Have we got anyone behind us? It's hard -
Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.
S14 E2November 22nd, 2009
Do you know what we've done? We've made something worse than a G-Wiz.
[Talking about a new F1 team, Manor Grand Prix from near Sheffield]
I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!
Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.
Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.
[About the British police thinking of using the Mitsubishi i MiEV]
Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!
[...]
I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."
[on a recent study that showed driving fast cars increased testosterone levels in males]
I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Where is this fizzing sen -
Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
Yeah.
So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.
[a member of the audience claims also to have James's "fizzing sensation"]
You have? Or do you just want to be on television?
Now. We have to just touch on something, don't we, before we go, because -
Whoa, no! No no, no, no no, no no no, gaaah.
[facepalming] The news has gone wrong this week.
[On the Stig]
Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.
Earlier on, we built an electric car called Geoff, and he was... a disaster. And I'm not one to apportion blame, but it was entirely James's fault.
[shouting over the noise of the diesel generator in Geoff Mk II]
So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
Jeremy However, before you can do that [offer a car for sale to the public], it must pass a series of stringent EU tests. So we took the Eagle Thrust to the motor industry's top-secret proving ground, just off the A5 between Atherstone and Hinckley, near Fenny Drayton.
[Attempting to get their home-made car road certified]
Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.
[The test is demonstrated on a Ford Fiesta, which is almost totally destroyed by the pendulum's impact]
Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.
DDirector
Action!
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
[The three run away from the car, backwards, and the pendulum is raised up and away from the car]
Tuo kool!
So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.
[The preceding sequence is played in reverse; the pendulum appears to fall towards the car]
[slurred] Look out!
[The pendulum appears to hit the car without doing any damage at all. The three presenters run towards it]
Wow?
Wow?
Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!
[commencing the "range test", with the Stig's vegetarian cousin at the wheel]
James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?
Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.
[we see Vegetarian Stig at the wheel, wreathed in a thick cloud of diesel generator exhaust]
So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.
Yeah.
[title card: THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER]
[the car is stopped and emergency crews are trying to revive Vegetarian Stig]
What's happened there is...
Well, the Stig's died.
[reading the issue of Autocar magazine in which the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust is reviewed]
Um... it says it the ride and handling section where they deal with things like the chassis, "that to all intents and purposes the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust has no ride or handling as such, instead it lurches around almost uncontrollably."
[audience laughs]
Oh, God Almighty. No, it gets worse. OK, they say that in the Highway Code, they say that the stopping distance from 70 miles an hour is 215 feet, but our car stopping from 30 miles an hour took 506... 549 feet.
[audience laughs]
Well, who's really going to do that in the real world?
It's ridiculous.
[reading] "The styling is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of sight."
[audience laughs]
########!
What do people who review cars actually know?
Exactly.
I mean, think about it for a minute: the car turns up, it's delivered, it's free, they haven't had to invest any money or time or any of that; they just drive it around for a bit, then they—
[scornfully] Car reviewers, hmph..
—write rubbish!
Anybody can criticize. Try making something and then reading things like: "Try to regain front end grip by braking and the fronts will simply lock, at which point you will crash." That could hurt sales!
S14 E3November 29th, 2009
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight: James wears a stripey jumper. Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.