Riley quotes from United States of Al

Riley

No, we don't.

Riley

It's okay with me if she wants to stay here.

Riley

What? Why?

Riley

Copy that.

Riley

There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to what we were doing.

Riley

I just want to make sure you're not compromising stuff that matters because you're hurting.

Riley

I was at Vanessa's.

Riley

Okay.

Riley

Well, this is a surprise.

Riley

So why don't you leave while you still have your teeth?

Lizzie

How do you say "We're so happy to see you" in-- What is the language there? Afghanistanish?

Riley

Uh, it's Pashto. And I only know a few phrases.

Lizzie

Like?

Lizzie

Which means?

Riley

Please, god. Get me out of here.

Lizzie

So you can say that and not "We're so glad you're here!"?

Riley

Lizzie, the whole time I served in Afghanistan, I never heard anyone say, "We're so glad you're here!". We should've brought him a welcome gift. When I went back for my second tour, he was waiting for me on the tarmac with a pot of pacha.

Lizzie

Ooh, is that something you eat or smoke?

Riley

It's a traditional Afghan breakfast soup made of sheep's hooves.

Lizzie

Seriously?

Riley

I know, it sounds more like a lunch food, doesn't it? Al's mom used to make it for us.

Lizzie

Aw. Are you gonna cry when you see him?

Riley

Marines don't cry, Lizzie.

Lizzie

They don't, huh?

Riley

No. Those babies in the Air Force cry when their sunglasses get smudged. There he is, there he is. Al, over here!

Al

Hi. Oh, my friend. I'm so happy to see you.

Riley

I was worried you weren't gonna make it.

Al

Me, too. But you found a way.

Lizzie

Hi, Al.

Al

Lizzie. It is so good to finally meet you.

Lizzie

Thank you for keeping my brother safe. Oh, thank you!

Al

Oh, look at this. Today, we are all in the Air Force.

Al

Vanessa, having tea is an important part of my culture. It facilitates dialogue, even among the most bitter enemies. During the war, Riley and I would do this to try to resolve disputes.

Vanessa

I get that, Al, but I just really don't think this is gonna help us.

Riley

Yeah, I already told him that.

Vanessa

Oh, shut up.

Al

Of course, in Afghanistan, we were mostly dealing with murderous warlords. This is my first time working with a married couple.

Vanessa

Well, we won't be married for long.

Riley

Why'd you even come here? I mean, don't you have anything better to do?

Vanessa

I came out of respect for the guy who saved your life.

Riley

You came to punish me.

Vanessa

I don't have to punish you, Riley. You punish yourself.

Al

I have to tell you both, I am missing the warlords right now. Vanessa, why don't you tell me what you think went wrong with your marriage?

Vanessa

Oh, Al, I don't even know where to start. I mean, the mood swings, the drinking. He won't go get help. He refused to go to counseling. I just had enough.

Al

Okay, thank you. I have only been here one day, but I have also seen the mood swings and the drinking.

Riley

Hey. Whose side are you on?

Al

I am in the middle. Look. This is on purpose.

Vanessa

I'm sorry, but I'm done trying to raise my daughter with a guy who I can't trust.

Al

I understand that, too. When I met Riley, I did not trust him either. And I was right not to trust him. Did you know the first time he gave me a gun, he did not put bullets in it?

Vanessa

You're kidding.

Al

I am not, and I discovered this in the middle of a firefight.

Riley

I had to know you weren't gonna shoot me.

Al

And in that moment, when I was clicking away and nothing was coming out, I really wanted to. The point is, we did not trust each other then. But we do now. Trust is earned.

Vanessa

Well, he's got a long way to go.

Al

Oh, I agree.

Vanessa

Right now, he's at zero with me.

Al

Oh. Zero is good. I would not have gone that high.

Vanessa

But I do like you.

Al

You know what's funny? The warlords also liked me and not him. Vanessa, you are as wonderful a woman as Riley always said. I'm so glad we finally got to meet.

Vanessa

Me, too.

Riley

Excuse me. But, we haven't resolved a thing here.

Al

No, but we are talking, which is a good first step. If the two of us could learn a language he does not know, that might be helpful for the future.

Vanessa

I speak a little French.

Al

Ah. Moi aussi.

Riley

I can learn French.

Al

Just drink your tea.

Vanessa

So, what other nice things did he say about me?

Al

Where do I begin? Your hair, your eyes, your laugh...

Riley

Oh, come on!

Lizzie

Okay, next question. For better visibility while driving in rain, fog or snow, you should keep your blank on.

Art

Pants.

Al

The answer is low beams.

Art

Not as funny.

Al

Hello, mother. How are you doing?

Hello, my son. How are you? Did you get your license yet?

Al

My test is tomorrow. Today, we went shopping and I got new clothes.

Wow! You look like Angelina Jolie's husband.

Al

And mom, check this out.

Where are the rest of your pants?

Al

They're called shorts. Everyone wears them here.

Shorts? I do not like them.

Al

They are great. They have so many pockets.

Art

Pepper shaker.

There's no way God will accept your prayers wearing that thing.

Lizzie

What'd she say?

Al

I'm her favorite son.

Riley

Hey, what about me?

Oh, it's my American son. Hello, Riley Jaan.

Riley

Salaam, Khala Jaan.

Look. Riley is wearing pants like a man. Why can't you be more like Riley?

Riley

What'd she say about me?

Al

You look fatter than she remembers.

Al

I don't want to fight you.

Riley

How about now?

Al

No.

Riley

How about now?

Al

Riley, you spilled my tea!

Riley

Oh, no! What are you gonna do about it?

Al

This is a bad idea.

Riley

Why?!

Al

Because I will lose!

Riley

Oh, with that attitude, you will.

Al

No, with this body, I will.

Riley

Fight me, or I'll call your sister names.

Al

Okay. That's it!

Riley

Yeah, man, this is my therapy. When I get mad, I do this. When I'm sad a little of that. When I don't know how to feel, a little bit of that.

Al

Fine. If you insist, I will give it a try.

Riley

All right, step into my office. Here we go. Show me what you got. Harder. Harder!

Al

I don't want to hurt you.

Riley

Oh, you're serious?

Al

Now I kind of want to hurt you.

Lizzie

You got screwed on the financing.

Riley

Stop trying to ruin this.

Art

Riley, pipe down, will you? I want to hear what she has to say.

Riley

Why are you listening to her?

Art

Because she's good with numbers. You're good with shapes. Go ahead.

Lizzie

The interest rate increases up to 20% after 6 months.

Riley

Yeah, that's fine. It's the same deal I got on my truck, and I'm not having any problem making payments.

Art

Wait, you're still paying on that? It's been like 3 years.

Riley

Yeah. And in 3 more, it's all mine.

Art

I thought you got a great deal on that thing.

Riley

I did! The guy who sold it to me even said I was the toughest negotiator he ever-- Son of a bitch.

Art

I'm gonna go down to that dealership and let 'em have it. I mean, taking advantage of an immigrant and a moron? That ain't right.