HHelen
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.
VMVyvyan, Mike & Neil
(Look at Rick) Eh?
RickNo, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?
HHelen
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.
Rick
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding...
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!
Rick
I'M NOT! I'm not a...
I don't know what it is, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles big flakes of crusty skin come off underneath my fingernails.
That's only his cornflakes, Michael. He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.
Rick
What a nerdy! [to audience] I just initial mine individually with sticky labels.
[to audience] That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.
[Vyvyan is trying to blow up Rick with his howitzer for not admitting to be a virgin.]
Rick
No, Vyvyan! Please! Look, you were right and I was wrong. I am a virgin.
Not for long, matey! [fires at Rick again]
Vyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision!
Rick
STOP SHOUTING NEIL!!
Rick
I AM NOT SHOUTING!!
Rick
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!
[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.
[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]
Rick
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.
Rick
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.
[Takes out paper and pencil]
You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.
Rick
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!
What this? [Holding a fish]
Rick
[writing] Dear Mr. Echo....
Rick
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants!
Rick
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)
Hang on a minute, I haven't finish my sentence. I meant to say: What's this fish doing in my bed?
It's not in your bed, Mike.
Mike': Oh yeah. Right, right, yeah. Thanks Vyv.
[takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!
Rick
You put that back! That's my personal property!
You just said all property is theft, Rick.
Rick
Well, yes, it is.
Rick
Stop! Thief! Thief!
[The introduction to The Good Life starts playing]
[Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!
That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.
Rick
Well you can stop now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well zip it up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!
Rick
Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!
NSNeil's Father
Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.
Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!
[Rick is lying in bed, looking nervous after he believed he killed Neil. His conscience starts speaking to him.]
CConscience
Rick... Rick... this is the voice of your conscience speaking.
Rick
Zip it! Zip it!
CConscience
Don't tell me to be shut, you spotty little bastard! I'm your conscience. You killed Neil, didn't you?
Rick
No! No! It wasn't me. It was, er, Vyvyan and Mike. They did it and I'm going to tell on them as well!
CConscience
They didn't bloody well do it! It was you!
Rick
Oh, God! Whose side are you on?!
CConscience
Not bloody yours, matey!
Rick
Get out of my head, pooh-hole!
CConscience
Ha! Ha! Ha! Try and make me, farty breath!
[From the other room.]
Rick, will you tell your conscience to shut it’s mouth?! I'm trying to get some sleep!
Rick
Don't think I don't know exactly who drew that thingy-ma-jig on the back on my curriculum vitae.
Well, they like to know what your hobbies are, Rick.
Rick
Well, all I can say Vyvyan, is that tiny things please tiny minds.
Yeah, and with a thing that tiny you're gonna be hard put to please anything!
(holding a cake) Surprise!
Rick
(crawling with his back aflame) More of a shock really, Neil! It's not every day someone deliberately sets fire to you during a cricket match!
(extinguishes the fire on Rick's back) Shut up, Rick, no one's on fire. Neil, it's not often you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep running in here carrying a cake and yelling "Surprise!"?
Well, because it's my birthday, Mike.
Now, you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
