Hazel quotes from United States of Al

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Hazel

Nah, too flashy.

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Hazel

It's simple. Monday is the first day of junior high. All the other kids are gonna be trying to get noticed right away, which I think we can agree is a fatal mistake.

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Hazel

What? That was cold.

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Is Michael Jordan in this game?

Hazel

What? He's like 100 years old.

Hey. Who's playing?

Not Michael Jordan.

You good?

Oh, very good.

Good.

Hazel, you should stand up when your grandfather enters the room.

Hazel

Why?

As a sign of respect.

Hazel

What if you don't have legs?

Hazel, an elder is wise. Much like the rings on a tree, the wrinkles on your grandfather's face are the mark of experience and wisdom.

Hazel

What if you're tied to the chair?

Stop finding loopholes.

You guys are messing with me.

Hazel

Uncle Al says we have to stand because you're old.

No, no, no, Mr. Art. That is not what I meant. You are still very young. Mashallah. Not even a single bud from a thousand flowers of your life has blossomed yet.

Hazel

You just said he was wrinkled.

I did not say that.

Hazel

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Hazel

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Calm down.

Hazel

Grampy, can you get me some juice?

Sure.

Mr. Art, please wait. She is the one who should be getting you juice.

I don't want juice.

Doesn't matter. She needs to know her place in the family. She should sit closest to the kitchen so that if anyone needs anything, she can happily run and get it for them. The order should be the youngest by the kitchen, then the parents, then the guest, then the elders.

Yeah, that's not gonna work. Puts me too far from the bathroom. What flavor?

Hazel

Grape, please.

Excellent choice. Pairs well with popcorn.

Hazel

Yes, you did.

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[Hazel drums the buckets with her drumsticks.]

Hazel

Never had a lesson.

BBrett

So, great. For fun, maybe you could try keeping a beat. Sort of.

[Brett drums the buckets with his hands.]

Hazel

That's what I was doing. But, okay.

BBrett

And, uh, Lizzie, can you give me sort of a...

[Brett vocalizes with his voice. Lizzie plays the keyboard with her hands.]

BBrett

Love it, love it. Okay. You guys ready to blow the lid off this dump? I'm sorry. It's actually, it's a lovely house. 1, 2, 3, 4!

[Brett plays the bass guitar, Lizzie plays the keyboard, and Hazel drums the buckets with her drumsticks. Hazel knocks down the buckets with her hands.]

Hazel

Whoo! Thank you, Columbus! We are Hazel and the Old People!

[final lines]