Somebody said you were hanging out with some tribe, and they made you a king.
I'm the only white man to ever witness the sacrificial rites of the Bau tribe of Fiji. I was almost a victim myself, until they made me The Supporter of the World.
Using my Palm Pilot, I convinced the Bau I had the power to make the gods' writing appear at will, and more significantly, predict the next day's weather.
I'm the god of Good Harvest and the Land of the Dead.
I gotta go there and bring my laptop. It quacks when I have e-mail.
They would paint your face and...other body parts black so as to resemble a warrior ornamented for feast or combat. Then you would be garroted by a length of boar tripe.
BBartlet
Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can't.
You are an oratorical snob.
BBartlet
Yes, and God loves me for it.
You said he was sending you to hell.
BBartlet
For other stuff, not for this. You can't just trod out Ephesians, which he blew, by the way, it has nothing with husbands and wives, it's all of us. Saint Paul begins the passage: "Be subject to one another out of reverence to Christ." [passionately] "Be subject to one another." In this day and age of 24-hour cable crap, devoted to feeding the voyeuristic gluttony of the American public, hooked on a bad soap opera that's passing itself off as important, don't you think you might be able to find some relevance in verse 21? How do you end the cycle? Be subject to one another!
BBartlet
No, it's not about me! Well, yes, it is about me, but tomorrow it'll be about somebody else. We'll watch Larry King and see who. [shouts] All hacks, off the stage! Right now! That's a national security order.
Twenty-nine states have "shall issue" laws.
And if you look at the state of New Jersey, which has a "may issue" law-if you look at changing that one word...
Changing that one word means law enforcement can decide who gets a concealed weapon and when and where they can carry it. Texas has a "may issue" law in front of a legislature right now, and you going down there...
Me going down there is suicide, sir, and you know it.
It's counter-scheduling. You go in front of an unfriendly audience. You tell them something they don't want to hear-it shows you have courage.
So the editor of the New York Times will think I have courage, while the people who decide elections...
Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?
They're not my convictions, they're yours.
Forty percent of Americans have a gun in their home.
Only 16% believe gun ownership is an absolute right. Only 9% believe it's an absolute wrong. There's a middle. We can win them!
[testily] Not when we're running the MS defense, Mr. President!
Which we wouldn't have been doing if...
[Hoynes stands]
You outed me, John. With that trip to Nashua, with the oil companies. You wanted people to start asking questions.
I needed to start running because nobody told me I wasn't! And you announced it! And I found out on television!
[yelling] So did my wife.
[yelling] This whole thing was mismanaged, sir!
[They glare at each other for several long moments.]
It's not easy being my Vice President, is it?
I wouldn't think so. But it's the only way you're gonna get the nomination. You know that, right? If I win.
Yeah. And the only way you're gonna win is if I'm on the ticket. You know that, don't you, sir?
[Hoynes starts to leave.]
[nods] I want a seat at the table.
I was hiking, Oliver. I was hiking. Are you really that much an enemy of nature?
Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights...and its scents and its touch...and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.
What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?
You broke some laws, Abbey, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but this investigation isn't about that.
It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in the hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box.
I understand, but we don't have the luxury...
Abbey, stop eating fruits, stop eating vegetables, it's doing something bad to you. Fruits and vegetables will seduce you, like a woman, with their...
Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath, you're going to get asked questions, and you're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say 'Stop!'
You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the bar.
I've been kicked out of bars before.
Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax ya back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, leave it to beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please Don't Hurt Me'. No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax you back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
So let's stick to the spirit of the law.
The spirit of the law means no soft money.
No, I'm saying let's do an issue ad, an actual issue ad. Let's do a bunch. Health care, equal opportunity--
CConnie
School construction.
School construction. Does anyone think that raising awareness of crumbling schools won't help us?
There's actually a reasonable point here. New polls see Republicans as better on education with no basis for it.
And the ad could spark a debate on the issue, which would help.
And we take a parallel path on our free media.
CConnie
Across America, our schools are crumbling, holes in the walls, kids packed into trailers like sardines in a can. Half of America's schools are in disrepair.
And when schools fall down, so do test scores.
This isn't bad, I like this.
OOperator
Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
OOperator
How can I help you, sir?
Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
OOperator
Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
OOperator
I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
OOperator
And your address?
OOperator
Your street address, please?
[picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
OOperator
Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
I do radio commercials for... products.
OOperator
And how can I help you?
[sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
OOperator
It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
OOperator
Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
OOperator
Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
OOperator
One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
OOperator
Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
OOperator
Do you have an accurate thermometer?
Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in...
Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.
OOperator
Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.
Were we talking about something?
I don't know sir, when I came in here – back in the late 50s – there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness.
You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
