Most-quoted character in The Young Ones: in 94 of its 138 quotesRick (62), Mike (47), Neil (46)
Scenes with Vyvyan 91
[The introduction to The Good Life starts playing]
Vyvyan [Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!
That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.
Well you can stop now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well zip it up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!
Vyvyan Rick, I just did!
Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!
NS Neil's Father
Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.
Vyvyan Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!
(Jumps in the air and motions Rick and Vyvyan to do the same. The two exchange looks before following suit.)
RV Rick & Vyvyan
(Jumping) Boing!
[Rick is lying in bed, looking nervous after he believed he killed Neil. His conscience starts speaking to him.]
C Conscience
Rick... Rick... this is the voice of your conscience speaking.
C Conscience
Don't tell me to be shut, you spotty little bastard! I'm your conscience. You killed Neil, didn't you?
No! No! It wasn't me. It was, er, Vyvyan and Mike. They did it and I'm going to tell on them as well!
C Conscience
They didn't bloody well do it! It was you!
Oh, God! Whose side are you on?!
C Conscience
Not bloody yours, matey!
Get out of my head, pooh-hole!
C Conscience
Ha! Ha! Ha! Try and make me, farty breath!
[From the other room.]
Vyvyan Rick, will you tell your conscience to shut it’s mouth?! I'm trying to get some sleep!
Vyvyan Do you think ants go to discos?
Vyvyan, it has been proved that ants are highly intelligent with a well ordered society. The last thing they go to would be discos.
Vyvyan Well, why's one of them wearing a silver boob tube then?
There's a very good reason for that.
Vyvyan What?
[Having just knocked out Neil with a cricket bat] What's a hippie worth then, a six?
Vyvyan Six? It would have been worth six if you'd killed him, Mike. Let's call it two.
Don't think I don't know exactly who drew that thingy-ma-jig on the back on my curriculum vitae.
Vyvyan Well, they like to know what your hobbies are, Rick.
Well, all I can say Vyvyan, is that tiny things please tiny minds.
Vyvyan Yeah, and with a thing that tiny you're gonna be hard put to please anything!
Vyvyan Rick, Zip it up, or I'll tell everybody in this room that you've got an iron-on cartoon worm on the front of your Y-fronts that says "Girl Bait".
Oh! So you've been going through my Y-fronts, have you, Vyvyan? I suppose you fancy me, is that it?
Vyvyan (looks genuinely panicked ) Yes! As a matter of fact, I do, Rick! I really, really fancy you, and I wanna give you a big girly kiss on the bottom!
Rick [creeped out] : Urgh! You hear that, Mike? Vyvyan's gone all funny! He says he wants to kiss my bottom!
Vyvyan Oh! Did I say "kiss you on the bottom?" Oh, beg my pardon, I meant to say "stick a pickaxe through your spinal column"!
[As the boys are about to rob a bank with pistols]
Now whatever you do, don't go losing your heads and using them!
Vyvyan Why not, Mike?!
Yeah, why not? Those bank clerks didn't have to become bank clerks! They knew the risks when they took the job. Now let's just get in there and let 'em have it!
Rick, we can't do that, because if we do, there's a very good chance they'll discover that these are water pistols.
[After a bank job. Everyone jumps into Vyvyan's car. But he drives it directly into a lamp-post.]
Vyvyan [hysterical] Oh, what have I done?! [sobs]
C'mon, Vyv, there's no time for that now.
Vyvyan My car! My beautiful, beautiful car!
Oh, no, it's the pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! [exits the car]
[to Rick] Yellow chicken!
[to Vyvyan, who's still crying] You've got to forget about your car, Vyvyan! Start life again without it. After all, you've still got S.P.G.
Vyvyan I don't think so, Michael. He was asleep on the radiator!
[S.P.G. is crushed on the grill of the car. Bagpipe music plays as he floats above the car wearing angel wings and a halo.]
See you later, you little whimp.
Vyvyan It's fantastic! The streets are completely filled with screaming children!
Vyvyan Well, not exactly, Neil... a bomb's gone off.
You mean you let a bomb off, Vyvyvan.
Vyvyan Look, what I had for breakfast is completely my own affair thank you, Michael.
Look, everyone, he's coming through the doors.
Vyvyan BRILLIANT! He didn't even open them!
We don't want you in the song anymore.
I simply said we don't want you in the song...
Vyvyan (From backstage) Because you're total and utter crap!
Don't do the song, right, I've got some really heavy news about Cliff that's gonna completely blow your mi... what's that smell?
RV Rick & Vyvyan
Neil, go away!
[Audience awws.]
Don't patronise me, you bastards! Oh, yeah, let's all sit in rows and ruin Neil's evening!
What's the message, Neil?
Oh, yeah, the message about Cliff, right, er... Cliff's blown out the gig.
What? You mean he's... farted?
No, no, Cliff can't come.
They put him in prison for farting?! Right on!
C Cliff
(singing) # Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. #
MV Mike, Vyvyan, Rick, Neil
(singing) # fies my soul! #
Vyvyan "Fies my soul"?
Yes, "fies my soul". It's raunchy, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan Hey, Cliff! I've just invented a great new sound.
[Strange clicking noises are heard.]
Untie Neil's legs, Vyvyvan.
C Cliff
Settle down, chaps.
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The Young Ones · 138 quotes
Vyvyan
