Do you think we should tell Janet we hate the dresses?
Um... she's nearly broken me twice this year, merely by looking at me funny.
Looking at your what?
S3 E6Dresses Dresses Dresses
BWBridal Woman
[Grabbing Janet in her dress around the waist and breasts] That dress is just womanliness gone mad!
Are you sure you're on commission, and not just coming onto me?
BWBridal Woman
You are stunning...
[Gaz is about to open the keg of beer]
Right, I'm gonna shove it in the hole, you catch what squirts out.
Don't use language like that, not in a male environment.
Jonny, d'you want some beer, or d'you want a big, fat smack?
[Sarcastically, in a 'Gay' voice] Well, it depends what you're gonna smack me with.
[Gaz and Jonny have just opened a keg of "beer"]
Whoa, blue beer! Maybe we're the first ones to see this, we've come across a secret formula
...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
No it can't be...it's a new type of beer this Jon, woo-hoo.
Well, drink it then!
Alright, I will!
[Gaz drinks the "blue beer" excitedly]
It's absolutely delicious!
Honest? Honest, is that beer? They must put the brown in afterwards!
[Jonny drinks the blue beer]
[after a beat] ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
I know, I thought we should die together.
We probably need an antidote round about now.
...Shall we get a pint, then?
S3 E7Fockin Mokky Bokka
[About the noisy scouser neighbours who kept them up all night] Four o'clock in the morning...
I know...
And... then they start shagging.
Yeah, You can't begrudge 'em that, it's every man's right.
Yeah, Gaz, it's every man's right to have sex, it's not everyone's right to go... [In high-pitched Liverpool accent] "BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY Oh, ta, that was sound, let's 'ave more Coke... BABY BABY BABY BABY..."
S3 E8Jammy Dodgers
I dreamt about a princess who was given a box of diamonds by a handsome prince one day and the next day he gave her a bag of spit that he'd sucked out of a cow - What do you think it means?
S4 E8Filthy Brunching
(Giving Janet advice on her sex life) Try doing something Kate never did for him
Ooh... well I do have an incredibly flexible twat.
When Janet Met Jonny
Hot pants from Tesco’s
AAll
mmm, mmm, mmm
That’s where we get our bestest clothes
AAll
yeah, yeah, yeah
I can get us in the place cause all the bouncers know my face.
But I’m not comin’ out , I’m stayin’ here.
And get really, wobbly on beer.
Just try a little brute for men, oh no it all got drank.
We all need a bosom, for a pillow or tit wank.
I've no need for a woman , when I’ve got my left hand.
Just a handy TUB of Vaseline and a picture of my gran.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.