Ianto Jones quotes from Torchwood

Ianto

Pizza's arrived – thought it would be another late night.

Owen

What did you get?

Ianto

The usual. Meat feast.

Owen

Lovely.

Owen

So the protein chains are regenerating despite the mutilations, so not only is it replenishing its own flesh, but it's increasing it, giving them a brand new meat supply.

Gwen

It would last them for years, then.

Toshiko

If we understood how worked, we could feed the world!

Ianto

We could release a single.

Rhys

Well if you stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showin' off...

Do I show off?

Ianto

Just a bit.

Rhys

...You'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy! So rather than "cock things up", I found you a way to get in! But if you can't handle that, big boy, then you can stuff it!

Jack

This is quite homoerotic.

Jack

[talking about the alien] We're going to save it. Stabilize it, wait for the rift to open, and, fwooh, send it back.

Ianto

...And guess who'll have to look after it in the meantime?

Ianto

I think Jack brought that in.

No, I'm pretty sure Adam found it on an excavation a few months back.

Ianto

I'll have a look in the diary. I like to log the interesting stuff.

You write about artifacts in your diary?

Ianto

Among other things. [winks]

Jack

Now I have to help you all go back. Find a memory that defines you, rediscover who you are. If I'm wrong, he will still be here when we've done this. [turns off computer screen] Let me take you back to before we all met. [turns off lights] Feel around for anything that makes you what you are. The hidden and the forgotten. Tell me where you are.

Gwen

College canteen. Rhys is sitting opposite me telling stupid jokes.

Owen

It's my birthday, ten. My mum spends the whole day screaming, ‘I love you because you're my son but that doesn't mean I have to like you.'

Maths club. There's something so reliable about maths. Always the right answer.

Ianto

Meeting Lisa. Falling in love. I never felt so alive.

Owen

Turned sixteen, she packs my bags. That is the nicest thing you've done for me in years mother.

Gwen

Kissing in the supermarket. The look on his face.

My first flat. I don't have a flat warming – there's no one I want to invite.

Ianto

Losing Lisa. Like the world had ended.

Gwen

The way he looks at me sometimes, as if he's scared of what he feels for me. I love him [turns to Jack] but not in the way I love you.

Jack

[to Gwen] Take this [Gwen takes the retcon pill]

Knowing there has to be more to life than this, knowing I'm special, waiting for someone to see it.

Jack

I saw it [gives her a pill]

Owen

You save one life, a hundred lives but it's never enough. Who will save me?

Jack

I will [gives him a pill]

Ianto

Coming here, it gave me meaning again. [Turns to Jack] You. [Jack kisses his forehead then gives him a pill]

Jack

[to everyone] You each have a short-term amnesia pill. It will make you forget Adam. We have to wipe out the last 48 hours from our memories. Go back to who we were.

[Switches the screen on to look at Adam in his cell] I'm going to lose so much.

Jack

None of it was real.

He loved me and I loved him. It's no different from real memories.

Jack

He forced it on you. You have to let it go

[Takes her pill, then looks at the screen] Goodbye Adam.

Jack

Oh, by the way, I found your diary.

Ianto

Ah, yes, I've been looking for that. [starts to walk away]

Jack

And for the record, measuring tapes never lie.

Ianto

[quietly] Fuck.

Ianto

Jack? Your V.I.P guest is here.

Gwen

I didn't know we were expecting anyone. [The rest of the team turn towards the entrance to the Hub]

Jack

On a dark night in Cardiff, I hear the song of a nightingale.

Martha

So, Jack asked me if I could get you a UNIT cap to wear.

Ianto

Did he? Well, red is my colour.

Martha

So, am I right in thinking that you and he...

Ianto

We... dabble.

Martha

Yeah?

Ianto

Yeah.

Martha

So what's his "dabbling" like?

Ianto

Innovative.

Martha

Really!

Ianto

Bordering on the avant-garde.

Martha

Wow.

Ianto

Oh yeah. [He smiles a little distantly]

Ianto, what have you done with Billy Davis's body?

Ianto

Um, I was just about to dispose of it, why?

I thought of a way we can use him to get us into the Pharm. [Shows something on screen] Clever, huh?

Ianto

Oh, you are warped on the inside. How do you think of these things?

I'll take that as a compliment.

Ianto

I always loved Tintin.

Owen

Yeah, well you would, wouldn't you? And he never had a girlfriend, did he? Just the dog, so I reckon he was actually shagging the dog.

Gwen

Meanwhile, back at Torchwood...

Ianto

You okay?

Owen

[snidely] What do you think? I bet you're loving this, aren't you? It's like you've finally won.

Ianto

I didn't realize we were in a competition.

Owen

Oh, come on! Even Tosh had more of a life than you used to. And now you're always out on missions, you're shagging Jack, and I'm stuck here making the coffee!

Ianto

[defensively] It's not like that. Me and Jack.

Owen

Yeah, yeah... You and Jack. Gwen's getting married, Martha's got her bloke - God, even Tosh had Tommy! This is really shit!

Ianto

We've all gone through shit. I've seen you dissect alien corpses, I've seen you save so many lives. Are you really going to let this beat you?

Owen

We've been monitoring Parker for ages, nothing to be scared of, is there?

Ianto

[uncomfortable pause] Unlike, say... Tintin?

Owen

Okay, I never liked Tintin. [everyone smirks] What? He's weird! He's got a funny face. And his hair is just... it's horrible.

Ianto

I always loved Tintin.

Owen

Yeah, well you would. And he never had a girlfriend, did he? Just the dog, so I reckon he was actually shagging the dog. [gives a grin. Ianto looks at him in disgust]

Gwen

Okay, meanwhile, back at Torchwood...

Can I help you?

Ianto

I'm looking for a wedding dress for my friend.

Of course you are, sir. You'd be surprised, we're quite used to men buying for their... "friends".

Jack

[looking through a dress catalogue] Nope, like that one. Good choice.

Ianto

I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor; he could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold.

Jack

Ah, a family eye. Remind me to test it some time.

Ianto

Well, if later on-

Owen

[walking through the threshold] Jack!

Ianto

Yep, brilliant, like that one.