[to Bartlet] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-knot boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind.
S3The Indians in the Lobby
Did you get me a flight?
Yes.
Excellent! One that gets me there in time for dinner?
Yes.
And I don't have to change planes in Atlanta?
No, even better, you do have to change planes in Atlanta.
I told you–
You have to change planes in Atlanta! Deal with it!
With the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.
I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
Me, too.
They came to me. They said, "What do you think about having Thanksgiving at Camp David instead of New Hampshire?" They told me why, I said fine.
And what part are you leaving out now?
The part where I lied to you.
Yes!
Yes! I do that sometimes. Sometimes I don't wanna go fifteen rounds on Bess Truman and what constitutes a farm. On your behalf, I have responded to polling information telling me what I should wear, and what I should say, to say nothing of the fact that I have been subpoenaed to answer questions before Congress on how I secretly kept you alive. So explain to me now how what I did was out of line.
You know what? It was.
[pause] I know.
Well, with the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.
I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
Me, too.
[about Native American rights] How do you keep fighting these smaller injustices when they're all from the Mother of Injustices?
What's the alternative?
S3The Women of Qumar
Did the Celtics win last night?
No, they got crushed.
'Kay, when I say 'Did they win?' you can just say yes or no.
They got pretty well crushed.
You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,' but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Toby!
I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.
Yeah? How'd it go?
I showed her who's boss.
Who'd it turn out to be?
It's still unclear.
A national seat-belt law is never gonna happen.
Why?
What's the most important state in the primaries?
New Hampshire.
What's the most important state in the general?
Michigan.
What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law?
New Hampshire.
And where do they make the cars?
Fair enough.
How am I not supposed to call you a hypocrite when you say that the government shouldn't tell women what to do with their bodies?
Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit.
But the profit goes to the women.
In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."
They beat women, Nancy. They hate women. The only reason they keep Qumari women alive is to make more Qumari men.
So what do you want me to do about it?
How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them? And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure that guns don't get in the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy! What the hell are we defining as the right people?
This is the real world, and we can't isolate our enemies.
I know about the real world, and I'm not suggesting we isolate them.
You're suggesting we eliminate them.
I have a briefing.
You're suggesting that...
I'm not suggesting anything. I don't suggest foreign policy around here.
You are right now.
It's the twenty-first century, Nancy. The world's gotten smaller. I don't know how we can tolerate this kind of suffering anymore, particularly when all it does is continue the cycle of anti-American hatred. But that's not the point, either.
What's the point?
The point is that apartheid was an Easthampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the life these women lead. And if we had sold M1-A1s to South Africa fifteen years ago, you'd have set the building on fire. Thank God we never needed to refuel in Johannesburg!
[nods] It's a big world, C.J. And everybody has guns, and I'm doing the best I can.
[in tears] They're beating the women, Nancy!
S3Bartlet for America
[on phone] Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you're going to damn well do it.
Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.
In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.
God, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.
The President was at the debate site, walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds – also his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams. I love him so much.
I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. [pauses] I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? [pauses, sighs] My brain works differently.
...
I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid.
That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case...
[nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.