Lizzie quotes from United States of Al

Lizzie

Whoa.

Lizzie

Look, what Dad said is not cool, but he is a very stubborn man, and if you don't apologize, we're gonna have another Uncle Charlie.

Lizzie

Of course.

Lizzie

Yeah.

Lizzie

How do you say "We're so happy to see you" in-- What is the language there? Afghanistanish?

Riley

Uh, it's Pashto. And I only know a few phrases.

Lizzie

Like?

Lizzie

Which means?

Riley

Please, god. Get me out of here.

Lizzie

So you can say that and not "We're so glad you're here!"?

Riley

Lizzie, the whole time I served in Afghanistan, I never heard anyone say, "We're so glad you're here!". We should've brought him a welcome gift. When I went back for my second tour, he was waiting for me on the tarmac with a pot of pacha.

Lizzie

Ooh, is that something you eat or smoke?

Riley

It's a traditional Afghan breakfast soup made of sheep's hooves.

Lizzie

Seriously?

Riley

I know, it sounds more like a lunch food, doesn't it? Al's mom used to make it for us.

Lizzie

Aw. Are you gonna cry when you see him?

Riley

Marines don't cry, Lizzie.

Lizzie

They don't, huh?

Riley

No. Those babies in the Air Force cry when their sunglasses get smudged. There he is, there he is. Al, over here!

Al

Hi. Oh, my friend. I'm so happy to see you.

Riley

I was worried you weren't gonna make it.

Al

Me, too. But you found a way.

Lizzie

Hi, Al.

Al

Lizzie. It is so good to finally meet you.

Lizzie

Thank you for keeping my brother safe. Oh, thank you!

Al

Oh, look at this. Today, we are all in the Air Force.

Lizzie

Okay, next question. For better visibility while driving in rain, fog or snow, you should keep your blank on.

Art

Pants.

Al

The answer is low beams.

Art

Not as funny.

Al

Hello, mother. How are you doing?

Hello, my son. How are you? Did you get your license yet?

Al

My test is tomorrow. Today, we went shopping and I got new clothes.

Wow! You look like Angelina Jolie's husband.

Al

And mom, check this out.

Where are the rest of your pants?

Al

They're called shorts. Everyone wears them here.

Shorts? I do not like them.

Al

They are great. They have so many pockets.

Art

Pepper shaker.

There's no way God will accept your prayers wearing that thing.

Lizzie

What'd she say?

Al

I'm her favorite son.

Riley

Hey, what about me?

Oh, it's my American son. Hello, Riley Jaan.

Riley

Salaam, Khala Jaan.

Look. Riley is wearing pants like a man. Why can't you be more like Riley?

Riley

What'd she say about me?

Al

You look fatter than she remembers.

Art

Lose something?

Lizzie

Don't worry about it.

Art

Geez. Hope you find your manners in there. Why do you got so much stuff in your purse?

Lizzie

What am I, a guest on your podcast? I lost Michael's dog tags.

Art

Oh... Well, okay, don't worry. They'll turn up.

Lizzie

Oh, yeah. Here they are.

Art

Oh, really?

Lizzie

No.

Art

Well, where'd you lose them?

Lizzie

I don't know. That's what "lost" means.

Art

I'm surprised. I just never seen you take them off.

Lizzie

I don't. I had them on last night and I went to the party and then they must have fallen off somewhere.

Art

Well, no problem. Where was this party?

Lizzie

It was out by Walnut Creek.

Art

That's just woods. Who has a party in the woods?

Lizzie

Bad people. Who do you think?

Art

All right. Let's go find them.

Lizzie

There's no way.

Art

Not without assistance.

Lizzie

What do you mean?

Art

I got a friend. Walk with me. Bertha, we need your help.

Lizzie

Your friend is a rifle?

Art

That's Emily. Bertha's my metal detector. Hello, darling.

Lizzie

There's a reason you're not dating.

Lizzie

(singing) If I had a hammer.

Lizzie

(singing) I'd hammer in the morning.

Art

Whatcha doing?

Lizzie

Making art.

Art

For a minute there, I thought you were breaking beer bottles with a hammer.

Lizzie

I'm working on a mixed-media mosaic.

Art

Ah. Why?

Lizzie

What do you want, Dad?

Art

I need to ask a favor.

Lizzie

I'm listening.

Art

I was hoping you could put together a slideshow about your brother. Maybe include some pictures of him and Al in there.

Lizzie

For the Veteran's Post thing?

Art

Yeah.

Lizzie

You sure about this? Riley hates that kind of stuff.

Art

Nah, he says he does, but once he gets up there onstage and he feels all that love and gratitude. He needs this. I sure never got an attaboy when I came back from Grenada.

Lizzie

'Cause no one knew you went or what it was.

Art

That was a turning point in the Cold War.

Lizzie

It was more like the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun.

Art

Come on, help me out here, will ya? Your brother's stuck, and we need to unstick him. You in or you out?

Lizzie

I'm in.

Art

Thank you. Hey, can I try?

Lizzie

Oh, sure.

Art

Yeah! I get it.

Lizzie

You got screwed on the financing.

Riley

Stop trying to ruin this.

Art

Riley, pipe down, will you? I want to hear what she has to say.

Riley

Why are you listening to her?

Art

Because she's good with numbers. You're good with shapes. Go ahead.

Lizzie

The interest rate increases up to 20% after 6 months.

Riley

Yeah, that's fine. It's the same deal I got on my truck, and I'm not having any problem making payments.

Art

Wait, you're still paying on that? It's been like 3 years.

Riley

Yeah. And in 3 more, it's all mine.

Art

I thought you got a great deal on that thing.

Riley

I did! The guy who sold it to me even said I was the toughest negotiator he ever-- Son of a bitch.

Art

I'm gonna go down to that dealership and let 'em have it. I mean, taking advantage of an immigrant and a moron? That ain't right.

Al

I must imagine that, when you were younger, you were very successful with the ladies.

Art

That's a weird thing to imagine, but you're not wrong.

Al

So, what kind of women did you date? Educated? Uneducated but with a strong work ethic?

Art

Well, I was an 18-year-old Marine who could do 100 pull-ups, so any kind I wanted.

Riley

You could not do 100 pull-ups.

Art

I got it on Super 8 in a box somewhere.

Riley

My record's 30.

Art

Yeah, what can I tell ya? You're weak.

Al

Riley, this is not about you. It is about your father and the kind of woman he fancies.

Lizzie

You know what I'd fancy? A different conversation.

Al

Now, I bet the women would like you as much now as when you were a young man.

Art

Where are you heading with this, Al?

Al

I'm just commenting that you are still very desirable. You own your own business. You have a home. You have many skills.

Lizzie

You can fall asleep standing up.

Riley

You can open a beer with your teeth.

Al

And you know many jokes. I don't get most of them. But, I sense they are funny.

Lizzie

Hey, Champ. You good?

Riley

Champ.

Lizzie

Can we get you anything?

Al

More sparkling cider.

Riley

I think you've had enough, buddy.

Lizzie

I'm just gonna turn this down a little, so we can talk.

Lizzie

There. That's nice.

Riley

Look, man. I know you're hurting, but she's one girl. Okay? You got to get back out there.

Al

Why? You've been out there for months, and all you have to show for it is a mysterious rash.

Riley

It's a detergent sensitivity. What I'm saying is, it's a numbers game.

Al

Even you don't believe that, Riley. The love of your life is gone, and you chase a mirage every night. It is a fool's errand.

Riley

Okay. I'm tagging out. You're up!

Riley

I basically missed out on 6 years of Hazel growing up. I'm just making up for lost time. This is where you're supposed to agree with me.

Lizzie

I really want to.

Riley

But?

Lizzie

Those 6 years were not easy for Vanessa. Being a single mom was really tough.

Art

Ah. I will leave you to it.

Lizzie

No, you can stay.

Art

You sure?

Lizzie

Yeah.

Art

You know, sweetheart. I get it. When your mom passed away, it took me months to even look at her closet. So don't feel bad. And we're doing this.

Lizzie

From our second date, mini golf. Boy, did he cheat. Hole in one? I don't think so.

Art

That's a lot of shot glasses.

Lizzie

He collected them. Branson, Yellowstone, Niagara Falls. The Vatican! This one was hard to find.

Art

Oh.

Lizzie

He was obsessed with Donny Hathaway. His wings! After flight school graduation, they had this fancy ceremony, and then got wasted and punched the pins into each other's chests. Idiots!

Art

I'm proud of you.

Lizzie

Why?

Art

You opened the box. No tears.

Lizzie

Should I be more upset?

Art

No. It means you're moving on.

Lizzie

Oh, my God, you think so?

Art

No, I don't. I think you're still very sad.

Lizzie

No. I'm not.

Lizzie

Wow. You're good.

Would you think more or less of me if I told you I came last night to practice?

Lizzie

You practiced for our date?

I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of a real artist.

Lizzie

Smart. This vase I'm making, gonna sell it for $300,000.

Oh, darn, I only have $100,000 on me.

Lizzie

Oh, this is awkward. I thought I was dating a rich guy.

You ever think about doing this professionally?

Lizzie

I did, for a long time. But honestly, I'm worried it would lose some of the joy, if it were my job.

That makes sense.

Lizzie

Besides, I kind of like working for my dad. But if you tell him, I'll deny it.

That's great that you have that self-awareness. Most people are oblivious.

Lizzie

Oblivious? Is that your professional assessment as a psychologist?

Uh, no. The technical term is "stupid". I was just trying to class it up.

Lizzie

What are you into outside of work?

Well, doing pottery with pretty girls is kind of my thing right now. And there's my punk band.

Lizzie

You have a punk band?

Yes.

Lizzie

You?

Yes. I may look like a mild-mannered college professor, but every Thursday at 4:00 PM, I am a guitar-smashing maniac. I don't actually smash it. I just kind of lift it above my head, then put it down gently.

Lizzie

And what is this pretend band called?

It is not pretend. It is me and several other psychology professors, and we are called "Rage Against the Dean".

Lizzie

And do you wear punk makeup? Eyeliner, blue lipstick?

No, just a little zinc oxide on my nose when we play outside. Oh, and a hat. I have a really cool hat.

Art

Oh, that's not kale in there, is it?

Lizzie

Can we not have the kale conversation?

Art

I like iceberg.

Lizzie

I know.

Art

It knows what it is. It's not trying to be all fancy.

Lizzie

I know.

Riley

Check it out. Boom!

Art

Oh, on the ribs. Did it hurt?

Riley

Yeah.

Lizzie

Oh, my God. Why did you do that?

Riley

Because it's awesome.

Lizzie

Does she know about this?

Riley

No, it's a surprise.

Al

Big surprise.

Lizzie

Oh, dude, this may be the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Riley

No, it's romantic.

Lizzie

No, it's stupid. You're gonna freak her out.

Al

Why are you the enemy of romance?

Riley

I want her to know I'm crazy about her.

Lizzie

Well, she'll definitely get the crazy part.

Riley

You don't know her like I do.

Lizzie

She's cool, laid-back and independent.

Riley

Okay. You know her a little.

Lizzie

And this tattoo makes you look weird, desperate, and really clingy.

Riley

It does.

Art

Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Too bad. I liked her.

Riley

Okay, you guys are crazy. She's not gonna break up with me over a tattoo.

Art

Spilt milk, buddy. Let it go.

Al

I tried to talk him out of it.