A character in Top Gear
Played by Richard Hammond
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)
Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
RichardI like it.
I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
RichardNo, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Oh good, a train!
RichardNice, that's nice.
Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
It's alright. It's romantic.
RichardDon't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
How do I "Release The Excrements"?
RichardOhhhh... you're so on your own with that job!
[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
No.
Coconut milk?
No.
Green curry paste?
No.
Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
It had some potatoes.
Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Oh God. Uh, Richard!
RichardWhat?
Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
RichardNo. Why?
[outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
Tea towel in water.
[inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
RichardNo, I used it all on my hair.
Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.
[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]
All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
Richard...I think "well."
[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
RichardNo, absolutely not.
I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
RichardDo you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?
[voiceover] So we weren't looking forward to our holiday and if I'm honest we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.
We've done fifty-two miles.
RichardThat's it?
Yeah.
We've been on the road for three and a quarter hours and you've done fifty-two miles? You had my hand up.
No, you put your hand next to the gear stick, I've got to change gear.
There's no way...
Richard[interrupting] STOP FIGHTING IN THE FRONT! We've got a long way to go!
[voiceover] It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia, but because we were caravanning, we could do what caravanners do: pull over at the side of the road and have a spot of lunch. [cut to the trio eating lunch at the side of the motorway]
[sarcastically] Tell you what, this is peaceful!
Richard[to Jeremy] Pork pie?
What?
RichardPORK PIE!
[The trio are departing a petrol station, having pulled in to clean up after Top Gear Dog]
The dog's not gonna be sick again, is it? The smell's not good.
RichardNo, I don't... I just don't want to...
[There is a loud crashing sound, and the car suddenly jerks to a halt]
What the hell?!
RichardThat's bad.
[James gets out, followed by Jeremy and Richard, and they see that the caravan has crashed into a metal bollard]
You...!
RichardIt's pretty poor, mate. It's pretty poor.
Caravanning, James. Something you were looking forward to.
RichardWell, let's watch it come off. [James gets in the car, and starts reversing, causing even more damage to the caravan] Back. SLOWLY! SLOWLY! Back!
[voiceover] Our caravanning trip wasn't going well. In fact, it was even starting to strain the bonds of our friendship. ["James May mobile number 07848 687959" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]
[During the news]
RichardBut if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?
Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."
What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.
Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.
RichardThey did.
We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...
RichardYeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.
A hundred and fifty complaints. :[Crowd laughs]
RichardSeriously.
A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.
RichardThey are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.
No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!
RichardYou're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.
You should feel it go stiff now.
Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?
RichardOh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.
How hard can it be to build a kit car?
RichardWell, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.
And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!
Jiggle it.
RichardI'm jiggling like a bugger.
[During the news]
I had a family outing this week, in my Ford GT! Took my son to the Fairford Air Show in Gloucestershire.
RichardAnd?
It's still there. [laughter] Rev limiter decided that it didn't want to let the engine rev beyond six hundred rpm. Which isn't much.
[Richard and James are talking about the Rolls-Royce 101EX's ceiling, which has lots of little lights on that look like stars]
[from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!
RichardOh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!
[on the 101EX's "bling" features, like the aforementioned pinlight headliner, the glass Spirit of Ecstasy, and the carbon fiber body details]
[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]
So, um, I guess he could be dead!
Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
RichardI may have... have overcooked that a bit.
...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
