Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?

Richard

Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?

Jeremy

[Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.

Jeremy

[My road boat].

Richard

Help! I'm trying to get up the hill. Haha!

Richard

Wait! I've died, I've died!

Jeremy

Goodbye!

Richard

Did you want tea or coffee?

James

Tea, please mate.

Jeremy

I've got a spare outboard.

Richard

You are joking.

Jeremy

I have. How much will you give me?

Richard

A million pounds!

Jeremy

A million?

Richard

And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?

Jeremy

Hammond, how much?

Richard

For what?

Jeremy

A lift.

Richard

I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.

Richard

Jeremy?

Jeremy

Yes?

Richard

I've come up with a problem.

Jeremy

You have... you owe me a million pounds!

Jeremy

It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything... it's just that, for going home tonight, James won't be using the Herald [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch has gone. Richard won't be using that [points to the "Dampervan"] because it was ruined in the accident. Whereas, because I bought a Hilux [points at Toybota] - and, as we know, from here [indicates the Hilux] - they are indestructible, I shall be driving this home! So, um...

Richard

Yes, alright.

Jeremy

Yes, thank you all very much for watching. It's been a...[Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]

Richard

Oh ha ha ha! You have broken the 'indestructible'... ha ha ha. It's not working.

Richard

My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.

Jeremy

Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?

James

The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.

Richard

You're scaring me, mate...

James

And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.

Richard

Stop talking now!

James

And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.

Richard

(to Jeremy) Does genuinely scare me.

Jeremy

If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

Richard

I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"

Richard

Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.

Jeremy

You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!

Richard

Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.

Jeremy

Mmm?

Richard

It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.

Richard

Sixty miles an hour!

James

[tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!

Richard

D'you know what? This is rubbish.

James

Terrible.

Jeremy

This is the safest car ever made.

Richard

I've got a scar!

James

Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.

Jeremy

The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.

Richard

You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!

James

Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.

Jeremy

How safe's that?!

Richard

Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?

James

Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?

Jeremy

Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!