[regarding Selina's new campaign "platform"] She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[regarding Quincy Carter] Oh my God, I cannot stand that affected butt-plug. If I could lift the fuckin' crate I'd beat him to death with it.
I screwed up, Mom. I should've never joined Maddox. Now he's finished, and I've come home to die.
JSJonah's mom
Well, can your DC friends help?
I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back so I can hear them.
[trying to unlock a cellphone] It's password protected. Hang on. 0-0-0-1... 0-0-0-2... 0-0-0-3...
You cannot be serious.
Well, there's just... there's just no way out of this. I mean, you know, not for a sitting Vice President... who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire. You know what V.P. stands for? It stands for "victory perma-fucked." I don't deserve this. You know? Goddammit. I don't, but you do. Because you are all losers! Every motherfuckin' one of you! [pointing to Amy and Gary] Loser! Loser!
[to a reporter] You're asking a rhetorical question, and the answer's obviously No.
Kent!
Ma'am.
What? Are you okay?
Kind of, in a way. And also not. And, in a third way, both.
What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war?
Ma'am, we're America, we're always at war.
The First Lady isn't in a good place.
Oh. Hospital.
Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.
Yikes!
At any rate... he's gonna resign.
Uh-uh. [beat] What?
Ma'am, you're about to become the 45th President of the United States. It's not a dress-rehearsal, not a drill. You are going to be the president.
Someone has just flown two planes into my career.
The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Yes.
You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Goodbye, China.
Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.
Those fuckers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?
God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.
The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...
I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
What?
Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
Don't ask me that.
But I am asking you that.
It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it.
No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?
Yeah.
So guess what? I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning! I need you! [pause] Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ: if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.
You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
[looking around] I never said that.
Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn’t telling you what I told you. [points to Dan] The fuck stops here, Dan.
We have to schedule calls for the UK Prime Minister, for China, and for the Vatican.
It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing.
Dan! What the fuck is this?
What are you talking about?
You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.
I publicly denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.
Ooh, wow.
There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?
No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.
DDab
Oh wow, that is tough.
I want a new deal. I want to get closer to the action. I'm like a boom-op on a porno shoot right now!
I'm sorry, man, but I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the President. Security risk.
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