Al quotes from United States of Al

Al

I was born at 3:00 AM. so that's when I wake up and celebrate.

Al

Of course. I also know I was 19 inches and had an enormous head.

Al

All I am asking for is for you to be open while talking to him.

Al

Thank you, Hassina.

Al

I was. But now I just want you both to be happy.

Lizzie

How do you say "We're so happy to see you" in-- What is the language there? Afghanistanish?

Riley

Uh, it's Pashto. And I only know a few phrases.

Lizzie

Like?

Lizzie

Which means?

Riley

Please, god. Get me out of here.

Lizzie

So you can say that and not "We're so glad you're here!"?

Riley

Lizzie, the whole time I served in Afghanistan, I never heard anyone say, "We're so glad you're here!". We should've brought him a welcome gift. When I went back for my second tour, he was waiting for me on the tarmac with a pot of pacha.

Lizzie

Ooh, is that something you eat or smoke?

Riley

It's a traditional Afghan breakfast soup made of sheep's hooves.

Lizzie

Seriously?

Riley

I know, it sounds more like a lunch food, doesn't it? Al's mom used to make it for us.

Lizzie

Aw. Are you gonna cry when you see him?

Riley

Marines don't cry, Lizzie.

Lizzie

They don't, huh?

Riley

No. Those babies in the Air Force cry when their sunglasses get smudged. There he is, there he is. Al, over here!

Al

Hi. Oh, my friend. I'm so happy to see you.

Riley

I was worried you weren't gonna make it.

Al

Me, too. But you found a way.

Lizzie

Hi, Al.

Al

Lizzie. It is so good to finally meet you.

Lizzie

Thank you for keeping my brother safe. Oh, thank you!

Al

Oh, look at this. Today, we are all in the Air Force.

Al

Vanessa, having tea is an important part of my culture. It facilitates dialogue, even among the most bitter enemies. During the war, Riley and I would do this to try to resolve disputes.

Vanessa

I get that, Al, but I just really don't think this is gonna help us.

Riley

Yeah, I already told him that.

Vanessa

Oh, shut up.

Al

Of course, in Afghanistan, we were mostly dealing with murderous warlords. This is my first time working with a married couple.

Vanessa

Well, we won't be married for long.

Riley

Why'd you even come here? I mean, don't you have anything better to do?

Vanessa

I came out of respect for the guy who saved your life.

Riley

You came to punish me.

Vanessa

I don't have to punish you, Riley. You punish yourself.

Al

I have to tell you both, I am missing the warlords right now. Vanessa, why don't you tell me what you think went wrong with your marriage?

Vanessa

Oh, Al, I don't even know where to start. I mean, the mood swings, the drinking. He won't go get help. He refused to go to counseling. I just had enough.

Al

Okay, thank you. I have only been here one day, but I have also seen the mood swings and the drinking.

Riley

Hey. Whose side are you on?

Al

I am in the middle. Look. This is on purpose.

Vanessa

I'm sorry, but I'm done trying to raise my daughter with a guy who I can't trust.

Al

I understand that, too. When I met Riley, I did not trust him either. And I was right not to trust him. Did you know the first time he gave me a gun, he did not put bullets in it?

Vanessa

You're kidding.

Al

I am not, and I discovered this in the middle of a firefight.

Riley

I had to know you weren't gonna shoot me.

Al

And in that moment, when I was clicking away and nothing was coming out, I really wanted to. The point is, we did not trust each other then. But we do now. Trust is earned.

Vanessa

Well, he's got a long way to go.

Al

Oh, I agree.

Vanessa

Right now, he's at zero with me.

Al

Oh. Zero is good. I would not have gone that high.

Vanessa

But I do like you.

Al

You know what's funny? The warlords also liked me and not him. Vanessa, you are as wonderful a woman as Riley always said. I'm so glad we finally got to meet.

Vanessa

Me, too.

Riley

Excuse me. But, we haven't resolved a thing here.

Al

No, but we are talking, which is a good first step. If the two of us could learn a language he does not know, that might be helpful for the future.

Vanessa

I speak a little French.

Al

Ah. Moi aussi.

Riley

I can learn French.

Al

Just drink your tea.

Vanessa

So, what other nice things did he say about me?

Al

Where do I begin? Your hair, your eyes, your laugh...

Riley

Oh, come on!

Lizzie

Okay, next question. For better visibility while driving in rain, fog or snow, you should keep your blank on.

Art

Pants.

Al

The answer is low beams.

Art

Not as funny.

Al

Hello, mother. How are you doing?

Hello, my son. How are you? Did you get your license yet?

Al

My test is tomorrow. Today, we went shopping and I got new clothes.

Wow! You look like Angelina Jolie's husband.

Al

And mom, check this out.

Where are the rest of your pants?

Al

They're called shorts. Everyone wears them here.

Shorts? I do not like them.

Al

They are great. They have so many pockets.

Art

Pepper shaker.

There's no way God will accept your prayers wearing that thing.

Lizzie

What'd she say?

Al

I'm her favorite son.

Riley

Hey, what about me?

Oh, it's my American son. Hello, Riley Jaan.

Riley

Salaam, Khala Jaan.

Look. Riley is wearing pants like a man. Why can't you be more like Riley?

Riley

What'd she say about me?

Al

You look fatter than she remembers.

Al

Is Michael Jordan in this game?

Hazel

What? He's like 100 years old.

Art

Hey. Who's playing?

Al

Not Michael Jordan.

Art

You good?

Al

Oh, very good.

Art

Good.

Al

Hazel, you should stand up when your grandfather enters the room.

Hazel

Why?

Al

As a sign of respect.

Hazel

What if you don't have legs?

Al

Hazel, an elder is wise. Much like the rings on a tree, the wrinkles on your grandfather's face are the mark of experience and wisdom.

Hazel

What if you're tied to the chair?

Al

Stop finding loopholes.

Art

You guys are messing with me.

Hazel

Uncle Al says we have to stand because you're old.

Al

No, no, no, Mr. Art. That is not what I meant. You are still very young. Mashallah. Not even a single bud from a thousand flowers of your life has blossomed yet.

Hazel

You just said he was wrinkled.

Al

I did not say that.

Hazel

Yes, you did.

Al

No, I didn't.

Hazel

Yes, you did.

Al

No, I didn't.

Art

Calm down.

Hazel

Grampy, can you get me some juice?

Art

Sure.

Al

Mr. Art, please wait. She is the one who should be getting you juice.

Art

I don't want juice.

Al

Doesn't matter. She needs to know her place in the family. She should sit closest to the kitchen so that if anyone needs anything, she can happily run and get it for them. The order should be the youngest by the kitchen, then the parents, then the guest, then the elders.

Art

Yeah, that's not gonna work. Puts me too far from the bathroom. What flavor?

Hazel

Grape, please.

Art

Excellent choice. Pairs well with popcorn.

Hazel

Yes, you did.

Al

I don't want to fight you.

Riley

How about now?

Al

No.

Riley

How about now?

Al

Riley, you spilled my tea!

Riley

Oh, no! What are you gonna do about it?

Al

This is a bad idea.

Riley

Why?!

Al

Because I will lose!

Riley

Oh, with that attitude, you will.

Al

No, with this body, I will.

Riley

Fight me, or I'll call your sister names.

Al

Okay. That's it!

Riley

Yeah, man, this is my therapy. When I get mad, I do this. When I'm sad a little of that. When I don't know how to feel, a little bit of that.

Al

Fine. If you insist, I will give it a try.

Riley

All right, step into my office. Here we go. Show me what you got. Harder. Harder!

Al

I don't want to hurt you.

Riley

Oh, you're serious?

Al

Now I kind of want to hurt you.

Al

I must imagine that, when you were younger, you were very successful with the ladies.

Art

That's a weird thing to imagine, but you're not wrong.

Al

So, what kind of women did you date? Educated? Uneducated but with a strong work ethic?

Art

Well, I was an 18-year-old Marine who could do 100 pull-ups, so any kind I wanted.

Riley

You could not do 100 pull-ups.

Art

I got it on Super 8 in a box somewhere.

Riley

My record's 30.

Art

Yeah, what can I tell ya? You're weak.

Al

Riley, this is not about you. It is about your father and the kind of woman he fancies.

Lizzie

You know what I'd fancy? A different conversation.

Al

Now, I bet the women would like you as much now as when you were a young man.

Art

Where are you heading with this, Al?

Al

I'm just commenting that you are still very desirable. You own your own business. You have a home. You have many skills.

Lizzie

You can fall asleep standing up.

Riley

You can open a beer with your teeth.

Al

And you know many jokes. I don't get most of them. But, I sense they are funny.

Lizzie

Hey, Champ. You good?

Riley

Champ.

Lizzie

Can we get you anything?

Al

More sparkling cider.

Riley

I think you've had enough, buddy.

Lizzie

I'm just gonna turn this down a little, so we can talk.

Lizzie

There. That's nice.

Riley

Look, man. I know you're hurting, but she's one girl. Okay? You got to get back out there.

Al

Why? You've been out there for months, and all you have to show for it is a mysterious rash.

Riley

It's a detergent sensitivity. What I'm saying is, it's a numbers game.

Al

Even you don't believe that, Riley. The love of your life is gone, and you chase a mirage every night. It is a fool's errand.

Riley

Okay. I'm tagging out. You're up!

Riley

You know why I think I'm so good at this?

Al

Because I'm doing most of the work.

Riley

When I was in 7th grade, a couple of us used to hang out at the gas station tonight. We wait for someone to go in and buy cigarettes or lottery tickets. They leave their car running. We hop in, drive around the block, ditch the car, and leave.

Art

Oh, that's not kale in there, is it?

Lizzie

Can we not have the kale conversation?

Art

I like iceberg.

Lizzie

I know.

Art

It knows what it is. It's not trying to be all fancy.

Lizzie

I know.

Riley

Check it out. Boom!

Art

Oh, on the ribs. Did it hurt?

Riley

Yeah.

Lizzie

Oh, my God. Why did you do that?

Riley

Because it's awesome.

Lizzie

Does she know about this?

Riley

No, it's a surprise.

Al

Big surprise.

Lizzie

Oh, dude, this may be the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Riley

No, it's romantic.

Lizzie

No, it's stupid. You're gonna freak her out.

Al

Why are you the enemy of romance?

Riley

I want her to know I'm crazy about her.

Lizzie

Well, she'll definitely get the crazy part.

Riley

You don't know her like I do.

Lizzie

She's cool, laid-back and independent.

Riley

Okay. You know her a little.

Lizzie

And this tattoo makes you look weird, desperate, and really clingy.

Riley

It does.

Art

Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Too bad. I liked her.

Riley

Okay, you guys are crazy. She's not gonna break up with me over a tattoo.

Art

Spilt milk, buddy. Let it go.

Al

I tried to talk him out of it.

Lizzie

Wild guess. Al's mom found out.

Art

Maybe we should give 'em a little space?

Lizzie

It's not like we're eavesdropping. We don't speak the language.

Art

Angry, disappointed parent? I am fluent. I thought I taught you better than this. I sacrificed so much. Why don't you just stab me in the heart?

Lizzie

You're talking about Riley, right?

Art

Oh, sweetie, I'm talking about the both of you.

Lizzie

Hey! What's going on?

Al

I just spoke with my mother.

Art

Really? How is she?

Al

I'm afraid my freewheeling lifestyle has come to a close. No need to lock up your daughters, America. They're safe now.

Lizzie

What happened?

Al

She says the only way to restore honor to our name is if she finds me a wife from a good family.

Lizzie

A wife?

Art

Can't you just do a bunch of Muslim Hail Marys or something?

Al

No, no, no, no. If your parents are not happy with you, Mr. Art, God is not happy with you.

Art

Are you listening to this?

Al

She already has someone in mind. Her name is Nasim.

Art

That's a pretty name.

Al

She was the neighborhood bully. When we were kids, she used to hold me down and spit on my face till I cried.

Art

Maybe I should arrange a marriage for you.

Lizzie

Go for it.

Art

Ooh. Called my bluff. Did not see that coming.