The Young Ones quotes

Hello, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan

Piss off!

That's no way to talk to your mother, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan

Alright then... piss off, Mum!

That's better.

Vyvyan

What d'you want?

Well, what're Mums for?

Vyvyan

I dunno, having babies?

Don't be so sexist, Vyvyan! (twists the crotch of his jeans.)

Vyvyan

(gasps in pain) I'm sorry, Mum.

No, I heard you was ill so I bought you a present.

Vyvyan

The last present you gave me was a box of matches.

That was a joke.

Vyvyan

I was only eight weeks old... well, what've you bought me this time?

A bottle of vodka.

Vyvyan

(smiles) Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Mum! (tips the bottle and nothing comes out.) This is empty.

Ha! Ha! Up yours, ugly!

Dear me, what a... what a ghastly smell!

Neil

Yeah, that's Vyvyan, Mummy. He's going to be a doctor.

Vyvyan

How d'you do!

Oh, fascinating! I think I'm going to be sick.

Now why couldn't you be in one of those nice situation comedies that your mother likes. Like, uh, what's the thing called...?

Vyvyan

Grange Hill!

Yes! That's the one.

So that's settled. We'll organise a protest against school uniforms!

Great! We can use the banners left over from the last protest we organised, so that racism wouldn't be an issue in this school.

Good idea. I'll get Mucka, Ducka, Trucka and Sucka, and you get Spaz.

But I am Spaz!

Oh. I better get him as well then. Come on!

Oh! Sorry, Mr. Liberal. We were just on our way to...

Now hang on you pair of scruffy tear-aways. Don't you realise that the way you act is influencing millions of children to talk Cockney and be insubordinate?

Oh, come on, sir. We're the only kids in Britain who never say f-

You must be joking! I don't watch that ghastly programme!

I'm sorry, my dear. It was my mistake. I meant The Good Life.

Oh, yes. That's the one.

Vyvyan

[Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!

Mike

That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.

Rick

Well you can stop now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well zip it up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!

Vyvyan

Rick, I just did!

Rick

Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!

Neil

And me, I love her too!

Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.

Vyvyan

Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!

Mike

Ah, well. Boing!

(Jumping) Boing!

Rick... Rick... this is the voice of your conscience speaking.

Rick

Zip it! Zip it!

Don't tell me to be shut, you spotty little bastard! I'm your conscience. You killed Neil, didn't you?

Rick

No! No! It wasn't me. It was, er, Vyvyan and Mike. They did it and I'm going to tell on them as well!

They didn't bloody well do it! It was you!

Rick

Oh, God! Whose side are you on?!

Not bloody yours, matey!

Rick

Get out of my head, pooh-hole!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Try and make me, farty breath!

Vyvyan

Rick, will you tell your conscience to shut it’s mouth?! I'm trying to get some sleep!

Vyvyan

Do you think ants go to discos?

Mike

Vyvyan, it has been proved that ants are highly intelligent with a well ordered society. The last thing they go to would be discos.

Vyvyan

Well, why's one of them wearing a silver boob tube then?

Mike

There's a very good reason for that.

Vyvyan

What?

Mike

You're talking crap.

Neil

[on his final exam] It was terrible. I sat in the big hall and put my packet of polos on the desk, and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and my extra pen, and my extra polos and my lucky gonk, and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cream cracker and three more gonks with a packet of polos in each, and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil, and my spare lead for my retractable pencil, and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks and the guy said "Stop writing please."!

Rick

Oh yes, Mike, your tutor asked me to tell you that if you don't start turning up to class next September, then he and the Dean are going to have to seriously reconsider your grant.

Mike

Well, you can tell my tutor that I've still got the photos of him and the Dean.

Mike

[Having just knocked out Neil with a cricket bat] What's a hippie worth then, a six?

Vyvyan

Six? It would have been worth six if you'd killed him, Mike. Let's call it two.

Mike

Fair enough.

Rick

Don't think I don't know exactly who drew that thingy-ma-jig on the back on my curriculum vitae.

Vyvyan

Well, they like to know what your hobbies are, Rick.

Rick

Well, all I can say Vyvyan, is that tiny things please tiny minds.

Vyvyan

Yeah, and with a thing that tiny you're gonna be hard put to please anything!

Neil

(holding a cake) Surprise!

Rick

(crawling with his back aflame) More of a shock really, Neil! It's not every day someone deliberately sets fire to you during a cricket match!

Mike

(extinguishes the fire on Rick's back) Shut up, Rick, no one's on fire. Neil, it's not often you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep running in here carrying a cake and yelling "Surprise!"?

Neil

Well, because it's my birthday, Mike.

Mike

Now, you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?

Vyvyan

Rick, Zip it up, or I'll tell everybody in this room that you've got an iron-on cartoon worm on the front of your Y-fronts that says "Girl Bait".

Rick

Oh! So you've been going through my Y-fronts, have you, Vyvyan? I suppose you fancy me, is that it?

Vyvyan

(looks genuinely panicked) Yes! As a matter of fact, I do, Rick! I really, really fancy you, and I wanna give you a big girly kiss on the bottom!

Vyvyan

Oh! Did I say "kiss you on the bottom?" Oh, beg my pardon, I meant to say "stick a pickaxe through your spinal column"!

Rick

I can't believe it. My parents... are dead.

Neil

You think that's bad...

Rick

Well yes I do actually! What's it to you piss-face?!

Neil

Oh no! I never knew I wore a wig. Eurgh!