Dana Scully quotes from The X-Files

Scully

You okay, Mulder?

Mulder

(looking slightly embarrassed) Yeah, it's all right. My ass broke the fall.

Mulder

So, basically he died of a heart attack, somebody crept up behind him, sawed his head off and then glued it back on all in the space of 30 seconds. (begins laughing) Does that make sense to you?

Scully

No. Which makes it even stranger still because, as far as I can tell this body has been dead for over a month. I see signs of refrigeration.

Mulder

And yet he performed yesterday. What a trooper.

What's in it for me? I mean, let's say I help you out. What do I get in return?

Scully

(hopefully) The feeling of pride that comes from performing your civic duty?

Mulder

Don't you find it odd that the amazing Maleeni's a lousy poker player? I mean, this is a guy who's adept at manipulating cards.

Scully

Maybe he wasn't so adept. LaBonge certainly doesn't have a high opinion of his skills.

Mulder

There's another possibility. Behold - an ordinary household quarter. (holds up a quarter) I'm going to take the quarter from my right hand and place it into my left hand. (flourishes) Where is it?

Scully

It's in your right hand.

Mulder

(shows empty right hand) Oh, no, no, no.

Scully

(taps his right hand; nothing still. She smiles, impressed) Ah... That's not bad.

Mulder

(reaches out to grab her nose) Blow your nose, Scully.

Scully

(warning him) Mulder...

Mulder

(holding her nose between his fingers) Blow your nose.

Scully

(deadpan) Ah-choo.

Mulder

(quarter falls into his hand) Ta-da.

Scully

(amused) Amazing!

Mulder

(proudly) The great Muldeeni!

Scully

You know, Mulder, there's still one thing that you haven't explained.

Mulder

What's that?

Scully

How the Amazing Maleeni was able to turn his head completely around.

Mulder

I don't know that.

Scully

I do. I'll show you. Observe. (gets down on hands and knees on the floor; Mulder grins. Puts her hands on the floor, turns one hand a full 360 degrees; Mulder is impressed)

Mulder

Gee! Very nice. How'd you do that?

Scully

Well... magic. (keeps walking down the hall; he follows)

Mulder

No. Seriously, Scully, how'd you do it? You know, it's not the same thing. It's different with the head. Come on. Look at this. (does the disappearing thumb trick; she ignores him)

Scully

Snake handling. I didn't learn that in catechism class.

Mulder

That's funny. I knew a couple of Catholic schoolgirls who were expert at it.

Scully

Rattlesnakes and medieval visions of damnation. Well, I for one, feel a whole lot closer to God.

Mulder

I don't know, Scully. When you... when you get right down to it is snake handling any harder to buy into than communion wafers or transubstantiation...?

Scully

Or believing in flying saucers, for that matter.

Scully

Mulder, where'd you go?

Mulder

End of the road. (Goes to Harold) He's OK, it's OK.

My son! You...you saw my son?

Mulder

He's dead, they're all dead, Harold. Your son, Amber Lynn, my sister.

No!

Mulder

Harold, you see so much, but you refuse to see him. You refuse to let him go. But you have to let him go now Harold, he's protected, he's in a better place, they're all in a better place, we both have to let go, Harold.

You're wrong. I'm gonna find him...I don't believe you!

Scully

Mulder, what happened? Are you sure you're all right?

Mulder

I'm fine. I'm free.

Mulder

(speaking to Wetzel after he is attacked) I'm sorry, but you're going to have to be isolated and kept under guard.

With all due respect, what the *bleep* are you talking about?

Mulder

I'm talking about preventing this man from becoming a danger to himself and to others.

..Can I see your badge again?

Scully

(smiling sweetly) Agent Mulder? Can we have a word a second?

Mulder

Yeah. Excuse me..

Mulder

..Yeah, what is it?

Scully

"What is it"? Mulder, have you noticed that we're on television?

Mulder

I don't think it's live television, Scully. She just said *bleep*.

Scully

But it's a camera, and it's recording - [notices camera crew, walks further away with Mulder] It's recording everything you are saying, do you understand that? I just wanna make sure you're clear on that.

Mulder

Sure, I'm clear on that Scully.

Scully

My point being, Mulder, is that we're on a case.

Mulder

This presents an opportunity - I feel we're very close here. The possibility of capturing concrete proof of the paranormal; a werewolf, in front of a national audience, even an international audience - What's not to love?

Scully

Well - [notices camera and walks away with Mulder again] Look, Mulder, you want to talk about werewolves to me you can knock yourself out. I may not agree with you but at least I'm not going to hold it against you but this.. Mulder, this could ruin your career.

Mulder

(chuckling) What career? ..Scully, I appreciate it - You don't want me looking foolish. I do. I appreciate that.

Scully

I don't want me looking foolish, Mulder.

Mulder

I'd have to say that at, uh, this point in the investigation, I'm-I'm usually more secure in-in what it is we are actually investigating, but.. we've had so many conflicting eyewitness reports that it's-it's hard to ascertain exactly what it is we're looking for... But the crimes we are investigating are-are paranormal. Uh, I can say that - With absolute conviction. Um.. and-and the nature of these crimes - they're-they're notoriously difficult to quantify on any rigorous scientific level, as Agent Scully will tell you.

Scully

Ohh yeah.

Mulder

Yeah, which-which in its own way is-is a kind of a validation, if you think about it in and of itself. Uh, but, you know, that-that's our job - That's why they pay us the big bucks.

Well, we got murder victims stacked three-deep in the freezer. Plus you got this camera crew reporting everything. Why?

Scully

(to the camera, smiling pleasantly) Because the FBI has nothing to hide.

Mulder

[on the phone] Mulder.

Scully

Mulder, please tell me I can go home.

Mulder

Oh, hey, Scully. How's the stakeout?

Scully

Well, the furnace broke and I can just about see my breath in here.

Mulder

Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that.

Scully

That... and I've witnessed a couple hundred things I'd like to erase from my brain. Eww. But as of yet, no mystery woman.

Mulder

Well, she'll come, you know? It's just a matter of time. She'll show up - I'm sure of that.

Scully

Yeah, well not before I die of malnutrition.

Mulder

Hey, Scully, tough it out. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Right? [to Ellen, who is putting some dishes on his plate] No, no, no, no. No capers, thank you.

Scully

I'm sorry. What?

Mulder

I said, "What a... what a crazy caper." I'll talk to you later... and, uh, keep warm. Bye.

Mulder

[on the phone] Mulder.

Scully

Mulder, when you find me dead, my desiccated corpse propped up staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting into the gutter just know that my last thoughts were of you and how I'd like to kill you.

Scully

How...?

Mulder

[answering the question before she asks] 42.

Scully

You've seen this movie 42 times?

Mulder

Yes.

Scully

Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad.

Mulder

(on the phone with Skinner) Uh... So what are you up to right now, sir?

Skinner

I'm taking a bubble bath.

Mulder

Uh, hold on just one second, sir. (clicks over on the receiver to talk to Scully, grinning with delight) Hey, Scully, Skinman is calling me from a bubble bath.

Skinner

It's still me, Mulder.

Mulder

Uh, sir, well, hold on one second, sir. (He clicks the receiver again) Scully?

Scully

Yeah?

Mulder

Yeah, Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.

Scully

Wow, he's really gone Hollywood.

Mulder

Totally.

Scully

You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.

Mulder

Oh, yeah, right. Like Tea Leoni's ever going to have a crush on me.

Scully

I think that Shandling likes you a bit, too.

Mulder

Really?