Art quotes from United States of Al

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Art

On a subconscious level, you are outraged.

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Art

Promise you will not give this another thought.

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Art

50% of your artery, isn't blocked.

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Art

A stack of magazines I found in my dad's underwear drawer.

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Art

Cindy has invited me for dinner tomorrow, and, um, I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level.

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Art

Ask me anything.

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Art

All I need is to study for a few days.

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Scenes with Art 9

Okay, next question. For better visibility while driving in rain, fog or snow, you should keep your blank on.

Art

Pants.

The answer is low beams.

Art

Not as funny.

Hello, mother. How are you doing?

KKhala

Hello, my son. How are you? Did you get your license yet?

My test is tomorrow. Today, we went shopping and I got new clothes.

KKhala

Wow! You look like Angelina Jolie's husband.

And mom, check this out.

KKhala

Where are the rest of your pants?

They're called shorts. Everyone wears them here.

KKhala

Shorts? I do not like them.

They are great. They have so many pockets.

Art

Pepper shaker.

KKhala

There's no way God will accept your prayers wearing that thing.

What'd she say?

I'm her favorite son.

Hey, what about me?

KKhala

Oh, it's my American son. Hello, Riley Jaan.

Salaam, Khala Jaan.

KKhala

Look. Riley is wearing pants like a man. Why can't you be more like Riley?

What'd she say about me?

You look fatter than she remembers.

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Art

Lose something?

Don't worry about it.

Art

Geez. Hope you find your manners in there. Why do you got so much stuff in your purse?

What am I, a guest on your podcast? I lost Michael's dog tags.

Art

Oh... Well, okay, don't worry. They'll turn up.

Oh, yeah. Here they are.

Art

Oh, really?

No.

Art

Well, where'd you lose them?

I don't know. That's what "lost" means.

Art

I'm surprised. I just never seen you take them off.

I don't. I had them on last night and I went to the party and then they must have fallen off somewhere.

Art

Well, no problem. Where was this party?

It was out by Walnut Creek.

Art

That's just woods. Who has a party in the woods?

Bad people. Who do you think?

Art

All right. Let's go find them.

There's no way.

Art

Not without assistance.

What do you mean?

Art

I got a friend. Walk with me. Bertha, we need your help.

Your friend is a rifle?

Art

That's Emily. Bertha's my metal detector. Hello, darling.

There's a reason you're not dating.

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Is Michael Jordan in this game?

What? He's like 100 years old.

Art

Hey. Who's playing?

Not Michael Jordan.

Art

You good?

Oh, very good.

Art

Good.

Hazel, you should stand up when your grandfather enters the room.

Why?

As a sign of respect.

What if you don't have legs?

Hazel, an elder is wise. Much like the rings on a tree, the wrinkles on your grandfather's face are the mark of experience and wisdom.

What if you're tied to the chair?

Stop finding loopholes.

Art

You guys are messing with me.

Uncle Al says we have to stand because you're old.

No, no, no, Mr. Art. That is not what I meant. You are still very young. Mashallah. Not even a single bud from a thousand flowers of your life has blossomed yet.

You just said he was wrinkled.

I did not say that.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Art

Calm down.

Grampy, can you get me some juice?

Art

Sure.

Mr. Art, please wait. She is the one who should be getting you juice.

Art

I don't want juice.

Doesn't matter. She needs to know her place in the family. She should sit closest to the kitchen so that if anyone needs anything, she can happily run and get it for them. The order should be the youngest by the kitchen, then the parents, then the guest, then the elders.

Art

Yeah, that's not gonna work. Puts me too far from the bathroom. What flavor?

Grape, please.

Art

Excellent choice. Pairs well with popcorn.

Yes, you did.

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(singing) If I had a hammer.

[Lizzie destroys the beer bottles with a hammer.]

(singing) I'd hammer in the morning.

Art

Whatcha doing?

Making art.

Art

For a minute there, I thought you were breaking beer bottles with a hammer.

I'm working on a mixed-media mosaic.

Art

Ah. Why?

What do you want, Dad?

Art

I need to ask a favor.

I'm listening.

Art

I was hoping you could put together a slideshow about your brother. Maybe include some pictures of him and Al in there.

For the Veteran's Post thing?

Art

Yeah.

You sure about this? Riley hates that kind of stuff.

Art

Nah, he says he does, but once he gets up there onstage and he feels all that love and gratitude. He needs this. I sure never got an attaboy when I came back from Grenada.

'Cause no one knew you went or what it was.

Art

That was a turning point in the Cold War.

It was more like the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun.

Art

Come on, help me out here, will ya? Your brother's stuck, and we need to unstick him. You in or you out?

I'm in.

Art

Thank you. Hey, can I try?

Oh, sure.

[Art destroys the beer bottles with a hammer.]

Art

Yeah! I get it.

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You got screwed on the financing.

Stop trying to ruin this.

Art

Riley, pipe down, will you? I want to hear what she has to say.

Why are you listening to her?

Art

Because she's good with numbers. You're good with shapes. Go ahead.

The interest rate increases up to 20% after 6 months.

Yeah, that's fine. It's the same deal I got on my truck, and I'm not having any problem making payments.

Art

Wait, you're still paying on that? It's been like 3 years.

Yeah. And in 3 more, it's all mine.

Art

I thought you got a great deal on that thing.

I did! The guy who sold it to me even said I was the toughest negotiator he ever-- Son of a bitch.

Art

I'm gonna go down to that dealership and let 'em have it. I mean, taking advantage of an immigrant and a moron? That ain't right.

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I must imagine that, when you were younger, you were very successful with the ladies.

Art

That's a weird thing to imagine, but you're not wrong.

So, what kind of women did you date? Educated? Uneducated but with a strong work ethic?

Art

Well, I was an 18-year-old Marine who could do 100 pull-ups, so any kind I wanted.

You could not do 100 pull-ups.

Art

I got it on Super 8 in a box somewhere.

My record's 30.

Art

Yeah, what can I tell ya? You're weak.

Riley, this is not about you. It is about your father and the kind of woman he fancies.

You know what I'd fancy? A different conversation.

Now, I bet the women would like you as much now as when you were a young man.

Art

Where are you heading with this, Al?

I'm just commenting that you are still very desirable. You own your own business. You have a home. You have many skills.

You can fall asleep standing up.

You can open a beer with your teeth.

And you know many jokes. I don't get most of them. But, I sense they are funny.

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Art

Ah. I will leave you to it.

No, you can stay.

Art

You sure?

Yeah.

Art

You know, sweetheart. I get it. When your mom passed away, it took me months to even look at her closet. So don't feel bad. And we're doing this.

From our second date, mini golf. Boy, did he cheat. Hole in one? I don't think so.

Art

That's a lot of shot glasses.

He collected them. Branson, Yellowstone, Niagara Falls. The Vatican! This one was hard to find.

Art

Oh.

He was obsessed with Donny Hathaway. His wings! After flight school graduation, they had this fancy ceremony, and then got wasted and punched the pins into each other's chests. Idiots!

Art

I'm proud of you.

Why?

Art

You opened the box. No tears.

Should I be more upset?

Art

No. It means you're moving on.