Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Richard

Is it an automatic or a manual?

Jeremy

It's witchcraft! That's what it is.

Jeremy

A thousand horse power!

Richard

That is an astonishing amount of power.

Jeremy

You'll go from nought to the grave in 4 seconds. Boof! I'm dead. I accelerated... Dead.

Richard

They did suffer a few problems, I mean it was with stuff like the paintwork. Interior trim, bit rattly. Engines, they can be a problem.

Jeremy

Yeah, the 4-litre.

Richard

And the 4.6.

Jeremy

And the diesel.

Richard

All the engines.

Jeremy

It's in the script I should argue with you, but I'm not going to because I love that car. Anyway, that's it for this evening, and--

Richard

Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because--

Jeremy

It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?

Richard

Things I wish I'd never said...

Jeremy

I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -

Richard

Eh?!

Jeremy

I was shot.

Richard

At last!

Jeremy

Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -

Richard

What with?

Jeremy

[casually] An AK-47.

Jeremy

I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!

Richard

Oh, well done! Well done!

Jeremy

And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."

Jeremy

I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?

James

No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.

Jeremy

So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...

Richard

Yes.

Jeremy

... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...

Richard

Yes.

Jeremy

Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?

Richard

But it is a turbo.

Jeremy

Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?

Richard

Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -

Jeremy

You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.

Yes.

Richard

They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"

James

What would you say if I said, Perodua Kelisa?

Richard

Made In China.

Jeremy

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?

Richard

I have, yes.

Jeremy

And what happened when you drove this car?

Richard

Well, I crashed it, technically.

Jeremy

Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.

Richard

Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.

James

Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.

Jeremy

They said they were going to make a space shuttle...

James

Yes, a space station.

Jeremy

Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.

James

The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.

Richard

And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.

Richard

I think this reliability index, gets a bit weak here. Third most reliable make of car...Fiat. [audience laughs] I mean then it's got you know Honda, Volkswagen, Mercedes, Toyota, BMW, Volvo, all the people you'd expect, but in third place, Fiat?

Jeremy

What have they got as being the most unreliable?

Richard

Well this is good fun, because according to them the second least reliable make, least reliable make is....Subaru! Where did it go wrong? They're the most reliable cars imaginable!

Jeremy

This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.

Richard

You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...

Jeremy

I presume there's no wife involved in this.

Richard

No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.

Jeremy

Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?

Richard

Yeah!

Jeremy

OK. Here it is.

Richard

... That's the old Mondeo.

Jeremy

No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!

Richard

Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.

James

It's got a new radio, hasn't it.

Jeremy

It has got a new radio.

James

Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.

Jeremy

So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -

James

Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?

Jeremy

I wonder how many they've got?

Richard

Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.