Top Gear · Season 14
[During their drive through the rainforest it begins to rain]
[into walkie-talkie] Hammond?
[through walkie-talkie Yeah?
How wet are you getting in this rain?
[cut to Richard who is soaking wet from the rain getting through the holes in his Land Cruiser]
[spits out water before replying with mock casualty] No, it's not bad actually.
[attempting to waterproof their cars] Right. These are condoms...
Do you two need some time to yourselves?
[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a very rocky dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to poor suspension, are battered and clattering]
[in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
[to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
[into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
[into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[Back in Richard's truck]
[desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
[Cut to Jeremy listening to Will Young's Grace on his iPod, perfectly comfortable]
[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]
James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.
[On the Road of Death, Jeremy with his eyes on a passing vehicle accidentally rams James despite being warned not to earlier on. Shaken and angry, James gets out with his machete and approaches Jeremy's car]
Sorry, I was...
[Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]
[fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!
[interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!
[In Richard's truck]
[casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.
[Back to James and Jeremy]
I was watching the taxi.
You weren't!
I was watching the taxi.
[Driving along the Road of Death in the dark, long since abandoned by Jeremy]
Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.
...What...?
...Please don't leave me.
[On crossing the Chilean border]
At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
[from within] MY ARSE!
[On crossing the Atacama Desert, which is devoid of all life]
Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!
I have a teddy bear. I've had it since the day I was born. One of its arms has fallen off, one of its eyes is missing, his head's come off more times than I can mention. To you it would be worthless junk, but to me it means everything, and it's the same story with this car.
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, the stupidest car in the world. A Vauxhall you might actually like. And who has won what in the Top Gear awards ceremony?
[On The Stig]
Some say that he has to take his shoes off with an Allen key. And that his new year's resolution is to eat fewer mice. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
We now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.
No, it's actually December, December 9th.
Yes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.
This is the past.
This fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]
The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]
[laughter from Jeremy and the studio]
So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out -- this year.
This year. This year.
Yes!
A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95, here it is.
Unless of course Saab went bust in the last two weeks.
Oh god, which is a real possibility!
Tell you what seriously, James, James, really. Do this two ways, we will edit it.
Yeah.
Cover yourself.
[cheerful tone] A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95. There it is [car shown on the monitor]. [solemn tone] A car I was looking forward to was the new Saab 95. [laughter] That's what it was going to look like. They say --
No, they said.
What?
They said.
Oh, yes. They say, or said, that it's based on a jet fighter, or was, but it isn't wasn't. [laughter] It's actually based on a Vauxhall. You can or could get three engines, or maybe you could get three engines. The best of which was or is a 2.8 litre V6. That will start at about ?25,000. It looks great.
You know what James, why haven't you got a Saab?
Because they've gone bust.
[while fastest Star in a Reasonably Priced Car Brian Johnson gives his acceptance speech in the monitor]
Thanks very much for this wonderful honour and for this fabulous trophy. [chuckles] You must have spent a fortune on this! [points to the trophy name plate] My name's Brian, not "Brain". And that's an ice hockey player on top of there, look, but never mind. This'll do me for now. So have a great time at Christmas and I'll see you soon, guys. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye.
Brain Johnson!
Well, I'm sorry.
That's the worst thing we've ever done.
It was cheap. It was cheap.
[During the Golden Cock Award]
There was the time when James May, whilst following the Range Rover camera car, somehow managed to lose sight of it for a moment and then start following an entirely different Range Rover. And he failed to notice for an hour that it didn't have a camera crew in it and was in fact nothing to do with Top Gear at all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
