Well, sometimes it happens. You know, you get caught...

Were you hittin' the joy juice, Gorilla?

No, absolutely not.

You know what that does to animals.

Yeah, no, I never partake.

Here's two guys that look like they're on the joy juice. Some kind of juice.

I tell you what, in your day, Jess, they would've been tough for anybody because they're so unorthodox.

What do you mean, in my day? When was I around, when Henry Ford built his first car?

No, but you were around when I was still in the squared circle and I've retired.

No, no, no!

You don't think so. I remember it quite well.

Look at this, they got poor Jimmy's coat, and these guys'd probably eat it. They probably didn't get enough to eat at brunch.

You got to give Mr. Fuji credit. He ran that 5K run in a tux too.

Boy, has he got you to be a believer! He wasn't even sweating in the end! He obviously got onto one of those pushcarts on the boardwalk and had someone push him around for 2 3/4 miles.

I can't believe the jealousy in you Monsoon. Fuji's out there training while you're throwing dice.

Ladies and gentleman, as a very special attraction of WrestleMania V, it is now time for Piper's Pit!

Oh, I'm gonna like this.

Without any further ado, let me introduce to you a man who needs no introduction. A man who hosts his very own talk show named after him. A man who thru thick and thin has never backed down from anyone. A man who pulls no punches and does things his way. A man who when you say 'Rowdy', there's only one....Ladies and gentlemen...

Oh there's the bagpipes.

Well, it's been a long time since we've seen the Rowdy one Gorilla.

I can't wait to get a look at him. {The curtain rises, but instead of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brother Love appears. Wait a minute!

Ha ha!

That's not Piper.

That's Brother Love.

What's he doing with a kilt on? Come on.

Boy Gorilla, did you get taken for a ride on that one?

What is this, some kind of a joke or what?

Fooled you. Fooled Howard Finkel. Fooled everybody.

Take a look at those legs. Are we saying at this particular time that the Rowdy one is not gonna make an appearance?

I don't know. But he got scared of Brother Love.

I doubt that very much.

Well, where would Brother Love get that kilt from?

The same place he gets all those rings from.

Piper may be laying in the back beaten up by Brother Love.

Highly unlikely.

And on top of that, with no pants.

Aw please.

Or I should say no skirt.

I'm sure we'll find out very shortly what's going on obviously a change in the order of events as to who is supposed to come out first.

Apparently, it's no longer gonna be a pit. It's gonna be the Brother Love Show.

I...love...you...

He's talking to you Gorilla.

Yeah, well the feeling isn't mutual.

And welcome to the Brother Love show. And as my special guest, I have a very special guest. His name is Brother Rodney....Piper. [Brother Love sits down on one of the stools and continues] Brother Rodney, welcome to the Brother Love show. [Brother Love takes off his glasses, gets up and sits in the stool seated right next to him.]

He's not playing with a full deck.

Look.

[impersonating Rowdy Roddy Piper] Oh gosh Brother Love. You know, I gotta tell ya, it's a pleasure to be on your show. I watch ya every single week. Your on TV. Ya know, I love your show. I love it when ya say I love you just as much as you say you love me. I love it. I'm in awe.

Hey, not bad.

No Holds Barred. Holy mackerel! Jesse, I believe the Hulkster's invading your territory.

[outraged] How dare him step into Hollywood, Gorilla Monsoon! Let me tell you something, Hulk Hogan. Hollywood is my domain. But I can see why you're doing it. You're doing it, Hogan, because you're going to lose to the Macho Man! And when you lose to him, you're going to have no job Hulk Hogan! So you're going to have to come out to Hollywood? Try to invade my territory? It ain't big enough for the both of us Hogan! But if you want to come out, I'll give Hogan a job in Hollywood, HE CAN DRIVE MY LIMO!!

Completely bent out of shape, Jesse Ventura. Talking about people infringing on his territory. Merely, the Hulkster's gone out and made a movie, the name of it, No Holds Barred. Boy, we've seen plenty of action so far here in Wrestlemania V. Of course, Demolition retaining their World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Championship belts and did it in a really good fashion, putting away Mr. Fuji. [Jesse returns] You're having second thoughts? It was very unprofessional of you, Jess, to just storm out of here like that.

I'm a professional, Monsoon. They're paying me big money to be here. I'll earn it and don't you give me no hard time. I've had enough for now!

C'mon Gorilla, quit playing such favorites out here. Announcing...

If the shoe fits, put it on that's what I say, Jess.

I used to like broadcasting with you. You're getting worse than McMahon.

I am?

[on Sensational Sherri] She's comparing herself to Miss Elizabeth? Give me a break. The two shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence.

One's a woman, and one's a girl.

I had a manager in 1981, Classy Freddie Blassie.

Yeah, he took your career straight down the toilet.