Charmaine quotes from United States of Tara

Charmaine

We were raised to believe we should eat dog sh*t and you get use to eating dog sh*t.

Charmaine

On you know what I realized this morning? My bedroom window overlooks the Hubbard backyard and it has quite a view!

Charmaine

I want my wedding pictures with Nick, but I want my wedding night with Neal.

Charmaine

As a family we are completely fu**ed.

Charmaine

I fucked up okay - I so f-ed up, but please don't put me out on the streets. Help me believe in love.

Tara

Do you do that to me? Make up wildly heightened emotions just to manipulate me into being there for you?

Charmaine

Of course not. Only to mom.

Tara

Is every single thing just lurking beneath the surface?

Charmaine

I hope not.

Tara

Mom's going to do that thing where she holds up her arms open like she's a warm person.

Charmaine

Max, could you do me a favor and hot-glue gun her lips together?

Tara

He told me we have a brother.

Charmaine

A brother? Come on.

Tara

Yes. He said it in a totally disjointed, early Alzheimer's dad-like way, but he said you and your sister have a half-brother and I was married before I met your mom.

Charmaine

Well, let's see. Dad thinks Bob Hope is still alive.

Charmaine

I'd rather have Tara.

No offense, I'm sure. And non taken. Tara is the sister, I know... Even though she's not acting like one at the moment.

Charmaine

Well, Kate leaving probably has something to do with it, too.

Oh, you raise them as best you can, and then they toss you aside, like last season's handbag. Poor Tara. Her heart is in pieces.

Charmaine

Well, it's probably good she took a few hours off, then.

Mm. That's what we think.

Charmaine

"We"?

All of us on the inside. We have an arrangement. It's like that new film with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. We each take the key when we need the apartment. I get the body when the mother needs help.

Charmaine

Well, last I checked, your partner didn't take a job out of state and leave you home with a wailing infant.

Charmaine

oh, shit. (Storms out)

Tara

Oh, how's your film going?

Marshall

In my head, it's unique, nuanced, but when it comes out, it's like... A frog doing somersaults on a field, and you can't see the frog 'cause he's too green and you can't hear him cause the grass is too soft.

Max

Dudes! I got a lot to be cheerful about. I got a red-hot sexy mama in my kitchen making me a chow-down, a couple of clicks away from my 30th birthday party. Huh? My job uses negative 5% of my brain. And I recently rediscovered Chastity Stargazer.

Charmaine

Who?

Max

My vintage Fender Stratocaster electric guitar.

Charmaine

"Breath of my soul"?

Max

Yeah, it's like "Peter Gabriel meets Sting."

Charmaine

Must they meet?