Art quotes from United States of Al

Art

Oh, that's not kale in there, is it?

Lizzie

Can we not have the kale conversation?

Art

I like iceberg.

Lizzie

I know.

Art

It knows what it is. It's not trying to be all fancy.

Lizzie

I know.

Riley

Check it out. Boom!

Art

Oh, on the ribs. Did it hurt?

Riley

Yeah.

Lizzie

Oh, my God. Why did you do that?

Riley

Because it's awesome.

Lizzie

Does she know about this?

Riley

No, it's a surprise.

Al

Big surprise.

Lizzie

Oh, dude, this may be the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Riley

No, it's romantic.

Lizzie

No, it's stupid. You're gonna freak her out.

Al

Why are you the enemy of romance?

Riley

I want her to know I'm crazy about her.

Lizzie

Well, she'll definitely get the crazy part.

Riley

You don't know her like I do.

Lizzie

She's cool, laid-back and independent.

Riley

Okay. You know her a little.

Lizzie

And this tattoo makes you look weird, desperate, and really clingy.

Riley

It does.

Art

Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Too bad. I liked her.

Riley

Okay, you guys are crazy. She's not gonna break up with me over a tattoo.

Art

Spilt milk, buddy. Let it go.

Al

I tried to talk him out of it.

Lizzie

Wild guess. Al's mom found out.

Art

Maybe we should give 'em a little space?

Lizzie

It's not like we're eavesdropping. We don't speak the language.

Art

Angry, disappointed parent? I am fluent. I thought I taught you better than this. I sacrificed so much. Why don't you just stab me in the heart?

Lizzie

You're talking about Riley, right?

Art

Oh, sweetie, I'm talking about the both of you.

Lizzie

Hey! What's going on?

Al

I just spoke with my mother.

Art

Really? How is she?

Al

I'm afraid my freewheeling lifestyle has come to a close. No need to lock up your daughters, America. They're safe now.

Lizzie

What happened?

Al

She says the only way to restore honor to our name is if she finds me a wife from a good family.

Lizzie

A wife?

Art

Can't you just do a bunch of Muslim Hail Marys or something?

Al

No, no, no, no. If your parents are not happy with you, Mr. Art, God is not happy with you.

Art

Are you listening to this?

Al

She already has someone in mind. Her name is Nasim.

Art

That's a pretty name.

Al

She was the neighborhood bully. When we were kids, she used to hold me down and spit on my face till I cried.

Art

Maybe I should arrange a marriage for you.

Lizzie

Go for it.

Art

Ooh. Called my bluff. Did not see that coming.