Wanda Maximoff quotes from WandaVision

Wanda Maximoff

Look, we've all been there, right? Letting our fear and anger get the best of us? Intentionally expanding the borders of the false world we created... [cut to fleeing S.W.O.R.D agents being swallowed up by the expanding Hex, filmed in mockumentary style with percussive heavy music]

Vision

My wife and her flying saucers.

Wanda Maximoff

My husband and his indestructible head.

Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn't. So, what's your name? Where are you from? And most importantly, how's your bridge game, hon?

Wanda Maximoff

I'm Wanda.

Wanda. Charmed. Golly, you settled in fast! Did you use a moving company?

Wanda Maximoff

I sure did. Those boxes don't move themselves!

So what's a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?

Wanda Maximoff

Oh, no, I'm not single.

Oh, I don't see a ring.

Wanda Maximoff

Well, I assure you, I'm married. To a man. A human one and tall.

Wanda Maximoff

We are an unusual couple, you know?

Vision

Oh, I don't think that was ever in question.

Vision

I do. Do you?

Wanda Maximoff

Yes. I do.

Vision

And they lived happily ever after.

Vision

[practicing a talent-show magic act] Wanda, you're not at all worried that the audience might just see through this little charade?

Wanda Maximoff

Well, that's the whole point! In a real magic act, everything is fake! Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season, and it's our neighborly duty to participate. Plus, it's our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.

Vision

[pointing to his android face] Well, I don't think that should be a problem.

Wanda Maximoff

This is our home now. I want us to fit in.

Vision

Hello, Westview! Good afternoon. It's so lovely to be ...[bumping into a handrail] I'm so sorry. Excuse me. I am Glamour, and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion.

Wanda Maximoff

I am Glamour and he's Illusion.

Vision

Yeah, what she said. Today, we will lie to you, and yet you will believe our little deceptions because human beings are easily fooled due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe.

We let the little ladies keep tabs on their growing babies with fruit. Makes it simple for them. [Wanda grimaces at the sexism] At four months, the fetus is about as big as a pear. At five months, a papaya. Six, grapefruit. Seven, pineapple. Eight, honeydew.

Vision

Hypothetically speaking, what size fruit would it be at, say, hmm, twelve hours?

[confused] Uh, pardon? Twelve hours?

Wanda Maximoff

[brightly] Well, I think this line of questioning is 'fruitless'. [chuckles]

Vision

Huh. Strangest thing just happened outside with... [turns to see Wanda's bump has grown larger] Whoa, Nelly! Have you gotten bigger?!

Wanda Maximoff

Have I?

Wanda Maximoff

[continuing, looking down] I can't tell from this angle.

Vision

I can't wait... [chuckles] ...to be a proud papa-ya.

Vision

Well, if that was the first kick, that puts you at about... six months! Boy, oh, boy, I thought I had superspeed. I can't keep up! [baby talk] Please don't misinterpret; I can't wait to meet you, little Billy.

Wanda Maximoff

"Billy"?

Vision

Yeah.

Wanda Maximoff

Well, I was thinking "Tommy". Just a nice, classic, all-American name.

Vision

Hmm, "Tommy". Hmm, yeah. Yeah. Then there's "Billy", isn't there? Named after William Shakespeare. "All the world's a stage. All the men and women merely players."

Wanda Maximoff

Well, I guess there's only one solution to this debate. Hope for a girl.

Vision

Well, we ought to decide soon. I estimate the baby's due... it's not a constant progression, assumingly logarithmic, but were I to graph the fetal development thus far...

Wanda Maximoff

He's gonna be here before you figure it out.

Can you believe it? Twins! Hi.

Wanda Maximoff

...I'm a twin. [forlornly] I had a brother. His name was...Pietro.

[confused] He was killed by Ultron, wasn't he?

Wanda Maximoff

...What did you say? Just now? [a single tear rolls down Wanda's face]

I said...Wanda, you're such a strong lady. Should I say it one more time, for good measure?

Wanda Maximoff

No. What did you say about Pietro?

Pietro? [thinks] Hey, I'll take a shift rocking the babies-

Wanda Maximoff

No, I think you should leave.

Oh Wanda, don't be like that!

Wanda Maximoff

What is that?

What?

Wanda Maximoff

[gestures to the pendant] That symbol.

I [stammers], I—

Wanda Maximoff

Who are you?

[Softly, barely audible] I don't remember

Wanda Maximoff

[Aggressively] Who are you?

Wanda... I...I... Wanda.

Wanda Maximoff

Who are you?

Monica Rambeau

[slipping out of character] I...don't remember. [Wanda steps menacingly towards Monica]

Wanda Maximoff

[in a harsh whisper] Who...are you?

Monica Rambeau

[forces a smile] Wanda, I'm just your neighbor.

Wanda Maximoff

Then how could you know about Ultron? [she conjures telekinetic energy in both of her hands] You're not my neighbor. And you're definitely not my friend. You are a stranger. An outsider. And right now, you are trespassing here. And I want you to leave. [she throws a bolt of energy at Monica, who is thrown backwards through the wall, two fences, and the Hex barrier]

Wanda Maximoff

[trying to comfort a crying baby Tommy] Please, sweet Tommy, don't you wanna sleep? Mommy wants to sleep. If you go to sleep, I promise, you will be my favorite twin!

Vision

[coming down the stairs with a crying baby Billy] Oh, come on now, darling. You know we love them both equally.

Wanda Maximoff

Well, don't tell him that! [Vision chuckles] No luck with Billy?

Vision

Tried reading to him, but for some reason, Charles Darwin's The Descent of Man made him cry even harder.

Wanda Maximoff

You know, I don't miss the crying, but jeez Louise, did you have to learn to walk? You two never stay put. [Wanda narrows her eyes at the twins, suspicious at how still they're standing] ...Unless you're "innocently" forming a human wall in front of the kitchen sink. [The dog sneezes] Bless you!

Thank you. [the dog barks]

Wanda Maximoff

Now tell me, which one of you just barked? Scoot! [The boys step off the stools, and Wanda notices the dog] Oh, boy! Waiter, what's this canine doing in my kitchen sink?

The doggy paddle?

Can we keep him, Mommy?

Wanda Maximoff

Well, I'm sure his owners miss him very much. Come on. [lifting the dog out of the sink] Huh, there really is no collar.

Can we keep him? He was outside, crying, alone.

Wanda Maximoff

Now boys, taking care of a living thing is a big responsibility. Dogs need food, exercise, training ...[slips into baby talk] belly rubs, and cuddles, and kisses between his little ears!

Monica Rambeau

Wanda, this is Captain Monica Rambeau. Can you hear me? [Wanda glares up at the drone] I just want to talk. That's it. [As she watches, Wanda's eyes glow a bright red]

Tyler Hayward

No joy.

Monica Rambeau

Uh...my controls aren't working. Reconnect patch!

Tyler Hayward

[to another agent] Disregard. Take the shot.

Monica Rambeau

What? No, the drone isn't armed.

Tyler Hayward

Take the shot!

Monica Rambeau

[rips off her headset; to Hayward] What did you do?!

There's a breach, sir!

Wanda Maximoff

Is this yours?! [Wanda tosses the drone at Hayward's feet]

Tyler Hayward

The missile was just a precaution. You can hardly blame us, Wanda.

Wanda Maximoff

Oh, I think I can. This will be your only warning: Stay out of my home. You don't bother me, I won't bother you.

Tyler Hayward

I wish it could be that simple. You've taken an entire town hostage.

Wanda Maximoff

I'm not the one with the guns, Director!

Monica Rambeau

But you are the one in control.

Wanda Maximoff

[irritated] You're still here. [Wanda conjures a ball of energy in her right hand]

Monica Rambeau

Wanda, I didn't know the drones were armed. But you know that, don't you? A town full of civilians and you, a telepath, brought a S.W.O.R.D. agent into your home. You trusted me to help deliver your babies! On some level, Wanda, you know I am an ally. I want to help you.

Wanda Maximoff

How? What could you possibly have to offer me?

Monica Rambeau

What do you want?

Wanda Maximoff

I have what I want. [glares at Hayward] And no one will ever take it from me, again.