Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
I don't know why you bother ever.
Why didn't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came; you do the cooking, I'll look after the plants and the goldfish.
Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
Er, sausages! It was a Tuesday.
Yeah, sausages and?
Sausages and plants and goldfish! Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.
I mean, come on guys, you can tell me, truthfully, do I smell?
Yes.
Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes?
We mean, yes you smell. Smelly!
[clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah.
[Rick is trying to commit suicide]
I feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you: nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic!
[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]
[upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!
I think I'm going up to my room for a bit!
[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]
This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]
And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]
PMPack of matches
Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.
[After the guys kill a loose sock]
Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!
We can't Mike.
Why not?
Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]
[Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
[Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
[Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
[grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!
[Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!
["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]
Cor! That was quick!
[They enter the launderette. Vyvyan's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyvyan points at the knickers.]
Oi!
[The knickers fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the launderette, choking and gagging]
I've told you a million times, do not exaggerate!
WMWashing Machine
[spits out the guys' dirty clothes] No way!
Oh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!
WMWashing Machine
[opens up] Phwoar!
Now!
[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open.]
Oh, what's the time?
Vyv, here's your chance. [Shows him his watch.] See the big hand there?
Yeah.
That's on the two, right.
Yep.
And the little hand is on that one there just before the twelve, now what's that one?
Eleven?
Perfectly excellent. So what's the time?
Er... half past five!
[Vyvyan sees a sign whilst on the train]
"Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?
[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
[The headless Vyvyan hastily pulls the communication cord, stopping the train.]
Oh, good heavens, what now?!
Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?
Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!
Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[On the tracks outside, Vyvyan's headless body is stumbling around, while his head shouts at him]
VSVyvyan's head
Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!
[At the TV studios, the guys walk past a guard.]
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
GGuard
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
GGuard
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
GGuard
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
It's my mascot!
GGuard
A pig?
No!
GGuard
It is.
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
GGuard
Looks exactly like a pig.
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
GGuard
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
PPig
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
GGuard
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
Scumbag College? So you finally made it.
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".
[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
Well, are you going to let us win?
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]
[The guys are now on University Challenge]
Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
AAudience
Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
SPS.P.G.
Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag! [Audience boo at Scumbag] See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [headbutts Teddy bear]
Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...
MLord Monty
Hello.
Lord Snot...
[Lord Snot gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Ms. Money-Sterling...
[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
KMKendal Mintcake
Hi!
And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...
Hello.
Prick... [A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name] Vyvyan... and Neil.
Vegetable rights and peace.
[The game begins.]
So, your starter for ten, no conferring. Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...
[Neil buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Neil.
Er, can I go to the toilet, please?
No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five-point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Monty.
MLord Monty
Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?
Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?
MLord Monty
Certainly, will £50 do?
Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
SLord Snot
Battle of Bannockburn!
Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]
Buzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.
Oh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]
Who said 'Lawks-a-lordy, my bottom's on fire'?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
KMKendal Mintcake
Lenin!
Yes, well I can accept that, though the exact answer was Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, five points. And what is the chemical equation for...
[Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!
[pause] Yes, well that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights lead by 25 points.
MSMs. Money-Sterling
Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!
[Scumbag are back in play]
So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Vyvyan.
[pause] What?
[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil [feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Snot.
SLord Snot
It's me, isn't it?
No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
SLord Snot
Oh, damn!
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
I'm completely bloody sick of this! [he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Ok, Bambi. Let's hear another.
So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Mike.
Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
[Mike buzzes in again]
Toxteth O'Grady.
Correct, five points.
[to Mike] You bum-bag!
The world's stupidest bottom burp?
[Neil buzzes in]
Rick, Britain!
Correct, five points.
It is not!
And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?
[Rick buzzes in]
It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!
[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]
DDoctor
Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.
EElephant
Very good.
DDoctor
Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...
[End credits roll as he is talking]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.