Weeds quotes

122 total quotes



All Seasons  Season 1   Season 3  
Season 4
  Season 5  



Maria (Mermex): He is a terrible man.
Andy Botwin: What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.
Maria (Mermex): He is a criminal.
Andy Botwin: He's an accountant.
Maria (Mermex): A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.
Andy Botwin: A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.
Maria (Mermex): He has warts on his genitals.
Andy Botwin: Yeah, I got nothing to that.

Minute-Man Leader: [about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.
Andy Botwin: "Give you one"?! These are people!
Doug Wilson: Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]
Minute-Man Leader: [to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]

(Doug walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Is that her pimp?
Shane Botwin: My mom is not a prostitute!
Lenny Botwin: Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: A Costco?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: Is she a coke dealer?
Shane Botwin: Um...no.
(Doug walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Weed!Your mothers a weed dealer!!
Shane Botwin: Give me back her money.

[after Doug doesn't care he accidentally stepped on a sand castle]
Kid: You're a bad man.
Doug Wilson: You're a bad castle builder.

[after Maria (Mermex) doesn't want to have sex with him]
Doug Wilson: It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.
Andy Botwin: It's been one day.
Doug Wilson: And a half.

[to the drug rehab secretary about not having insurance]
Celia Hodes: Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...
Drug rehab secretary: I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.

[while in the back of the van discussing pulling the plug on Bubbe}
Silas Botwin: Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.
Andy Botwin: Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah...