Since when are you an expert on language?
In polling models?
Okay.
1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
Since long before that.
S1Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics
What do we do with him?
Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.
What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?
Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.
I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.
Want to hear a joke?
Uh... Okay.
You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?
Why?
'Cause in France, one egg is 'un oeuf'.
CCochran
I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.
I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador.
Why not?
Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for.
Well, Sam's got you covered.
How?
You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.
To what?
Ambassador to Paraguay.
And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay?
You make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.
Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.
Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?
I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.
ACAmbassador Cochran
[after recognizing Charlie] I resigned my membership in that club, by the way.
Did you?
ACAmbassador Cochran
Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant.
I couldn't help but notice that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place.
ACAmbassador Cochran
Now, that's out of line. That's out of line and that shouldn't have been said. And you've forgotten that you're addressing an U.S. Ambassador.
I apologize, sir.
ACAmbassador Cochran
I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.
We agree on nothing, Max.
SLSenator Lobell
Yes, sir.
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
SLSenator Lobell
You know why?
Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
SLSenator Lobell
Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
Yes, you are.
SLSenator Lobell
We agree about that.
We also agree on campaign finance.
SLSenator Lobell
Yes, sir.
So, Max.
SLSenator Lobell
Yes, sir?
Let's work together on campaign finance.
SLSenator Lobell
You don't have the votes in the House.
I don't need them. 1978, the FEC voted a regulatory rule that opened the door to soft money. The FEC can close it again with 4 of the 6 votes. We don't need a law.
SLSenator Lobell
And how are you going to get the four votes?
Two seats opened up, I nominated Bacon and Calhoun.
SLSenator Lobell
That's two.
Barry Haskel was with us already. We took him out of the closet.
SLSenator Lobell
How are you going to get the 4th seat to open up?
Toby's going to take care of that right away. Max, can I count on your support to confirm my candidates?
SLSenator Lobell
And what do I get in exchange?
[beat] The thanks of a grateful President.
SLSenator Lobell
Good answer, sir.
[to Toby] Go.
S1What Kind of Day Has It Been
Here's another one. Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You're lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out." [audience laughs]
Mr. President, do you have time for one more question?
I don't think I answered the last one. Suzanne's got me telling jokes. Here's an answer to your question that I don't think you're going to like: the current crop of 18-25 year olds is the most politically apathetic generation in American history. In 1972, half of that age group voted. In the last election, 32%. Your generation is considerably less likely than any previous one to write or call public officials, attend rallies, or work on political campaigns. A man once said this, "decisions are made by those who show up." So are we failing you, or are you failing us? It's a little of both.
They're telling me that we're out of time. I just want to mention that at several points during the evening, I was referred to as both a liberal and a populist, and a fellow fourth from the back called me a socialist, which is nice, I haven't heard that for a while. Actually, I'm an economics professor. My great-grandfather's great-grandfather was Dr. Josiah Bartlett, who was the New Hampshire delegate representative to the second Continental Congress, the one that sat in session in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776 and announced to the world that we were no longer subjects of King George III, but rather a self-governing people. "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up. Class dismissed. Thank you, everyone. God bless you. And God bless America.
CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.
You're not going to spoil my good time for me.
Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.
Yeah.
You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
Do you see me walking out the door?
No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.
The eagle... on the seal in the carpet. In one talon he's holding arrows and in the other an olive branch. Most of the time, the eagle is facing the olive branch, but when congress declares war, the eagle faces the arrows... How do they do that? You think they've got a second carpet sitting around in the basement someplace?
[while jogging] There was a reckless deregulation of the S&L industry by a Democratic Congress, it was flooded with S&L donations. A disaster which nearly collapsed the banking industry and cost the taxpayers 500 billion dollars.
What's your point?
We're no better with the money than they are.
Tell me about it.
Three-quarters of all soft money coming to the Democratic party isn't coming from labor unions, it's coming from corporations.
Yes, I know.
Over a hundred businesses gave both parties in excess of $125,000 in the last election.
I know.
They gave it to both parties! This isn't free speech or political values, Mr. Vice President. I don't know how we've done it, but we've legalized bribery.
Yup.
So, now what we've got is two corporate parties - one pro-life, one pro-choice.
Josh, like I said, what's your point? I mean, what's your point?
We've noticed the sudden increase in racquetball and late-night poker games with democratic opponents of campaign finance reform.
Come on, Josh, this is Washington, DC. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Democratic opponent of campaign finance reform.
Can we stop running for a second? [They stop running] You're backing the wrong horse. You read the same polls I do. President's gone up nine points in three weeks. 51% job approval - big deal. But he's going on national television tonight, that's going to be another 5 that's 56%, a 14-point bump in a month.
Look, Josh...
Hang on. If we bring this pilot back home alive, that's another 10 points. And then we're off to the races with a job approval rating in the high 60s. Now every Democratic congressman in a tight race is looking to get his picture taken with the president, and you're looking around the racquetball court, saying, "Where did everybody go?" You've had some experience battling Jed Bartlet when he's right, and you've had some experience battling him when he's popular. Why in the world would you want to try it when he's both at the same time?
You know something, Josh, sometimes I wonder if I'd listened to you two years ago, would I be President right now? Do you ever wonder that?
No sir, I know it for sure.
Danny, I don't even want to hear it. I did exactly the right thing. Your nose is bent out of joint, and I don't give a damn.
You looked at me point-blank and told me you were looking at a diplomatic...
Danny...
You looked at me and told me...
What did you think I was going to do, Danny? Give you longitude and latitude? Did you think I was going to fork over the radio frequency that we're transmitting on?
You didn't have to answer the question.
I did!
You could have said, "Danny, we're not ruling anything in or out, and I'm not going to let you take me down that path" and we would have been done with it.
Danny, if by standing up and lying, I misdirected Iraqi intelligence for even half a beat, then it was absolutely worth it. That's a no-brainer. And if I didn't, it was certainly worth trying. There were only 50 people in the world who can't understand why I lied this morning, and they all work in the White House pressroom. I'm sleeping fine tonight.
You didn't have to call on me. Every hand shot up, everybody's hand shot up, everybody was going to ask the same question, you knew what your answer was going to be, and you called on me.
Well, yes, I did.
And you wouldn't have rather done that to a journalist that's been less supportive of this administration than I have?
No, I chose you.
C.J., I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.