Max quotes from United States of Tara

Max

Chinese checkers - I've got Chinese checkers here!

Max

Where's Mom?

Marshall

I'm not sure if Mom's here. I mean-Mom's here but I don't know if "Mom"'s here.

Max

Who's the parent around here?

Kate

No one!

Max

Hey buddy, just in time for a little Billy Jack time.

Marshall

Starting to hate you.

Tara

What happened to your neck?

Max

A door-to-door werewolf.

Why can't you come clean with me?

Marshall

Just because I don't share every single thought in my head about you does not mean that I'm a liar! You want to know the truth? Here it is. This was never a real relationship! You are so fucked up in your head that you just don't get it! You're so afraid of finding out who you really are. You'd rather be married to someone you KNOW is gay than risk being rejected by someone who could actually love you!

Marshall

How could I love you, Courtney? I'm embarrassed for you! But I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Because I am a decent human being. Because I've learned in my life that as much as I want to tell my sister that she's not as clever or special as she thinks she is or tell my aunt that she's a pathological narcissist or tell my dad to wake up because my mother's D.I.D. disease is just going to bury us all. It's better to keep my goddamn mouth shut!

Max

Oh nice going, Marshall! I hope you like your new foster family!

Tara

What's going to happen to us - what's going to happen to our family?

Max

I don't know. I don't know.

Max

Please tell me you're looking at porn.

Tara

Well, if porn is a disastrous baby shower, then... yeah. Big-Tim.

Tara

Flighty 19-year-old in Japan. We are either terrible parents or... visionary parents. I don't know.

Max

Mm, little of both.

[handing over a stack of papers] ... in the mean time give her this.

Max

[taking the papers] What's this?

Her *Declaration of Co-Dependence*

Max

Dudes! I got a lot to be cheerful about. I got a red-hot sexy mama in my kitchen making me a chow-down, a couple of clicks away from my 30th birthday party. Huh? My job uses negative 5% of my brain. And I recently rediscovered Chastity Stargazer.

Charmaine

Who?

Max

My vintage Fender Stratocaster electric guitar.

Charmaine

"Breath of my soul"?

Max

Yeah, it's like "Peter Gabriel meets Sting."

Charmaine

Must they meet?

Tara

How goes it in there?

Max

Like exhuming a corpse. Amps are buzzing, my song's terrible, Ted won't quit messing around. (Ted is heard screaming in the other room) I just put myself on suicide watch.