WandaVision · Season 1
This isn't a missing person's case, Captain Rambeau, it's a missing town. Population 3,892.
Why haven't you gone inside to investigate?
'Cause it doesn't want me to. You can feel it, too, can't you? [They both look down the road at the Westview outskirts] Nobody's supposed to go in.
FBI, Army. I saw the Air Force Office of Special Investigations out there. Research Lab. Space Command, too. A bona fide joint multi-service response. Really looking forward to the commemorative T-shirt.
We don't know enough about the nature of the threat to send in another agent when the first is yet to return.
Someone must really miss you back at Quantico.
[snidely] No, sir. Softball season's over, sir.
[regarding the WandaVision broadcast] Is it authentic?
I'm not sure how to answer that.
Is it happening in real time? Is it recorded, fabricated?
I don't know. I don't know. And I don't know.
What do you know?
My equipment registered an extremely high level of CMBR. That's...
Relic radiation dating back to the Big Bang.
Yeah. Entwined was a broadcast frequency. So I had your goons pick me up a sweet vintage TV. And when I plug this bad boy in, voilà, sound and picture.
So you're saying the universe created a sitcom starring two Avengers?
It's a working theory.
[Jimmy and Darcy are watching WandaVision episode 3 as Wanda gives birth.]
[emotional] Twins. What a twist. [off Jimmy's look] What? I'm invested. [sniffles]
[Monica has broken character in front of Wanda by mentioning Pietro's death]
Who are you?
[slipping out of character] I...don't remember. [Wanda steps menacingly towards Monica]
[in a harsh whisper] Who...are you?
[forces a smile] Wanda, I'm just your neighbor.
Then how could you know about Ultron? [she conjures telekinetic energy in both of her hands] You're not my neighbor. And you're definitely not my friend. You are a stranger. An outsider. And right now, you are trespassing here. And I want you to leave. [she throws a bolt of energy at Monica, who is thrown backwards through the wall, two fences, and the Hex barrier]
[trying to comfort a crying baby Tommy] Please, sweet Tommy, don't you wanna sleep? Mommy wants to sleep. If you go to sleep, I promise, you will be my favorite twin!
[coming down the stairs with a crying baby Billy] Oh, come on now, darling. You know we love them both equally.
Well, don't tell him that! [Vision chuckles] No luck with Billy?
Tried reading to him, but for some reason, Charles Darwin's The Descent of Man made him cry even harder.
[Wanda finds Tommy and Billy in the kitchen, where they're giving Sparky a makeshift bath in the sink]
You know, I don't miss the crying, but jeez Louise, did you have to learn to walk? You two never stay put. [Wanda narrows her eyes at the twins, suspicious at how still they're standing] ...Unless you're "innocently" forming a human wall in front of the kitchen sink. [The dog sneezes] Bless you!
Thank you. [the dog barks]
Now tell me, which one of you just barked? Scoot! [The boys step off the stools, and Wanda notices the dog] Oh, boy! Waiter, what's this canine doing in my kitchen sink?
The doggy paddle?
Can we keep him, Mommy?
Well, I'm sure his owners miss him very much. Come on. [lifting the dog out of the sink] Huh, there really is no collar.
Can we keep him? He was outside, crying, alone.
Now boys, taking care of a living thing is a big responsibility. Dogs need food, exercise, training ...[slips into baby talk] belly rubs, and cuddles, and kisses between his little ears!
[SWORD has sent a drone in to talk to Wanda]
Wanda, this is Captain Monica Rambeau. Can you hear me? [Wanda glares up at the drone] I just want to talk. That's it. [As she watches, Wanda's eyes glow a bright red]
No joy.
Uh...my controls aren't working. Reconnect patch!
[to another agent] Disregard. Take the shot.
What? No, the drone isn't armed.
Take the shot!
[The drone operator fires the missile. Just as quickly, the feed goes dead]
[rips off her headset; to Hayward] What did you do?!
[An alarm goes off]
There's a breach, sir!
[Everyone piles out of the room, gets into their cars, and drives to the spot of the breach. After several seconds of waiting, the Hex barrier flickers a few times. Wanda emerges, dragging the drone behind her as she marches towards the S.W.O.R.D. agents]
Is this yours?! [Wanda tosses the drone at Hayward's feet]
The missile was just a precaution. You can hardly blame us, Wanda.
Oh, I think I can. This will be your only warning: Stay out of my home. You don't bother me, I won't bother you.
I wish it could be that simple. You've taken an entire town hostage.
I'm not the one with the guns, Director!
But you are the one in control.
[irritated] You're still here. [Wanda conjures a ball of energy in her right hand]
Wanda, I didn't know the drones were armed. But you know that, don't you? A town full of civilians and you, a telepath, brought a S.W.O.R.D. agent into your home. You trusted me to help deliver your babies! On some level, Wanda, you know I am an ally. I want to help you.
How? What could you possibly have to offer me?
What do you want?
I have what I want. [glares at Hayward] And no one will ever take it from me, again.
[about the boys' grief over Sparky's death] The urge to run from this feeling is powerful. I know.
It's too sad.
You can fix anything, Mom. Fix the dead.
[shocked] What?.... no.
[amazed] You can do that?
I am trying to tell you... that there are rules in life, okay? We can't rush aging just because it's convenient. [chuckles] And we can't reverse death. No matter how sad it makes us. Okay? Some things are forever.
[Vision decides to confront Wanda about what happened to him at work]
I spoke with Norm.
...Oh?
I unearthed the man's suppressed personality and I spoke to him free of your oversight. He was in pain, Wanda.
Vision... [chuckles lightly] Listen, can we just--
What? Watch TV? Turn in for the night so you can change everything over again? No, Wanda. You can't control me the way you do them.
[meaningfully] ...Can't I? [walks out of the room as the credits start to roll] I'm going to bed!
No! We're not done here! [Wanda stops in her tracks] What is the Maximoff Anomaly?
The what?
I have to believe that this [gestures to the closing credits scrolling across the screen], whatever this is, was subconscious at first, and that you only recently became aware of it.
Aware of...what? [Wanda exits into the other room. Vision follows her, shifting back to his synthezoid form. The credits glitch out]
[angrily] Norm has a FAMILY, Wanda! He has a family and he can’t reach them because YOU WON'T LET HIM REACH THEM!
I don't know what you're talking about!
[levitates into the air] STOP LYING TO ME!!!
[levitates to match Vision] This! All of this is for us. So let me handle it!
[angered] What is outside of Westview?!
You don't want to know, I promise you!
YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR ME, WANDA!
[distressed] You've never talked to me like this before! [lowers herself back to the floor]
Before what!? Before WHAT!? I can't remember my life before Westview! I don't know who I am! I'm scared!
[fighting back tears] You are my husband. You're Tommy and Billy's father. Isn't that enough? [Vision lowers himself to the floor, allowing Wanda to take his hands in hers]
[glances out the window] ...Wanda, why are there no other children in Westview?
[scoffs] Oh, god! There are! Just stop it!
No, no. The playground stands empty every morning I walk to work. Why? Tell me, why-
[exasperated] Do you really think that I am controlling everything?! That I-I am somehow in charge of everybody in Westview?! I'm walking their dogs, mowing their lawns, getting them to dentist appointments on time?! I mean, I...[scoffs]...I don't know how any of this started in the first place!
Wanda, what you're doing here, it's wrong.
I...
It is wrong. [the doorbell rings]
I didn't do that. I...[seeing his look] You don't believe me.
Wanda, I want to, but at this point, I'm ignoring statistics entirely.
Long lost bro get to squeeze his stinkin' sister to death or what?
Well, you have fun tonight, darling.
What? What do you mean? You're all dressed and ready to go.
I'm undercover. Halloween is a bacchanal for adolescent trouble-makers, and the neighborhood watch is the only thing standing between the trees and the toilet paper.
Where do you keep your water balloons?
What? We don't have water balloons.
Well where are we gonna put all the shaving cream?
Oh?
It was Billy's idea!
I'm Tommy!
And don't you forget it!
Are you old Red Riding Hood?
I'm a Sokovian fortune teller.
Wow. That is so...
Rad!
...Lame.
Lame.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's WandaVision pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
