C.J., Will Sawyer and others in “War Crimes”

C.J.

Somebody said you were hanging out with some tribe, and they made you a king.

I'm a god.

C.J.

Oh.

Will

I'm the only white man to ever witness the sacrificial rites of the Bau tribe of Fiji. I was almost a victim myself, until they made me The Supporter of the World.

C.J.

How'd you swing that?

Will

Using my Palm Pilot, I convinced the Bau I had the power to make the gods' writing appear at will, and more significantly, predict the next day's weather.

C.J.

So you're a god?

Will

I'm the god of Good Harvest and the Land of the Dead.

C.J.

I gotta go there and bring my laptop. It quacks when I have e-mail.

Will

No, you're too tall.

C.J.

What would happen?

Will

They would paint your face and...other body parts black so as to resemble a warrior ornamented for feast or combat. Then you would be garroted by a length of boar tripe.