Captain John Hart quotes from Torchwood

Captain John Hart

[as a hologram, sarcastically] Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!

John

Did I mention I'm armed?

John

Oh, by the way, I found Gray.

John

Here's what's going to happen: everything you love, everything you treasure, will die. I'm gonna tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness, piece by piece. Starting now.

John

Good God!

Ianto

Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-clad celebrities.

John

There are children around!

Ianto

She's a children's TV presenter.

Jack

So, how was rehab?

John

Rehabs. Plural.

Jack

Drink, drugs, sex and ...?

John

Murder.

Jack

[laughs] You went to murder rehab?

John

I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?

Jack

[jokingly worried] You clean now?

John

[deadpan] Yeah, kicked everything, living like a priest.

Jack

You have to go, I don't want you on my territory.

John

What? Time was you couldn't get enough of me on your territory.

John

Ooh, you've got a team. How sweet.[looks at Tosh] Pretty friend. No blonde, though, you need a blonde.

Owen

God, he's worse than Jack.

John

Do you have a team name? I love team names. Go on!

Jack

Torchwood.

John

Oh, not Excalibur? Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.

Jack

[After introducing the team] Meet

John

Captain John Hart.

Jack

We go back.

John

Excuse me, we more than go back. We were partners.

Ianto

In what way?

John

In every way. And then some.

John

It was like having a wife.

Jack

You were the wife.

John

You were the wife...

Jack

No, you were the wife...

John

Oh, but I was a good wife!

I bet you were! [Gets a look off Owen] What, don't pretend you haven't noticed...he's cute.

John

You're just shy.

John

[lustfully] Oh, that's gorgeous.

Gwen

That's a poodle.

John

S'Nice!

John

Come on! Sing along! It's our song!

Jack

We don't have a song! And if we did have a song, it wouldn't be this song!

John

[deadpan] You're no fun!

Jack

What do you want?

John

I want you to know that I love you.

Jack

Funny way of showing it.

John

No, seriously. You have to understand. [turns around] I really do love you.

John

'Cause this is gonna get nasty.

John

You took your time!

Gwen

On your knees!

John

[sigh] Honestly, it's just sex, sex, sex, with you people.

Gwen

Now!