Top Gear quotes
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[Richard Hammond explaining the name of the Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst]
Richard: This car is Australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race. Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fistfight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.
Richard: This car is Australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race. Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fistfight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.
[Richard Hammond has set fire to his motor home while trying to cook part of a three-course meal, and it has spread rapidly after failing to extinguish it]
Jeremy: He's actually set fire to metal, how's he done that?!
Jeremy: He's actually set fire to metal, how's he done that?!
[Richard Hammond is talking to a number of radio stations near Middlesbrough about himself when he should've publicised the car art exhibition in the Mima gallery, Jeremy Clarkson is listening to this while driving the art car to the Mima gallery and is hysterical with anger]
Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
Jeremy: You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
Jeremy: [mournfully] Dead.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: [indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard: [gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
James: [also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.
Jeremy: You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
Jeremy: [mournfully] Dead.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: [indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard: [gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
James: [also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.
[Richard has parked his car noiselessly and safely, and now it is Jeremy's turn. All is rather quiet until...]
Jeremy: [in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
Jeremy: [in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]
Richard: What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Jeremy: Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might-- I thought--
Richard: That's an AK-47.
Jeremy: I know. I thought I might need it.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
Richard: You're not a practical man, are you?
Richard: What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Jeremy: Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might-- I thought--
Richard: That's an AK-47.
Jeremy: I know. I thought I might need it.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
Richard: You're not a practical man, are you?
[Richard is first off the plane, but the others don't follow him]
Richard: YOU BASTARDS!
James: [to Jeremy, who's in front of him] Did you stall?
Jeremy: [feigning innocence] Yes, I did!
[a little later, after a rush from the landing plane]
Jeremy: Did you make it?
Richard: I'm alive! I'm hiding in a big shed!
Richard: YOU BASTARDS!
James: [to Jeremy, who's in front of him] Did you stall?
Jeremy: [feigning innocence] Yes, I did!
[a little later, after a rush from the landing plane]
Jeremy: Did you make it?
Richard: I'm alive! I'm hiding in a big shed!
[Richard is helping a dog out of it's harness]
Richard: In the meantime, we'd cleared Bathurst Island. But the brutal pace was starting to fray my temper.
[he hands Matty the harness]
Matty: Thanks. Did you want to see if it fits? We need a new lead dog...
Richard: [menacingly] Well, you could try, but there's nobody else here, and I have a shovel. I wouldn't.
Richard: In the meantime, we'd cleared Bathurst Island. But the brutal pace was starting to fray my temper.
[he hands Matty the harness]
Matty: Thanks. Did you want to see if it fits? We need a new lead dog...
Richard: [menacingly] Well, you could try, but there's nobody else here, and I have a shovel. I wouldn't.
[Richard's seat has fallen over while negotiating the Hammerhead]
James: Regain control of the cottage!
James: Regain control of the cottage!
[Richard's Triumph Dolomite Sprint has just failed the handbrake test, nearly running him over as it rolls freely backward down the slope]
Richard: Ah! That's not gone well.
[The Dolly Sprint crashes into the 33.3% Grade sign at the bottom of the slope]
Richard: Sorry! Sorry, that's gone badly wrong. It's gonna come - sorry!
James: [looking on with Clarkson and laughing] Having failed the handbrake test, he's knocked down the sign warning him how steep the hill is.
James: [voiceover] Still, every cloud and all that...
Richard: Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.
Richard: Ah! That's not gone well.
[The Dolly Sprint crashes into the 33.3% Grade sign at the bottom of the slope]
Richard: Sorry! Sorry, that's gone badly wrong. It's gonna come - sorry!
James: [looking on with Clarkson and laughing] Having failed the handbrake test, he's knocked down the sign warning him how steep the hill is.
James: [voiceover] Still, every cloud and all that...
Richard: Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.
[Richard's van is sinking and James' car is stuck in weeds]
Richard: Did you want tea or coffee?
James: Tea, please mate.
Richard: Did you want tea or coffee?
James: Tea, please mate.
[Richards Alfa Romeo Spyder can be heard failing to start with him looking over at the engine]
Richard: Begin!
[Jeremy can be heard laughing while the spyders engine starts dying]
Richard: Now!
Richard: Begin!
[Jeremy can be heard laughing while the spyders engine starts dying]
Richard: Now!
[riding in the tow car on a single-carriageway country road]
Richard: Oh, I've just seen the queue [behind them] as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!
Richard: Oh, I've just seen the queue [behind them] as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!
[riding the Black Shadow]
Richard: I am now straddling my boyhood hero! No, no, wait. That's not right, no. Between my legs... No.
Richard: I am now straddling my boyhood hero! No, no, wait. That's not right, no. Between my legs... No.
[Seeing James arriving on the scene with an AA truck, complete with the Lamborghini Urraco strapped to the truck's bed]
Jeremy: James had bought an AA truck! [Jeremy and Richard began to dissolve into laughter, as James hops off from the truck] James, we told you to buy a mid-engined, Italian supercar, not a truck.
Jeremy: James had bought an AA truck! [Jeremy and Richard began to dissolve into laughter, as James hops off from the truck] James, we told you to buy a mid-engined, Italian supercar, not a truck.