I'm not cooking Vyvyan. I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.
Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie.
No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you ok, so like sit down.
RickWhat do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?
That's not important Rick.
Rick
Well, I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom.
Well, I've got a couple of seats in my car.
Rick
All right we'll have to use them then.
No, they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?
Rick
No no no better idea, we'll go out there!
Ah ha! (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)
No, wait guys guys, what about my scary story?
Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!
Rick
Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil.
No, that's no good, my cassette's bust!
Rick
Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us.
No, good either i've only got two seats.
No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?
Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear)
Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.
Rick
Squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.
Well... (Rick interrupts him)
Rick
Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?
That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means?
VRVyvyan & Rick
Yeah, it means.. (Neil stops them)
No! Yeah! It means we've got a polterghoost!!
Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing.
Rick
Yeah don't be such a spasmo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.
Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?
Rick
Er...
Erm well, I did that actually, like this [pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on.] See! Corr, Mike's floating!! How's that done then?
Rick
Arrggghhh!! Get a priest! Get a Vicar! I believe in God!
Never mind a priest, call an ambulance!
I've just nailed my legs to the table!
I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..."
Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far.
Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.
I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?"
Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?
"Darling bank manager..."
Rick
Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy".
"Darling fascist bully boy..."
That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say?
Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.
Well, what about, "give me some more money"?
Don't you think that's a bit strong?
No, Neil, people like that respect strength.
Yeah, you're right. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil."
Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".
Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?
Rick
Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?
Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?
Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?
It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".
Rick
Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?
He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.
Right, ok, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."
Rick
Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.
The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]
[clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!
Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet.
Rick
What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs!
Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt.
Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly!
Rick
We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!
[Rick is warming himself by the broken fridge while Vyvyan is lying on a bed.]
Rick
I was wondering if you'd thought of a name for your baby yet?
Rick
Oh, that's charming, isn't it?
No, no, those are the two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be really handy in later life for getting into fights and things. Oh! Oh, it's kicking.
[His stomach moves rapidly up and down. Rick looks fascinated.]
Rick
Er, Vyvyan. Would it be alright... I mean... can I have a bit... a bit of a listen?
Yeah, help yourself. You can hear it kicking.
Rick
[Placing his ear on Vyvyan's bare stomach] I can't hear anything... all I can hear is... OW! [Vyvyan's stomach twitches violently, knocking Rick upwards.]
[Patting his stomach] That's my boy!
VVicar
What-ho, I'm the vicar.
Well you'd better be, otherwise you'd look right girlie in that dress.
VVicar
[pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?
[rubbing his eye] Yes. Rick has.
VVicar
Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]
Rick
Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?
VVicar
My God, you're right! [drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle] Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters. [takes a big gulp] Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....
Rick
[singing] Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie...
VVicar
[grabs Rick by the collar] Shaddup! [punches Rick, causing him to fall into the grave]
Rick
Help! I've just fallen into a grave!
Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [grabs the shovel from Neil]
No! No! We can't bury Rick alive!
That's absolutely correct, Neil. We better kill him first!
SSayle
People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!
[Cut to the boys who are behaving much more maturely backstage.]
(Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.
Rick
Well, he's got no talent.
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!
[Awkward pause]
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.
Rick
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!
Well, if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Quietly] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!
[Later]
He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!
Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!
Rick
Bags not Vyv!
[Confused] Bags not... Neil?
You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Rick
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
Rick
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
Rick
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Rick
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)
Rick
(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.
Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.
Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...
No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
