[While rummaging through stolen loot during a break-and-enter eating a cheese sandwich] The thing is, when you're shopping for a ring, you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian things. She's gotta have a nice ring.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You know Jim or Jim knows you?
CCop
Jim...Jim, my dad Jim?
Jim's your dad? Oh yeah...he mentioned he had a son on the force.
CCop
Yeah?
Yeah, him and my dad go way back!
[At the supermarket, the boys are wearing pantyhose masks, armed with various guns, robbing the store. The employees put their hands up.]
Everybody down!
This is a robbery!
Everyone keep calm! We don't want your money and we don't want to hurt anybody! We just want some food! Stop fuckin' around! Get in position!
[Trevor pumps his shotgun, Bubbles and Julian are stealing a bunch of hotdogs, and Cory and Trevor are stealing chip bags and bananas]
This is gonna be the best wedding ever, dude.
Holy shit. So cool.
What the fuck do you have so many bananas for, dude?
[Cut back to Julian and Bubbles stealing hotdogs, then to Cory and Trevor]
Fuck with the corkscrews and shit, man.
Fuck. Why are you always telling me what to do?
There are fuckin' bananas in the cart, dude. We don't want bananas at the wedding. No one eats bananas at the wedding.
[Meanwhile, Ricky wanders into the store to buy cigarettes and goes to the checkout line, where the cashier has their hands raised. Ricky doesn't seem to notice.]
Lose some smokes.
Hands up!
[Ricky pulls out his pistol and fires it at Cory, sending the cashier diving for cover and triggering a shootout. Trevor fires his shotgun, while Bubbles fires his Uzi]
Holy fuckin' Jesus! What the fuck have they doing?
[Trevor continues to fire his shotgun and Cory is firing his pistol]
Put your gun down! It's us! It's us!
Julian!
Stop shooting, you dicks!
What the fuck's going on here?! I just came here for smokes! What the hell's going on?!
Sorry, dude, man, we didn't know.
[to Julian] You're stupid, [to Cory and Trevor] you're stupid, [to Bubbles] you're a fuckin' idiot.
The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!
You could've killed me over there! The fuck?!
Ricky, shut up! [points to the surveillance camera] Ricky!
Oh, for fuck sakes! [shoots the surveillance camera]
[Outside the supermarket, the boys are frantically loading their looted groceries into their truck. Police sirens can be heard in the distance.]
Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!
Out of the way, dudes.
Aw shit. [picks up a bag of chips]
I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.
Get in the truck, Ricky!
[Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck]
Come on, move!
Retarded. What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!
I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.
Fuck off, boys!
I have to get the cart in!
Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!
Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!
Leave the cart!
[Ricky throws the cart away]
Come on!
Get in the fuckin' truck! GET IN!
Jesus Christ!
Get in!
You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are FUCKIN' DUMB!
Ricky, would you calm down?
No, I'm not gonna calm down, Julian!
Calm down!
I'm pissed off! [points to Bubbles] I'm pissed off at you, [points to Cory and Trevor] and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!
Ricky.
Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.
I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!
Ricky! Would you--
I'm gettin' married tomorrow!
Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!
[crying] Can everyone just please stop it?
Oh, look what--You're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!
I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.
Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do? Go to EI and say, "Hello there, I've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and I've been doing it for 18 years...so give me a fuckin' check, please." That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI, whatever the fuck they call it these days.
Oooh, nice Mall Cop uniform, Ricky!
Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey. I'm not in the mood.
I beg your pardon. I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall Cop like you, Rick.
Knock knock.
Who's there, Rick?
Somebody.
Somebody who?
Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor 'cause you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on you from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life! Now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!
[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]
What are you guys doing?
We're helping Sam.
Yeah, man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.
You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.
And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.
He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.
Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now. Get rid of these stupid signs, you dummies.
[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers and throws the sign]
[Jim Lahey gets on the podium to make his speech]
Test...[microphone feedback]...test...test...
DDonnie
GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU DRUNK BASTARD!
[Jim's courage falters, but a moment later, Randy shows up to give his support]
Who in this park - or even, who in the whole world - doesn't have problems? Who doesn't have a drink too many times once in a while, and maybe even winds up passed out in their own driveway pissing themselves, huh? I'm being serious. Or who doesn't have a--a little puff from time to time? Or who doesn't have problems [looks at Randy] with the people they love? Randy...everybody...now I apologize for my neglect of the things that are most important to me. I'm sorry...I'm sorry. 'Cause this park...is the most important thing in my life, and it always will be, and so will all of you! 'Cause this is our home. This is our COMMUNITY! ...I'm Jim Lahey, and I am your trailer park supervisor. Thanks for coming...Randy...everybody.
[Randy starts clapping. Everyone else gathered also erupts into cheers and applause.]
[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt-to-the-ground shed]
Oh, I think that's yours, Ricky. Stupid f... [trying to hold back tears] stupid fucking dope plants!
They're not dope plants, they're just...some vegetables we were growing.
Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' believe that, Ricky.
[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]
Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fucking bubble maker! That was the only thing I had that my parents gave me before they fucking deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big, melted fuckin' blob of shit!
You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.
[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]
SLSam Losco
What the fuck?
All right, arsehole, clean up this fuckin' garbage!
SLSam Losco
Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call animal control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep!
Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[Bubbles swings a pair of nunchucks at Sam]
TTanya
Have you read the Bible?
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?
HHampton
Can you read, my son?
Well, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?
I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.
[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]
Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?
Come on. This is getting ridiculous.
Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.
Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.
That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either, 'til you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.
Okay, boys. Rule number one: no living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.
Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about, you know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for twelve dollars a month, you know'm sayin'? That makes this muhfucka an income property, you know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this muhfucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma', you know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' muhfucka go on, 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.
[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-Roc's hand]
That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!
Oh, hang on.
[J-Roc leans his ear to Randy's gut]
Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go? You know'm sayin'?
Order me some too, man!
[Bubbles laughs]
Talking to his gut like it's a person.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Trailer Park Boys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.