Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons
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[Shedding weight from the cars]
James: [Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
James: Thanks, awfully.
James: [Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
James: Thanks, awfully.
[shouting over the noise of the diesel generator in Geoff Mk II]
Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
James: Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
James: Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Nissank"]
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.
[Showing the slogan painted on his Lexus Police Car]
James: Catching crims and locking them up...in your community.
James: Catching crims and locking them up...in your community.
[sitting in a rented VW Golf in Germany, waiting to be struck by artificial lightning]
Richard: My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.
Richard: My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.
[speaking over a bull horn to the men of the D5481]
Jeremy: The Pantheon, the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China. Each a shining beacon of mans ambition and today the D5481 will join that list. We shall build this road in a day, our resurfacing work will last for a thousand years!
Jeremy: The Pantheon, the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China. Each a shining beacon of mans ambition and today the D5481 will join that list. We shall build this road in a day, our resurfacing work will last for a thousand years!
[speculating on Richard's and James' reaction to Jeremy's upturned Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
Richard: [shouting] Nice work!
Jeremy: No, they're going to be a couple of.
[Richard has just recovered the seats of his Alfa with Jeremy's jacket]
Jeremy: Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
Richard: [shouting] Nice work!
Jeremy: No, they're going to be a couple of.
[Richard has just recovered the seats of his Alfa with Jeremy's jacket]
[speculating on the future-classic value of the Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.5-16 Cosworth]
Richard: Tempted? Well, if you are, you're best off going for one in black or silver with an automatic gearbox. Which is why I'm driving a pink one with a manual box. Obviously.
Richard: Tempted? Well, if you are, you're best off going for one in black or silver with an automatic gearbox. Which is why I'm driving a pink one with a manual box. Obviously.
[speculating on the survey responses that led a Toyota marketing survey to imply that 28% of Europeans want their cars to make them feel ill]
Richard: That doesn't seem - "Oh, I love my Mondeo because every time I start the engine it gives me scurvy, and that's a good thing in my life!"
James: "I chose Porsche because it brings on rectal prolapse."
Richard: That doesn't seem - "Oh, I love my Mondeo because every time I start the engine it gives me scurvy, and that's a good thing in my life!"
James: "I chose Porsche because it brings on rectal prolapse."
[Standing in front of the Bugatti and Zonda]
James: Now, I believe the done thing at this point is to have a drag race. So if nobody objects, we'll have one... [pauses] with these two. I will be in the Zonda, and the Veyron will be driven by the Stig... who wasn't here earlier.
James: Now, I believe the done thing at this point is to have a drag race. So if nobody objects, we'll have one... [pauses] with these two. I will be in the Zonda, and the Veyron will be driven by the Stig... who wasn't here earlier.
[Starting off the car vs. plane race]
James: Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.
Jeremy: So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.
James: Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.
Jeremy: So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.
[Starting Range Rover Sport vs. Challenger 2 Face-off]
Jeremy: So here we are on the start line: Goliath and David... Beckham.
Jeremy: So here we are on the start line: Goliath and David... Beckham.
[starting the news]
James: And now the news. And I'm afraid it's very bad; Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.
Jeremy:[as he sits down] I have NOT got a cold, I've got bird flu.
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: I have. I am now living breathing proof, soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.
Richard: Wow... but hey, this means it's just one step away from humans.
James: And now the news. And I'm afraid it's very bad; Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.
Jeremy:[as he sits down] I have NOT got a cold, I've got bird flu.
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: I have. I am now living breathing proof, soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.
Richard: Wow... but hey, this means it's just one step away from humans.
[starting the news]
James: Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...
Richard: [walking on] God, he is such a child.
James: Yeah, where is he anyway?
Richard: I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...
Jeremy: [from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...
[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]
[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]
Richard: You ah, you wearing that for a bet?
Jeremy: Yeah. Aaah, anyway...
James: Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...
Richard: [walking on] God, he is such a child.
James: Yeah, where is he anyway?
Richard: I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...
Jeremy: [from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...
[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]
[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]
Richard: You ah, you wearing that for a bet?
Jeremy: Yeah. Aaah, anyway...
[Starting up the show]
Jeremy: Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem: neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's. Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...
Jeremy: Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem: neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's. Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...