Top Gear quotes

Jeremy

Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...

Richard

[very calm thus far] Oh, right.

Jeremy

[reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.

Richard

[frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?

Jeremy

You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...

Richard

She said that? She sounds all right!

Jeremy

Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.

Richard

It's a modern world, that's all right.

Jeremy

But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?

Richard

Not really, no...

Jeremy

The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.

Richard

Broadmoor?

Jeremy

He's getting out soon and he wants to know-

Richard

But he could be watching now! Shut up!

Jeremy

[Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'

Richard

No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?

James

Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.

Richard

I don't like that.

Jeremy

Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!

Jeremy

(Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"

Jeremy

Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

Jeremy

Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.

James

[talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?

Jeremy

Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.

James

I approve of those.

Jeremy

Why?

James

Because I'm a motorcyclist.

Jeremy

What's that got to do with it?

James

There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.

Jeremy

It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?

James

The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]

Jeremy

Why is there no numberplate?

James

I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.

Richard

'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.

James

So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.

Jeremy

Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?

Richard

Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...

Jeremy

Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.

Richard

Oh! Ooh no!

Jeremy

It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...

Jeremy

Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.

Yes, Shell.

Jeremy

Middle Management?

Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.

Jeremy

Okay...

...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?

Jeremy

Yeah.

Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?

Jeremy

Yeah?

Buy some petrol. Job done.

Jeremy

They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.

An hour? That's more than I make in a week!

Richard

James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.

James

That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.

James

[to a pizzaboy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizzaboy of the apocalypse, are you?

Jeremy

This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!

Richard

I love it, I think this is the big one.

Jeremy

Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!

Richard

[While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.

Richard

[While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!

Richard

[While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] I would sell my house, buy one of these and live in a tunnel. [...] Welcome to the Dark Side!

Richard

Welcome to the coolest thing in the entire world, a boat...If Darth Vader was a pirate, this would be his ship.