[at the strip club]
Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
DDancer
Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.
S6 E5A Jock Strap in Hell
Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.
Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.
I told you it wasn't my fault.
Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.
Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?
Depends. Do they have a college prep program?
Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]
You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?
Yes, but not your own.
Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!
A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?
(In Church)
Why do you keep staring at me?
I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.
You miserable son of a bitch. I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body and you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage!
Yeah, my bad. So what's new?
Oh, you wanna catch up, sure, let's catch up, okay, let's see, um, okay, after you dumped me, I had a nervous breakdown.
Well, sure looks like you've bounced back.
And then after my breakdown, I got fired and blackballed from teaching.
Oh, bummer. So what are you up to now?
I'll tell you what I'm up to now, I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel, and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole late times a night.
Have you considered an athletic supporter?
Okay, well. Thanks for the update. Nice seeing you. Move, move move.
You ruined my life, Charlie Harper!
Righto, bye.
We didn't pay for the jockstrap.
Just keep walking.
[to Charlie] How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!
He drinks.
(In Church)
Why are you looking at me like that?
I just don't wanna miss it when you burst into flames.
S6 E6It's Always Nazi Week
Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.
They're fighting?
Yep. Thirty-one.
Thirty-one?
It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?
I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.
[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]
Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Other side.
Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?
Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.
Well, it worked out great.
Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?
No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.
Is that so?
Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?
[after seeing Jake's shoe stuck to the coffee table]
We need to get rid of the staple gun.
Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.
Judith [sobbing]: How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?
Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.
Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Yeah.
The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.
Uh-huh.
Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.
I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
I don't have an answer for you, Herb.
What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?
Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.
Wait in the car.
Give me the keys.
No!
Then how will I wait in the car?
Wait by the car.
I don't have sunscreen on. I'm very fair skinned.
Then wait under the car.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.