Venus Flytrap quotes from WKRP in Cincinnati

Venus

Aw, come on, man, you're not going anywhere, you know that. You've chosen to be here, my man. Yeah. You gave up an opportunity to be boy wonder of American radio to be the head guard at the nut farm.

Andy

That's ridiculous.

Venus

Oh, yeah? Think about it.

Andy

Ah, Venus. Well, man, I do like it here. I like it here better than any place I've ever worked. Let me ask you a question. Am I the guard or one of the nuts?

Venus

I think you're a guard. On the way to becoming a nut.

Johnny

Any signs of senility?

It's all around, Venus.

Venus

I'm Venus.

Then who's he?

Venus

That's Johnny.

The black guy?

Venus

No, I'm the black guy.

Oh, excuse me.

Johnny

[singing Peggy Sue by Buddy Holly with a hospital mask on his face until he notices Venus entering the room] Hi.

Venus

Hi.

Johnny

How's it goin', Trap?

Venus

I'm lost.

Johnny

So am I, but I don't care.

Johnny

You used to be a good disk jockey, man. 'Course, that was when you were black.

Venus

You want to be Acting Program Director? You want to argue about something you don't care about with someone you agree with?

Johnny

Do you understand what you just said?

Venus

Not a word.

Venus

I think there are only two things anybody cares about in this world. One, survival, and two, conquest.

What about sex?

Venus

That's part of survival.

Johnny

Well?

Venus

Well what?

Johnny

Well, go back in there and get the albums.

Venus

Need I remind you that the police are going to search every inch of this station, including your desk drawer?

Johnny

I'll go get those albums.

Johnny

[after hearing the sirens] It's the phone cops. They know what I did here today.

Venus

What are you talking about?

Johnny

They're coming to get me, man!

Venus

That's paranoia, man!

Johnny

Wake up, sucker, this is the phone company we're talking about! They see everything, they know everything, they got their own covert police force! I'm probably wired for sound right now! I gotta get out of here!

Venus

Johnny!

Johnny

Don't use my name!!

Les

Johnny! Venus! You're alive!

Johnny

The newsman's eye. You just can't fool it.

Les

Well, that's wonderful.

Venus

Gee thanks, Les.

Les

Of course, I'll have to update my story. How'd you like it, Andy?

Andy

How'd I like what, Les?

Les

My four o'clock news report. Didn't you listen?

Andy

Les, the transmitter blew up!

Les

Of course! That was my lead!

Johnny

You led off the newscast by telling them that we're off the air?

Les

No. But I can include that in my update.

Venus

Andy's dating Mrs Carlson!

Andy

Don't tell anybody!

Venus

Andy's not dating Mrs Carlson!

Johnny

Which one, his wife or his mother?

Andy

His mother. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Johnny

Gee, Travis, I don't know!

Venus

Andy, real speed is gone because it killed everybody. Junkies don't even want it back!

Johnny

And once the Republicans got in, everyone just switched to downers!

Herb

Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.

Venus

Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.

Herb

I wasn't trying to hide anything!

Andy

Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.

Venus

Human.

Herb

Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?

Venus

Where'd you get that speech?

Herb

Read it on a T-Shirt.

Bailey

Have you noticed that you can't tell what color someone is over the phone?

Venus

I guess not.

Bailey

That's right! Stereotype thinking! I mean, when I heard Black Life Magazine, I was expecting him to be like "Hey, little momma, you tell the dude I'll be here at fo'." But he didn't. He sounded just like you!

Venus

What does she mean "just like me?" I'm black, I'm from the street, I can say "fo'!"

Johnny

That's right, Kingfish. You is, and you does. But the problem is, you sound neutral.

Venus

Neutral. You mean 'white.'

Johnny

Well, don't worry, pal. I've heard you say "upside your head," things like that. Don't worry, you can pass for black.

Venus

I don't want to "pass for black," I want to be black! What the hell am I saying?

Les

The phones are dead! The phones are dead!

Venus

Not now, Les!

Les

Well, shouldn't we call somebody?

Venus

Couldn't I have a cosmic name for a boy, like Pluto!

Andy

That's a dog's name.

Venus

Mercury.

Andy

That guy brings flowers. Now listen. What do you think of when you hear the name "Venus?"

Venus

Flytrap.

Johnny

Here's how we do it. We go into the supermarket. [to Bailey] You create a ruckus in the produce section. [to Venus] You grab the poster, slip it under your jacket, we're out the door!

Bailey

What kind of ruckus?

Johnny

I don't know, uh, something with mangoes.

Bailey

Mangoes?

Andy

[entering] Hey, Venus, don't worry about the posters; they'll be out of the supermarkets by tomorrow.

Venus

Thank goodness.

Bailey

Oh, too bad. I was just getting a mental picture of me and those mangoes.

Johnny

Yeah...?