Simon Pegg, Nicola Sturgeon and others in “Unfinished Business”

Where am I? What's this all about?

Let me tell you a story, Mr. Pegg, about a wee girl who loved Star Trek, and was thrilled that amongst those boldly going where no man had gone before was a Scot. A Scot so Scottish he was called Scottie! And then she discovered that James Doohan was about as Scottish as Dolly Parton and he was, in fact, from Vancouver!

That's in Canada.

Thank you, wee Mhairi. Fast forward 30 years, and I hear they're doing a reboot. Surely this time Scottie will be portrayed by a fine Caledonian, but no - the role goes to a poncey Sassenach from Gloucestershire, who thinks that porridge is made with milk and sprinkled with sugar!

What do you want from me?

I want you to call your wee friend JJ and tell him you're retiring from the role. And then you're going to call your wee, wee friend Tom Cruise and tell him that he's going to star in a film that I've written.