[after Maria (Mermex) doesn't want to have sex with him]
It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.
It's been one day.
And a half.
S4 E11Head Cheese
[about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.
How do I do that?
You talk to her.
Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?
About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.
She's an orphan?
Yeah.
Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.
[after Doug doesn't care he accidentally stepped on a sand castle]
KKid
You're a bad man.
You're a bad castle builder.
[to her drug rehab group] We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.
DRDrug rehab secretary
We ran your insurance info a few times, and it's not exactly accurate.
What seems to be the problem?
DRDrug rehab secretary
You don't have any. The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...and Korean.
[to the drug rehab secretary about not having insurance]
Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...
DRDrug rehab secretary
I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.
MMaria (Mermex)
He is a terrible man.
What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.
MMaria (Mermex)
He is a criminal.
He's an accountant.
MMaria (Mermex)
A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.
A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.
MMaria (Mermex)
He has warts on his genitals.
Yeah, I got nothing to that.
S4 E12Till We Meet Again
I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.
DRDrug rehab's group counselor
[after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.
MMaria (Mermex)
[grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.
No, no. It's just windy out.
MMaria (Mermex)
I do not think it is the wind.
[trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down] Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!
As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?
[after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.
MMaria (Mermex)
[to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.
[to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Weeds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.