GGod
Hello, I'm God. Well, you didn't expect me to be a woman, now, did you?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[As the boys are about to rob a bank with pistols]
Now whatever you do, don't go losing your heads and using them!
Why not, Mike?!
Yeah, why not? Those bank clerks didn't have to become bank clerks! They knew the risks when they took the job. Now let's just get in there and let 'em have it!
Rick, we can't do that, because if we do, there's a very good chance they'll discover that these are water pistols.
JBJersei Baloski
[Having smashed the window] Oh, look! Some sod broke your window. That's £18 you owe me.
[After a bank job. Everyone jumps into Vyvyan's car. But he drives it directly into a lamp-post.]
[hysterical] Oh, what have I done?! [sobs]
C'mon, Vyv, there's no time for that now.
My car! My beautiful, beautiful car!
Oh, no, it's the pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! [exits the car]
[to Rick] Yellow chicken!
[to Vyvyan, who's still crying] You've got to forget about your car, Vyvyan! Start life again without it. After all, you've still got S.P.G.
I don't think so, Michael. He was asleep on the radiator!
[S.P.G. is crushed on the grill of the car. Bagpipe music plays as he floats above the car wearing angel wings and a halo.]
SPS.P.G.
See you later, you little whimp.
[After the bus they were riding in has crashed to the bottom of a ravine]
GThe Guys
Phew! That was close!
[The bus explodes]
It's fantastic! The streets are completely filled with screaming children!
All for Cliff!
Well, not exactly, Neil... a bomb's gone off.
You mean you let a bomb off, Vyvyvan.
Look, what I had for breakfast is completely my own affair thank you, Michael.
Look, everyone, he's coming through the doors.
BRILLIANT! He didn't even open them!
We don't want you in the song anymore.
What? What?!
I simply said we don't want you in the song...
Yes, yes, yes, but why?
(From backstage) Because you're total and utter crap!
Don't do the song, right, I've got some really heavy news about Cliff that's gonna completely blow your mi... what's that smell?
RVRick & Vyvyan
Neil, go away!
[Audience awws.]
Don't patronise me, you bastards! Oh, yeah, let's all sit in rows and ruin Neil's evening!
What's the message, Neil?
Oh, yeah, the message about Cliff, right, er... Cliff's blown out the gig.
What? You mean he's... farted?
No, no, Cliff can't come.
Why?
He's doing time.
They put him in prison for farting?! Right on!
(Shouting backstage to Kate Bush) Back in a tickle, Katy baby! HA HA! I've just gotta do this number one song with Shaky Stevens. Right, good evening, bastards!
What d'you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!
CCliff
(singing) # Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. #
MVMike, Vyvyan, Rick, Neil
(singing) # fies my soul! #
"Fies my soul"?
Yes, "fies my soul". It's raunchy, Vyvyan.
Hey, Cliff! I've just invented a great new sound.
[Strange clicking noises are heard.]
Ow!
Untie Neil's legs, Vyvyvan.
CCliff
Settle down, chaps.
Neil, d'you wanna hear a great new joke?
Oh, yeah. Ok.
Rick, I'd get out of the way if you don't wanna get seriously hurt. Right, what d'you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?
I dunno, what do you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?
Get this, buster!
[He steps on a detonator and there's an explosion which appears to go horribly wrong as Vyvyan gasps in pain while holding his crotch.]
Oh, yeah. I get it. "Get this, buster!" Yeah, brilliant!
Is everyone happy? Vyvyan's whiffed out the theatre, blown his goolies off and you've stopped Cliff coming! Can we please just do the song?!
[While recording the flipside of the Living Doll record.]
Good morning, everybody. Let's make rock 'n' roll history.
Oh, no. He's found us.
Hey, great gag telling me the recording studio was in Wales!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.